Dumb Stuff I Wrote!

I Win!

2010-03-02T19:41:00.000-05:00

James Maxey was doing a book give away on his facebook. The rules were we had to submit a haiku based on his fiction. Fortunately the winner was based on a drawing and not the quality of the haiku.

And wouldn't you know it, I won.

You can read the haiku's here. You can wish James a happy birthday while you are there.

Moving Pictures

2009-05-15T15:01:00.000-04:00

I notice that one of my last post before taking this blogging sabbatical was a scathing review of The Last Mimzy.

I know it's much easier to write reviews for bad movies, so here are some good movies I have watched recently. Now keep in mind I don't go to the theater much at all any more, so these are most likely movies that have been out a while.

Penelope

How about starting off with a movie that will get people to call you gay for liking? Well stuff you! This movie was pretty good. It was so nice to see Christina Ricci in a movie where she wasn't playing a tramp, (ex: Black Snake Moan, and Buffalo 66). I say this because when I was 13 a movie came out called Adams Family Values. I don't know why, but I had a crush on Wednesday Adams. One of my first crushes I can remember. Her long black hair and foreboding attitude was something I liked. It was so disappointing to she her grow up to play such ho bags, there in defiling my childhood. Fortunately, she cleans up for her role in Penelope and is in a film I actually enjoy.

Ricci plays the title character, Penelope. Penelope's bloodline was cursed many generations ago by a witch. The next daughter born into the family would reap the detriment of said curse. Well it took a long while for someone in that family to finally sire a daughter, but when they did our Penelope happens to be the cursed child. Her curse? Basically Penelope has a pigs nose and pig ears. Other than that Penelope is modestly dressed, has long black hair, and despite her physical deformities still looks really pretty.

This movie unfortunately falls short by leaning on a Romantic comedy cliche. Guy says I'm this way, but he's not. Girl falls in love with Guy. Girl finds out guy is not who he says he is. Girl leaves guy. Guy shows girl he really loves her.

Despite this, it is still a fun movie to watch.

Star Trek

Yep, I went to the movie theater to see this one. And boy, was it worth it. I would have to see it again to give it thorough praise, but the casting, writing, and action sequences were awesome. I'm not a die hard Trekkie, but I know enough of the mythos to appreciate this movie.

My Name is Bruce

I know I said I wouldn't do any bad movies, but this is worth watching if you like Bruce Campbell. But only once.

7 is a Very Small Number

2009-04-05T14:48:00.003-04:00

Seven.

Seven post last year. Amazing.

I think I can do better than that this year. That is my hope anyway.

You will have to excuse me, I haven't done this in a while and every time I do it is usually a blog about how many months it has been since my last post, just so you understand why this post is so disjointed.

So no promises this time other than that I will try to post more often.

Even though I am making no promises I think I will give out some blame.

This chair isn't ergonomic enough for me. Stupid chair! I can't blog in a stupid chair.

Guitar Hero is awesome. Stupid awesome game. I can't blog and play Guitar Hero at the same time.

That's all I have for now. I'll just up date this currently reading section of my blog and call it a day. See you in three months. Stupid Blog.

A Return to Arms

2008-11-24T19:52:00.003-05:00

Hey there,

Remember me. Yeah, I'm the guy who used to write a blog called Dumb Stuff I Wrote. Now I sit on my ass and play video games. How cool it that? Instead of doing something productive I decided not do anything.

OK, I am being a little hard on myself. Don't get me wrong, there is still no excuse for not blogging. I did have time, but I just got out of the habit. It is a good habit to have. Especially for someone who would like to write for a living someday.

I couple of things could be a cause to my distraction. I got promoted at work, and my wife had a change in job, therein changing the landscape of my life, causing my lack of blogging.

But here's to starting a new/old habit.

Two things could be the reason for starting to write again.

1. I like to do it.

2.James Maxey, who's blog you can find on my links, mentioned this blog in his acknowledgments in the book Dragonforge.

Now the latter is the tipping point. I just needed a reason to start again.

Hopefully my absences will result in a wealth of things to blog about. As opposed to writing about the first thing that comes to mind.

Hoping that I post again this week,

-Jeff (J-Diggy aka Norton G)

P.S. Seeing his pseudonym in print made me realize how ridiculous it is. But, it made it impossible for me to think the mention in James Maxey's book was for anyone else.

The Last Mimzy

2008-02-14T20:13:00.003-05:00

Today I finished watching The Last Mimzy. I am glad it's the last one. Because if they made another, I would have to punch someone in the face.

Where the hell to begin? Well, after I finished watching it, I couldn't stop saying, "Wow, that sucked ass!"

Ahhh! ASS!

Ok, now that that is out of the way, I can tell you why.

First off, the acting. Now, I understand that anytime you have kid actors in a movie, you kind of have to get over that acting of the kids. But, something has to be said about the way they were directed. The main problem was the boy. He really was dead pan throughout most of the movie. Picture this, it's the end of the movie and all hell is breaking loose. His sister ask him to grab this generator thing. His response is, "Yeah, OK." Like the freaking world isn't about to end. Whatever with that crap.

Secondly, the story was ridiculously incoherent. The two kids are on a beach and they find this box full of stones and crap. Also in the box is a stuffed animal bunny named Mimzy. While the kids are playing around with the crap they found they soon realize that the objects inside are unusual to say the least. The rabbit they found starts talking to the little girl. And the stones they found are making the boy a genius at talking to spiders. He uses his ability to talk to insects and arachnids to make them build a bridge for a science fair project. Why he didn't try to take over the world, I will never know.

Anyway, that generator thing shuts down half of Washington states power, there by alerting the FBI. The FBI arrest the kids and their parents, and soon discover that the talking bunny has artificial life. Who gave this bunny artificial life? Well that would be the good folks down at Intel. Yep, Intel. The bunny had "Intel inside". I will wait while you let that sink in...

I hope you have now gotten the phrase "sucks ass" out of you system now, cause it gets better.

Well, with the Intel discovery the FBI is now totally confused. Turns out some one from the future sent all this crap to the past. Not really a surprise, they kind of tell you that from the get;

Well, all of the sudden the kids can now talk to each other with their minds. So they easily escape. The little boy of no more than nine years of age high jacks a truck, in the FBI parking lot I might add, that just so happened to still have the keys in it. Or... maybe the bunny taught the kid how to hot wire. They never really lay that out for you. Not just any truck, a big ass bread truck that could have only been a manual. Now how many of us hopped in a standard transmission car for the first time and just drove off. Not me.

Two words, Su-hucks Ass*.

So the kids escape so they can send Mimzy back to where she came from. Which begs the question. Why the hell did the furture send her here in the first place? HUN? Well, through a series of events way too complicated to write and way too boring to read, they send Mimzy back.

Well, at the end of the movie there is a little sequence from the future where the bunny returns. And because the bunny returns the future is restored. Restored from what? They never really say. But from what I gather, everyone in the future is a jerk. So this guy sends the bunny back to see if any one in the past will send it back to the future. Which if some one sends it back to the future it means that not everyone sucks. And since everyone doesn't suck, all the people that do suck, won't suck anymore. Perfect since!

AHHHHHH!!! Brian hurt.

My buddy Von Urrich gives movie a letter grade. Well, I am kicking this movie out of school. You don't even get a F. To give this movie a F, would be an insult to all the F's I got in school.

So, yeah definitely rent this one if you like Stay, Donnie Darko, or The Matrix.

*Su-hucks is a trademark of Dumb Stuff I Wrote. It may not be republish with out the expressed written consent of Dumb Stuff I Wrote.

Pinky Toe the Size of My Face

2008-02-01T10:21:00.001-05:00

Ok, maybe not the size of my face. But last night when I took my dog out so she could do her business, I stubbed my pinky toe on a basket filled with DVD's.

It hurt so bad I was nearly in tears. Keep in mind that this was at 1 o'clock in the morning. So my dog was going crazy jumping all over the bed and running around. My cat wasn't helping by sleeping on my sore food. I thought I broke it last night. It seems to be doing much better now. I still walk with a limp. I wish I was a pirate.

You know... because I wouldn't look like a dork with a limp. I'd look like a pirate... Nevermind, dumb idea.

100

2008-01-25T21:58:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't a post about my plans to create a low budget version of 300 with nothing but sock puppets. Maybe later.

This the the 100th post. DAMN SKIPPY!

Me and my buddy Von Urrich have been having a little blogging war. It is no secret that when it comes to updating my blog, I tend to take my time. Well, since Von, as I like to call him because it is shorter to type, started posting with almost daily frequency, I have also been blogging. Now I think he has me beat in new post this year. But Von, 100! Eat that!

I know that at the pace you are on, you may pass me soon enough. We shall see.

Enough about him, this is my anniversary and I want to look back at all the awesome stuff I have done with this blog. Looking back on my blog, I sure have written a lot of dumb stuff. I have also written some crap I really like.

My Future Scalzi Review is still one of my favorites.

Also see My Letter to my Mini-Van, Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Could Blog like Me, and Worst Best Man Toast.

I know it might be just me, but I wrote some stuff I still think is funny. It is true that I find myself very entertaining.

Moving forward... I have no idea what I will find to write about. 100 post is cool for me. I know some people who have been updating their blog almost daily for years. I know they spit at my 100 post. But those people use the word musing.

Before I leave you, just one more Cyborg name.

Get Your Cyborg Name

Playing Keep Up

2008-01-25T08:21:00.000-05:00

Here is my Cyborg name, just following Von Urrich.

Get Your Cyborg Name

and here is my sisters...

Get Your Cyborg Name

very accurate!

My Sister: The Fantasy Pimp

2008-01-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

Let's say that you invite someone over to your house. You would hope that person would respect your home. I am guessing that you would appreciate it if said person asked before getting food from your fridge, or watching your TV, or using up the last of your toilet paper. How would you feel if that person just raided your pantry and ate all your double chocolate Pop Tarts. What if that person fired up your XBOX and finish all your games and then saved it, so your couldn't go back and beat it yourself. What if they laughed at you about it, "Haha, I don't ever like video games." Bullshonkey!

That's how I feel. I try to be nice. I invite my sister to play some fantasy sports with guys. So, she goes and wins all but one of our leagues. Earth to my sister, you don't like football, please stop being so damn awesome. "I don't even like football, you all suck." Well thanks for reminding us. I should strap you down and make you listen to the audio version of Skin by Ted Dekker as read by Gilbert Gottfried.

Maybe that's a little harsh. Maybe just read by Fran Drescher.

Best of 2007

2008-01-01T20:18:00.000-05:00

Start the year off right, with a post.

Last year I did a list of the best books, music, and movies. I am going to do things a little bit different this year. I am going to do best of 07, "Dumb Stuff" style! What I mean by that is, there will be weird categories, like Best Prank Call. Also, if I do a best of 2007 movie or book, it doesn't unnecessarily mean that said movie or book came out in 07, it just took me to 07 to get to it. Let's begin.

Best Movie

Without question, Pan's Labyrinth. Dark, violent, and satisfying. Not because it was dark or violent, but because it was a perfectly told story. It was dark where it needed to be. It was violent where it needed to be. It was brilliantly acted. It stayed with me long after I finish watching it. Great movie.

Best CD

The Reminder by Feist. Not to toot my own horn... well actually, to toot my own horn, I was listening to Feist long before she did that iPod commercial. Granted her last album was no where near as good as this one. There are a few songs that suck, like Sea Lion, but for the most part the album is wonderful.

Worst Book Concepts

Manliness books. Books written by dudes that think it is manly to act like a moron. I forgot the title of the book, but it was something to the effect of The Handbook to Manliness. It features illustrated instructions on how to properly punch another man in the balls, head butt a woman in the breast, and how to grope a random woman at a concert. Classy stuff. If I saw a dude randomly groping unsuspecting women, I would use the punch in the balls techniques on dude.

Best Video Game

NHL 08. The best sports game in years! Flawless in gameplay, great graphics, and tons of play modes. The only not perfect thing about this game is the presentation. But as long as the game plays great, I not be carin'.

Best Prank Call

Normally when I prank call a friend, I assume that they will know it is me right away. So, I usually go for funny over actually trying to trick them into thinking it is real.

Enter Jason, a new friend from work.

We both work together and we both have voice mail at work. A recipe of awesome.

I was at the house one evening when I had this great idea for a prank call. I called him, again, totally assuming that I would be busted as soon as I started speaking, and left a voice mail for him. I did a Kip from Napoleon Dynamite voice for this one.

It went a little something like this.

Yes Jason, this is Felix. I called you last week about setting up an account with you. We had a good talk. I told you that I liked figure skating and you said you liked it too. I told you my favorite skater was Michelle Kwan, and you said your was Danny Bonaduce. I thought this was cool and you sold me some stuff.

Well come to find out, after doing some research on your favorite skater, I found out the Danny Bonaduce was an actor on the Partridge Family. So you lied to me!

Now usually when I make a prank call, if my cover isn't blow right from the get, it gets blown when I mention Danny Bonaduce. Anyway, he didn't know it was be until the very end. After a good laugh we did that only thing left to do. Play it for out supervisors and pretend it was real. They both bought it. It was great.

Last on Board Award...

...goes to me finally reading Harry Potter. Well not reading technically. I did check out the audio books from the library and listen to them on a few trips we took this year. Yes they are great, but I am not hooked like other people. I have gone through the first six books. I am waiting for the library to get the last book back in. If I were truly hooked I would have read my wifes copy of the last book by now.

Best Dump

June 16 at 6:15pm. Amazing!

Worst Months for Blogging

September and December: Zero Post.

Best Book

I said it last year, I don't really read books in the year they come out. That being said, I don't know what the best book I read was this year. So, here are some highlights.

Knight Life by Peter David
War of Gifts by Orson Scott Card
Tears of Artamon Trilogy by Sarah Ash
Last Colony by John Scalzi

Ok, that's it. I going to bed. Happy New Year.

Fantasy Update

2007-11-30T17:39:00.000-05:00

I have 2 fantasy hockey teams, 2 basketball teams, 2 football teams, and 3 Pick em' style teams.

You may ask, "How do you handle all that fantasy?"

Easy, I just do them at work. Well, that is until my management team decided we should be working at work and not surfing the internet. Whatever!

The problem isn't so much with Football teams, but the basketball and hockey I need to log on everyday and make sure I have my rosters set. That's easy when you have all the time in the world at work. But now I have to do it from home. It's not all that much worse, but it's easier to make sure that you fantasy team is running at it's fullest capabilities when you have time to do he research.

Oh well.

Last year I won my Fantasy football league. This year, I am overall first in my league going into the playoffs, which only means that I have a bye week in the first round. So I have to win two more games in a row, and I will repeat as champion. Good luck to me. Here's looking at you, ROMO!

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T19:51:00.000-05:00

Hey look over here, I'm posting.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

My Thanksgiving featured turkey, homemade bread, sweet potato casserole, jell-o and strawberry soup, Stove Top stuffing, mashed potatoes, wine, water, green beans, dog bites, blood, Wii Bowling, and YouTube favorites.

Turkey was good, but I had to carve it. So, it ended up in a bunch of little pieces.

Homemade bread was also good. But I attempted to cut a slice for my sister. See comments about me carving turkey.

Sweet potato casserole was great. I was a little concerned about it considering that my sister made it and not my mom, but it turned out great.

Jell-o and Stawberry soup should have been a jell-o mold, but when I tried to take it out of the jell-o mold, well... once again see comments about me carving turkey. That's right little pieces.

You can't screw up Stove Top, it comes in little pieces!

Didn't eat the mashed potatoes.

Wine was so/so.

Water... don't really know what to add to that.

Green beans = Good

My sisters dog bit my brother.

Blood from the dog bite.

Wii Sports Bowling is still awesome.

And finally, me and my brother showed each other some of our favorite videos from YouTube.

That sums it up.

I would like to now say something off the topic of Thanksgiving. It has been a significant amount of time since I last posted. Me not blogging tends to be a bit of problem and I am tired of coming up with ways to insult myself about it. I don't know if I can keep this promise or not, but I will do my best to not mention my lack of blogging. I will just pretend that it is business as usual. Not that you care, being some one who doesn't actually exist. Unless your my wife, sister, or Von Urrich. You guys exist. J-Diggy Out!

End of Eternity

2007-10-29T11:45:00.000-04:00

YES!!!

Baseball season is over! HELL YEAH! That crap takes for ever. All those crappy baseball highlights coming on when I am trying to get my nightly sports update. I am so glad.

Not only that, but NBA season starts tomorrow. I won't be getting the NBA league pass, just because I don't have enough time to watch it and the NHL Center Ice. My Sonics are going to suck. Then, once they are done sucking they are going to move to Oklahoma. Jerks!

Now is the best time to be a sports fan. My three favorite sports are going on all at the same time.

With that, I am in way too many fantasy leagues. Basketball, Hockey, Football, and er.. um.. nascar. I was just experimenting! Geez. Well if it makes you feel better I suck at Fantasy Nascar. I also guilt tripped my sister and my friend Mark in to playing Fantasy Nascar with me. I know when I look at my fantasy profile, and I see that Nascar on there, it makes me slightly embarrassed. Unfortunately it is on there for good now. Oh well, live and learn.

I HATE BASEBALL! I'm glad its over for now. WOOT!

Any Old Thing

2007-10-27T09:50:00.000-04:00

Just to prove to you Dumb Stuff addicts that I am really back. I thought I would just write about the first thing that comes to my mind. We all know how dangerous that can be.

Watching the NHL!

I know it's like me and three other people watching, but it's still really fun. I also shelled out the money to get the NHL Center Ice package that gives me all the games. Let's face it, VS. airs about two games a week, and NBC airs about two games all season. So the only way I can get some games is to pay for it. Last season NBC cut away from a playoff game that was going to overtime, just to go to horse racing pregame. That's bullshonkey!

Bullshonkey!

Bullshonkey is my new curse word. Feel free to use it as much as you want. I want to see it in the dictionary. I also want to see kids get detention for using it. How awesome would it be to be the guy who coined a new curse word.

Not Going to the Theater

I haven't really gone to the movies in a while. The last movie I saw in a theater was Transformers, and that was in the dollar theater.

I have been watching movies on DVD.

Blades of Glory Sucked!

Pan's Labyrinth was awesome, but may be an acquired taste. Very violent and weird.

Office Season 3 is, as always, great.

Well, that's it for me... so go away. It may be another month before I post.

For being a random post, I think you got off easy.

Where the hell were you?

2007-10-15T19:46:00.000-04:00

Dumb Stuff I Wrote: So, what is your malfuntion?

Norton G: What do you mean?

DSIW: You have not posted in more than a month. Where the hell were you?

NG: I was... doing stuff. I went on vacation, went to the book sale, and ate salmon. What were you up to?

DSIW: Well, let me think ass face. I sat on my butt and watched the same damn Flight of the Concords videos over and over. It was really... amazing. Thank you for abandoning me for a month with nothing but your poor taste in television programs to entertain myself with. THANKS!

NG: No Problem.

DSIW: That was sarcasm, you festering ball of dog snot.

NG: Hey, that reminds me Dumb Stuff, we got at cat!

DSIW: Oh... Sweet! When did you get him?

NG: About a month ago.

DSIW: $#*! A month ago. What the hell? You didn't even post a picture. That's what I am here for. TO POST CRAP LIKE THAT!

NG: Sorry. I have some pics I can upload.

DSIW: A bit late now crack head.

NG: How can I make this up to you?

DSIW: Well, posting would be a start. Update that currently reading thing. Finish it up with not being an idiot.

NG: I can to 2 out of 3.

DSIW: I guess you make being a moron... charming. Just post a picture of that cat and we will call it even.

NG: How about my new cat, Oliver, riding my older cat, Isaac?

DSIW: Perfect.

It's Not Like There is Nothing to Talk About!

2007-08-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

I am just too lazy to say anything.

First off, we have a new cat, on accident. It was 10pm and my neighbor comes over and rings the door bell. He is standing there with the tiniest kitten I have seen.

"Did you lose something?"

"No, that's not my cat, but let me show my wife."

"OK, here is the cat, bye!"

So there you go. We have a new cat.

Fantasy football is back, and my draft is on Thursday, which is awesome. Gator football starts Saturday, and the pros kick-off in about a week. Life is good. Now if the endless baseball season would finish up everything would be dandy.

Yet Another Flight of The Conchords Post

2007-08-18T13:29:00.001-04:00

MORE FOTC FOOL!

YEAH SON!

Challenge

2007-08-07T19:41:00.000-04:00

Since I haven't blogged yet in the month of August, I thought I would try to see if I can make it through the entire month with out a post.

...hmmm

...uhhh...Oops!

So much for that!

Birthday Post

2007-07-20T22:10:00.000-04:00

Being that today is my birthday and I haven't posted in a while, I thought it would be a good time to post something.

So... here is more FOTC. I'm too lazy to think of stuff to say.

My New Favorite Show

2007-07-05T21:52:00.000-04:00

Now that I am done watching The Office on DVD till season three comes out, I thought it was time to find something else to watch. I just happened upon my new favorite show.

A TV show that gave us lines like "She so hot, She's making me sexist." Flight of the Concords on HBO. A show about a band. Here are some clips. Please ignore how the videos don't fit on my blog. Also, don't wait around for them to load, just hit play.

PUPdate

2007-07-04T14:04:00.001-04:00

Well, we have had the old girl for a few days now. It has been a few days since she has pooped in her crate. It has been a few days since I have had a good nights rest.

She still barks through most of the night, but yesterday she went to the vet. We got some tranquilizers. Not is blow dart form. Bet I could have some fun with those when I teach kids church. They seem to zonk her for half of the night. She pees almost every time she is in her crate. I am starting to realize just how little work cats are. You just potty train then, tell them not to scratch every thing in the house and you are done.

If I tell people what the dog is putting me through they say, "She's just preparing you for parenthood."

Kids, let me tell you this now. I know your parents probably tell you this every time you ask for a puppy, but let me reassure you. Puppies are a lot of work and responsibility. We walk our dog nearly every hour. We get up at three in the morning to walk her so she won't poop in her crate. Tons of responsibility.

Part of the reason she went to the vet yesterday was because her sutures were coming undone and the cut on her belly where they did the neutering was gaping. Even worse, it was infected and they had to cut a lot of the flesh around the wound out and restitch it back up. So now she is groggy again. On top of that there is something wrong with her eye. We have to keep putting goop in it. She loves that.

I love this puppy, and I love sleep. I look forward to the day when I can enjoy both equally.

Hummna Hummna Hummna PUPPY!

2007-07-01T09:07:00.000-04:00

This fine specimen is a female, part Labrador, part Leopard Hound. She is eight weeks old, and she is pissing off our cats, cause we just brought her home to live with us.

It's a good thing she is so cute, because she kept us up half the night last night. She also pissed on the carpet twice this morning. Her name is Georgiana, or Georgie, or Gigi.

Welcome home Georgie, now we got some work to do.

Evan Almighty

2007-06-27T18:21:00.000-04:00

Evan Almighty is the best movie I have seen all year. It's funny and serious. It balances both perfectly.

I can easily say the Evan Almighty is better than Bruce Almighty. The story is better, the acting is better, and the emotion of the film is better. The only thing bad that can be said about it is it's not as funny as Bruce Almighty.

The biggest difference in the movie is, of course, the main character. Jim Carey is an over actor, a funny over actor. Steve Carell is a great actor. Funny, but subtly so. His comedy doesn't demand all of your attention. Thats why the movie isn't as funny as the first.

It is his great acting that takes a ridiculous situation and makes you care about what is going on. So, Evan is Moses. That concept is a hard one to work with, other than making it slap stick comedy. By the end of the movie, I was fully engrossed. I cared about what Evan had sacrificed to build the ark. I needed him to be right so the people who mocked him building the boat would be proven wrong.

I overheard a lady leaving the theater say that it was way better than the first one. "I was tearing up." The end of the movie is awesome. Great special effects help bring the movie to an awesome climax that is the icing for this sweet pastry of a movie.

Their is so much more so say, but dang, just go see it.

My Sister and Her Fascination with a Non-Existent Athlete

2007-06-25T22:04:00.000-04:00

Who does your little sister have a crush on? Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Hedo Turkoglu?

Not my sister.

First off, I love sports video games. My favorite of which is NCAA Football. I remember one year I had a copy of NCAA Football that my sister got into. So much so, she would disappear in her room for a few hours. I would have to beg her to give me my game back.

My sister didn't play as the Gators, or the Buck Eyes, or even Hofstra. No, her team of choice was the Judah U. Buddhists.

Fred Savage: "Who the hell are the Judah U. Buddhists?"

Well Fred, they are the created university, named after a fake record label my sister made up. That's right fake record label! They had black and burgundy jerseys, and some weird shield thing for a logo.

She play with this team over and over. She play the same season multiple times. Never mind the fact that in this video game, as you played your players graduated and you recruited new players.

I think you could play up to 30 seasons. But my sister would only play the first three. Why? The reason for this is that she had a little thing for the fake, non-existent QB named D.D. Nix. Thats right! A QB that was named randomly by the computer. All I can do is shrug and shake my head. I don't really have much else to add to that. Thats my sister.

You see, after three seasons, D.D. Nix graduated. So she would just start the whole thing over again so she could play as Nix more.

To this day, if I bring up Mr. Nix, she will say stuff like, "I love D.D." or "I miss D.D. Nix."

She even tried recreating him on Madden NFL. "It's just not the same", she says.

That's my sister and I am not ashamed.

A Quick Word About Growing Older Terminology

2007-06-25T21:53:00.000-04:00

What would happen if you, being a male, asked your male friend if he wanted to have a "sleep over?" My guess, assuming that you both are straight, you would be punched in the mouth.

"Hey dude, I just got Halo 14, you should come over and hang out!"

"Awesome! We could have a sleep over."

"Nevermind, I think I have to go... cheese shopping."

Oh, that didn't go so well. Let's try that again, with some different terminology.

"Hey dude, I just got Halo 14, you should come over and hang out!"

"Awesome! Hey would it be cool if I crashed at your place."

"Hell yeah man, we'll be pwning newbs all night long."

Ah, much better.

On a side note, how long do you think it will be before pwned is in the dictionary?

Swan, Tip, and Slash!

2007-06-19T21:22:00.000-04:00

It started off like any other trip to the grocery store. We went up and down the isles picking out our items while looking around for free samples. Once the cart had enough weight in the basket, I started to ride the cart. I was weaving in and out of the isles. Gracefully knocking over the well organized displays. The casualties were at an all time low. My wife was complementing the easy with which I glided around the store.

We left the store, cart full of food. As we left, I approached the downhill ramp that lead out of the store. I looked left and looked right, then I rode down the ramp. One of my little brothers friends just happened to be around. He was so jealous of my skills.

We unloaded the cart. I was feeling pretty high. So I took one last ride on the cart. I was in the middle of my patented Swan Float (thats when you have just hands on the cart, no feet), when I realized that there wasn't anymore weight in the cart. The front of the cart jumped up, I fell to the ground, and the cart crashed with a loud clatter.

My pride wounded, I got up and dusted my self off. "Get in the car honey, lets get out of here."

Nearly the entire ride home, my wife laughed at me busting my ass. My elbow and my knee are both lightly skinned, but the big thing was there was an old lady and her granddaughter looking right at me when I fell.

You'd think a fall like this might discourage me. You'd be wrong.

I am reminded of Lance Armstrong and his little yellow bracelets. Now I am inspired. I have got to get back on that horse/racing bike/shopping cart. If Lance can come back, than I can get up from this mess and make something of myself.

I will make a come back! You'll see!

Summer Movies and Fantasy Football

2007-06-12T21:38:00.000-04:00

Here we go!

Friday is the official start of the Summer blockbusters. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer!

This should be a great summer for movies. We already had Spiderman 3, which I liked. I know some people thought it sucked. Buy those people liked The English Patient. Sooo, their opinion doesn't effect me that much.

Lets run em' down,

Transformers
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Telli-Tubbies take Manhattan
Uhh... um, I thought there was more.

It might just be that I am writing this kind of late at night and my brain doesn't work.

How about some under the radar movies I want to see?

Eagle Vs Shark looks awesome, and so does Hot Rod.

Fantasy Football

Only a complete dork would have his fantasy football league started up in June!

Yes, I have started my next fantasy football group.

We are expanding, hopefully, from 6 to 10 teams this year. With a little bit of encouragement the smack talk will begin early and continue through the football season. I will be the returning champion. With that comes a lot of pressue. All of the Spoon User fans, or "Spoonies", will want to see a repeat performance. Plus Carson Palmer has been on my case about reworking his contract. Shoot, you only played half the year for me. I don't know that I will be bringing him back. As a GM, you need to take a stand once and a while. I can't let my players walk all over me.

Letter to my Mini-Van

2007-06-09T17:44:00.000-04:00

Dear Mini-Van,

We have known each other a while now. We have been through a lot. You remember that time I ran over a curb and blew out that tire? That was awesome! Oh, the laughs we shared over that. I know you aren't the best looking van on the block. But, that never bothered me. I always ignored the glares from people wondering why some dude with wild hair is driving a beat up Mini-Van. I was just glad you got me from A to B. I'm proud of you.

Well, today you only got me to A and a half. Not that I am complaining, I know I haven't changed the oil in like 8 months. Needless to say I am thinking of moving on. Now you can retire in a Mini-Van retirement home. You can hit on all the Mini-Coopers that are way our of you league. Maybe your next owner will change the oil. I bet you'd like that.

Let's face it, your brakes are going, your timing chain is about to go, and you ain't got no A/C. We knew this was coming. I imagine I may drive you a few more times, but hey you had a good run. Now your going to be scrapped and parted out. Think of it this way, your sort of like an organ donor! How honorable of you.

Oh well take it easy,
--Norton G.

Happy Belated Birthday Dumb Stuff I Wrote!

2007-05-21T17:43:00.000-04:00

I was so busy not updating my blog that I plum forgot it was your birthday on May 11th. You have grown so much in your first year of existence. Soon you will be able to write your own post. Then, maybe, you will actually be updated at a regular pace.

Some of our old friends have stopped by to say happy birthday.

Luke Wilson: Hey Dumb Stuff,
Wow what crazy year. After that show down with Dick Clark at Taco Bell, who'd da thunk we would make it here. Happy Birthday!

Dick Clark: I'll beat your ass Wilson, yours and "Dumb Stuff I Wrote's"

Fred Savage: What the hell is Dumb Stuff I Wrote?

Well, that's all we have time for. Hope you had a good belated birthday.

A Review of a Spiderman 3 Review

2007-05-19T09:18:00.000-04:00

I saw Spiderman 3 on the Friday that it came out. I had already planed a bunch of crap to say about it. Well, time went by and I forgot all the stuff I wanted to say, so hence, no blog.

Yesterday I was on Orson Scott Card's web page, when I noticed he had posted his very short review of Spidey 3.

Anyone who has read my blog, all both of you, or knows me personally, all both of you, knows that OSC is my favorite author. By reading his reviews he has guided me toward great movies that I would have never seen otherwise. Most notably Spanglish and Finding Neverland. When it comes to book reviews he has suggested very dumpy reads. Most notably Mirror, Mirror by Gregory Maguire.

Any who, sometimes I agree with his views and other times I don't. And thats normal. I have never meet anyone who I agree with completely. Take my buddy Shane. He has great taste in music, but for some reason he really likes the Counting Crows. Eeeewwww!

In Card's review of Spidey 3, he says a couple of things that just annoyed me.

First of which, "[Spiderman 3 has] big special effects sequences designed to sell the videogames." Uhh, what? I thought big special effects sequences were designed to make you oohh, and ahhh. That's what these sequences do. At no point in watching the movie did I feel like I needed to buy the game. It may be because I am a gamer, and I know not to but video games based on movies. Here is a "Fedge" official rule for gaming and movie going. "Don't watch movies based on games, and don't play games based on movies." Follow this simple rule and you will save yourself time, movie, and most likely headaches.

Secondly, "Raimi cast terrific actors in all the leads, and they do a great job." Uhh, no complaints here. Right on. Then he follows it up with this, "I especially salute Topher Grace's entry into the villain category -- if he were in any more scenes he'd steal the movie." Pshh. Whatever? I though James Franco portrayed his character with more depth and believability than any other actor in the film. All Topher had to do was play a whiny little baby. Harry Osborn went through a lot more emotional changes in this film, and Franco played each part with great precision. Card does say in his review that Franco is at his best, which I obviously agree with, but Topher came no where close to stealing the show.

Then he says, "But time after time, the silliness undercut the serious storyline." I can see how you would feel this way, but I thought that it was all really well balanced. Then he said this movie was in the same class as Titanic and Back to the Future. He says that by having so much comedy that it will make Spiderman 3 become less watchable over time, like Titanic and Back to the Future. Which may be true about Spidey 3, but Back to the Future! Back to the Future is infinitely watchable. BTTF is an awesome classic film! GRRR! DON'T put Back to the Future in the same boat as Titanic. (pun intended)

Here is my review of Spiderman 3. It is a great final chapter to the Spiderman films. It is a story centered completely around Peter, Mary Jane, and Harry. The villains are disposable. And as a film about the core three characters, it is wonderful.

My Sister and Movies

2007-05-03T18:16:00.000-04:00

I don't think I could sum my sister up in one blog. But, being that she is one of my three faithful readers, and the fact she has been bugging me to write a blog about her, I will give it a go.

My sister has the most incredible ability. She can pick a film that she wants to see, and no matter how terrible it looks, she can convince me to go watch it with her. Often times I pay for the tickets myself.

The first movie that comes to mind would be Birth staring Nicole Kidman and no one else of note. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. There are bad movies that are so bad that they become good. Then there are movies like Birth that are so bad, and take themselves so seriously, that they turn out worse.

Nicole Kidman plays a widow who is about to remarry. Then along comes this kid who claims to be her husband, only in the shape of a very annoying boy. She doesn't believe him at first, but over the course of several boring and painful hours she starts to become convinced that this is indeed her late husband.

Well, come to find out this kid was just joshin'. He found a bunch of love letters and other crap in a box that was written by her husband. So he took it upon himself to try to get in a tub with Nicole Kidman. A feat that he is able to pull off in a scene that will haunt me for the rest of my movie going lifetime. The final scene is Nicole Kidman getting in a big ol' fist fight with the ocean. At this point me and my sister could not contain our laughter. We were the only ones laughing in the room, and that made it all the more enjoyable.

So despite the fact that she can pick out the worst movies in the world and make me go see them, she is one of the best people in the world to go see a bad movie with.

That is of course if she can remember which theater the movie is at. On more that one occasion she would lead us to the wrong theater on the other end of town. It happened enough that we just started to leave early, so that we would have enough time to make it to the other theater if we went to the wrong one first.

To her credit, she did make us go see Napoleon Dynamite before it got all huge. Also, I did take her to go see Thr3e the movie. That was a laugh a minute. We also plan on going to see House, which promises to be worse than Birth. Because of that fact, we can't wait to watch it.

No, this blog doesn't do my sister justice. But it is a start.

Skin:Warning Spoilers! Like you care!

2007-04-24T20:36:00.000-04:00

Moments ago, I did the unthinkable. I finished reading the novel Skin by Ted Dekker.

My current state of emotion:I never want to read another Dekker novel.

Should I tell you about it? Sure. I think I owe it to anyone who would actually think about reading this novel. I must warn them about what is found within its pages.

Skin starts off with a woman in her twenties named Wendy, being run off the road by an unmanned pick-up truck. She meets two people, one of whom was bitten by a snake, who also have been ran of the road by the same truck. They run in to the local authorities who are looking for a killer on the loose. A killer named Red.

Why is his name significant? Maybe because two of his previous novels feature killers by the name of Black and White. Black, Red, and White are the titles of a trilogy that Dekker wrote, that was actually good. So good, in fact, that Dekker started writing his own fan fiction. The last four novels that he has written are loosely tied in to the trilogy in some form or fashion.

This killer, Red, has a fondness for eating large quantities of mustard after a kill. Why? It calms his nerves. That's about all you get on that. But this leads to classic lines like "Pass the mustard". What context is this in? Well, Red is just thinking over his next move in the sick life or death game he is playing with the main characters, he smiles and says, "Pass the mustard." Now that is bad ass. Sends chills down my spine.

Oh, right. Characters! Very poorly developed. He gives a couple of them interesting backgrounds, but never delves into their issues in any meaningful way. In the end, you don't really care much for them either way. At least I didn't.

So you drone on and on through pages of stuff that you have experienced over and over before in other works by Dekker. The killer traps them in a house. He wants them to kill each other. The whole time the identity of the killer is unknown. But, when you find out who it is, even though you didn't see it coming, you really don't care. Woohoo, the killer is some turd that was never really developed and plays a very unimportant role in the story up until this point.

But wait, that isn't the big twist. Ever seen The Matrix? Then this twist will not shock you in any way. You will sit there thinking, "It was cool in The Matrix, but this is just a rip off."

Here comes the spoiler, if you haven't already seen The Matrix.

The world isn't real! "WHAT?" you say. That's so original. Why hasn't someone already thought of that and made it into a big budget film staring "Ted'' Theodore Logan?

So the whole time they have been playing this game, an experiment, that your unclear on. Now they are pulled out of a game that has gone horribly wrong. Three people are dead and for some weird unexplained reason they have to go back into the game to "Finish the game".

Did we miss the fact that three people have already died? Why the hell are you sending them back in? WHAT? This all leads up to the main characters looking at each other and smiling like they are one Three's Company and they say, "This time we will play the game together." WOW! George Lucas would be proud.

Now at the end of it all, let me say this. Unless my resolve waivers, I am done reading Ted Dekker. I have read every novel he has written to date. The last five have been mediocre at best. I have found new authors I would rather spend my time and money on. Tim Pratt, John Scalzi, and James Maxey. With my new job, time spent reading has gone down considerably. Frankly, I want to enjoy Dekker's work. But ever since he wrote that Trilogy, he seems to have lost his touch.

On to The Last Colony by John Scalzi. WOOT!

Foes Of The Library

2007-04-21T19:24:00.000-04:00

Well, I got one book on my list from the friends of the library book sale. For the most part, I ended up getting books from my reading days as a teenager. Spiderman and X-men novels that were written in the 90's. I didn't end up getting Ghost Brigades, the one book that I really wanted, and would have alone made the trip worth while.

It is amazing how many books I bought that I admit I may never get to reading. Some of which will most likely end up in the Friends of the Library donation bin later on this year. Yet, it still was lots of fun and I got stains all over a pair of pants. (I will just leave it at that and let you guess how I got stains on my pants). I didn't have to hit anyone upside the head, which I guess is a good thing.

Another book I was looking for, Earthborn by Orson Scott Card, which has been there the last couple times. Often with multiple copies in great condition. But, of course, the time I want to buy it, none to be found.

Now, I look ahead to October when the sale rolls back around. I already have put in for the day off and look forward to getting all tense before hand, hoping the people who camped out won't buy up all the good stuff before I get inside. I found myself getting really pissed off when these two old people cut in front of about 100 people who were waiting patiently. Who do you thing you are old man? I better not see you in the Sci-fi section or I will... oh, forget it. You probably like Stephen King anyway. I don't have to worry about you buying up all the good stuff. Turd!

Friends of the Library Book Sale

2007-04-21T07:54:00.000-04:00

This morning is the friends of the library books sale. I want a copy of The Ghost Brigades for a nickel. If you get in my way I will hit you upside the head with a copy of the latest Robert Jordan book.

Don't laugh. This isn't a game. I didn't get here a half hour early so some turd with a duffel bag could wipe all the books off the table in to his duffel bag, just to go sit in a corner and pick through them. Don't pull that crap. All I gots to say is Wheel of Time upside yo head.

Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Could Blog Like Me?

2007-04-15T11:46:00.000-04:00

I was noticing while I was at work the other day, that I would much rather write a blog while I was on the clock and it is not in my job description. I did restrain myself, and that is a good thing. That blog would have ended up sounding like the me after I eat seven corn dogs at Sonic. I have a coupon 2 for $0.99. Mmmm, Tums.

One thing I have noticed about other peoples blogs is they like to use the word "muse" or "musings".

Dan's Ideological Oasis:Daily musings of a high school janitor.

Ladies Welcome:The musings of Leonard Nimoy.

Just because you think you know the definition of the word musing, doesn't mean I want to read your blog. Musings doesn't make your blog sound more appealing. To the contrary, if you put the word musing in the subtitle of your blog, I'm moving on. Because unless you are talking to an imaginary audience, you sad individual, then STOP IT. Musings is not cool.

Just call it what it is.

Captain Dan's Blog o' Crap:Some dude saying dull unimportant crap.

Ladies Welcome:Ladies don't know who Leonard Nimoy is, and that is a sad thing.

I live by this philosophy. Get their expectations low, and keep em' there. If they're reading your blog, great! But watch out should you actually write something witty or half way meaningful. Cause then they come to expect it.

Write about the time you and your frat buddy got drunk and puked all over this fly girl you was "takin' wit." Are you sure you want to call that musing?

A person who goes around looking for a blog to read with musing in the title, isn't going to want to hear about the McMuffin eating contest you won. But a guy who stops and sees BLOG O' CRAP, should be all over that kind of stuff.

I will leave you with this bit of wisdom. "Make an ass of yourself." That way, when people laugh at you, you will think it is because your funny.

Lack of Blog:Venom

2007-04-12T18:34:00.000-04:00

I am sorry about the lack of blogging lately.

Hey there is a new Spiderman 3 Trailer at IGN.COM.

That is all. Will blog again soon. I hope.

TMNT

2007-03-28T17:25:00.000-04:00

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for those of you who don't know. Although, the new ninja turtles movie takes place after the previous live action films. So, maybe the aren't teenage ninja anymore. I guess that's why they named the movie TMNT. Any who, TMNT is well worth the 10 bucks to get in the door, and I will most likely get it on DVD. It's not amazing, but there are a lot of things done right in TMNT.

After watching the movie, it felt like there were two writers working on this movie. One writing a story about the ongoing power struggle within the team between Leonardo and Raphael, which was written very well. Then a second writer telling the typical end of the world story, which ends up feeling like nothing more than what could have been squeezed into a half hour episode of Ninja Turtles. The Raph and Leo story is resolved about 15 minutes before the end of the movie. Which makes the whole experience feel very anticlimactic. Add in the fact that there was no big final showdown between the good guys and the bad guys, the big "Oh no. The world is in danger" story in the film was all to easily resolved, and the final villians were disposed of with great ease. Add it all together and you are left with disappointment.

It also felt like two different people were writing the puns and gags. Some of them were great. Others are the type of obvious humor you would find on Saturday morning.

Yet, I did say that I would probably buy this movie. That is because the story between Raph and Leo is really well done. Hope this isn't a spoiler, but the best, and most likely only, fight seen you may remember from this movie happens between Raph and Leo. I felt totally involved in what was happening between them. I really can't say more without giving much away. But I can say this, the fight seen in the rain between brothers, single handedly save TMNT.

The animation is really nice looking as well. Most of the human characters have that "Incredibles" look about them. While the Turtles have great detail in there animation but still don't look out of place with their human companions.

I will now reference you back to what I said about Expectations and Disappointment. The more I expect from a movie the easier it is to be left with disappointment. The less I expect from a movie, then I will be more likely I will be pleasantly surprised by it. TMNT falls under the latter. I watched a bunch of clips on IGN, and really thought this movie was going to suck. But, it was good. Which made it feel like it was really good.

It's always good to relive those childhood memories. It is hard to mess up a movie that had the ninja turtles at it's core. TMNT left me wanting more, not completely in a good way, not in a bad way either. Overall, I really think they can do better than this, and I hope they do.

One last thing, do you remember the ending to Batman Begins? You know the part where they lead you to believe that the Joker is going to be in the next movie? Well they have something like that in this movie. The big difference between the two is that the one in Batman made me say, "OH SWEET! THE JOKER!" The one in TMNT made me say, "Uh, they could have been a little more specific." If your a moron what I am about to say may be a spoiler for you.

They hint at Shredder being in the next movie. They do it in a way that isn't very exciting. Hey! At least they tried.

Not So Dreamy

2007-03-27T18:20:00.000-04:00

Oh man blogger, I had the craziest dream last night. I had a dream that I had my very own blog. It was the best looking blog. I had a currently reading section and links to my favorite sites. It was great. Then I dreamed that I never updated it. I just let it sit there and grow mold. Even though there was tons of stuff to write about. Like how my new job is going, and my review of the Ninja Turtles movie. Even a blog on how I define the term "Man Crush".

That's when I realized it wasn't a dream. I have been neglecting you. I am so sorry blogger. Maybe I will update you next week, OK.

Worst Best Man Toast Ever!

2007-03-10T18:31:00.000-05:00

I was the best man in a wedding today for the first time in my life. As far as the wedding goes it's easy stuff. Just stand there and give the pastor the ring, then smile like it wasn't you that just farted.

Then there is the matter of the toast.

My wife warned me, "Honey, you need to think about what you are going to say when you get up there."

"Naw, I can ad lib."

I got up in front of the mic, looked out to the crowd, and my mind said, "I got nothin!"

I was trying to say something to the tune of "put your wifes needs before your own." Which I did say. But, the statement I used when referring to "putting your wifes needs before your own", was "Doing it." So the speech sounded a lot more like this:

"When you do it, do it to your wife first. Because when you do it to your wife and your wife does it to you, you both get done. When your wife does it to you, don't forget her needs, do it back to her. Me and my wife do it all the time, and we love it. The feeling you will get can only come from one place, and that's when you do it together. So, don't not do it, it's better when you do it."

I hang my head in shame.

Future Scalzi Review

2007-03-06T22:19:00.000-05:00

On John Scalzi's blog he is giving away a free copy of his new book to whoever writes that best review of a book he has yet to write. Here is my entry.

It was funny the first time. Yet, John Scalzi has found a way to convince TOR to release his new novel that can only be summed up as “The first chapter of The Androids Dream, only 300 pages long.”

John Scalzi’s “aliens that speak in odors” idea first popped up in his “not meant for mass consumption” novel Agent to the Stars. It worked then. It was new and it wasn’t the driving force behind the story. Then, in The Androids Dream, another alien race has the similar way of communicating. This leads to an assassination, with the assassin using a device in his rectum and farts his enemy to death. Again, this was only a fraction of the story. Both of these novels have great characters and are great reads. Not because of the flatulence, but because they were written before John ran out of ideas.

Now all we are left with is The Putrid Crater. A heart-warming tale of an alien race that finds their fecal matter to be a thing of worship. This species is also looking to the stars for the first signs of intelligent life. While sending out a “sniff rover” to every plant they come across, the Clowiuin aliens happen upon a red planet that has no intelligent life and broken rolling objects. The aliens quickly learn that they belong to a blue planet that happens to be in the neighborhood. Before the aliens decide to make them selves know to the “half-haired” creatures, they watch.

They notice that the humans don’t save their poo. As a matter of fact they evacuate it from their homes as soon as it arrives. Fortunately for the humans, the Clowiuin’s are a race of tolerance, and they want to teach the humans how to properly deal with the holy goods. All I am going to say is that when humans get married they save a piece of cake for their first anniversary. Well, in The Putrid Crater, the humans adopt a new wedding tradition that is similar only in that they save something for a year, what that something is and what they do with it I will spare you from.

This book covers about every way a person could misuse human excrement. After the first three chapters I realized that John Scalzi has given up on coming up with anything new. I hope I am wrong, but it seems that gone are the days of books like Old Man’s War and The Androids Dream. Now all we have to look forward to are retellings of Beavis and Butt-head stories set in an already explored Sci-Fi universe.

Ghost Rider

2007-02-18T18:22:00.000-05:00

There is just something about superhero movies. The plot can stink. They dialog can be on par with Star Wars Episode III. Yet when you first see one of your favorite heroes suit up or flame on or whatever, for the first time, it doesn't matter what crap has happened before. All is right in the world. Especially if the the superhero at hand has a flaming skull for a head and rides a motorcycle that's on fire! Why, with that kind of source material you could have crappy acting, one of the worst screenplays you could find, and a choppy storyline. And that's just what the makers of Ghost Rider went out and got.

Ghost Rider is so filled with cliches, it's... it's... well, it just sucks thats all. Jeez! All of the villains are over dramatic. Most of the time they can't make it to the end of a sentence with out using a noise filter to make them sound "really" evil. Apparently to be a villain you must wear a long trench coat, and get your makeup done up to look like a 5 year old that got in her mom stash.

The acting by the villains is amazing. I think I know where they got most of these guys from.

"Welcome have a seat. Now just relax, it's just an audition. First, tell us what acting you have done."

"Well, I never really had an acting job before. But, I have been rejected by numerous b-rate TV shows."

"Really, like who?"

"Let's see, there is Buffy, Walker Texas Ranger, The Power Rangers, and Walker Texas Power Ranger. Oh, but I was in the second Mortal Kombat movie."

"Fantastic! That is the caliber acting we are going for. You see we already blew our budget on Nick Cage. How does $5 bucks and a pack of Ho-Ho's sound?"

The dialog is the worst I have ever seen in a superhero movie. Picture this, Ghost Rider is meeting his enemy for the first time. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. You just witness Nick Cage make a dramatic transformation into Ghost Rider. That's when he is going to drop his first witty comment, "You're going down!"

Uhh... right. You're going down? WOW! Amazing! That is a moment in film history that you will never forget. "I'm talking to the fire that is in me, let me take control" is yet another poorly thought out sentence. It's a good thing they don't let this guy direct films.

Wait.

What?

OH CRAP! He is the director too! Ouch, when you said you were cutting the budget, you really meant it.

There really isn't much going right for this movie. Other than a guy on fire on a bike on fire.

This is the only superhero movie where the hero dispenses of all of his foes very quickly. There is a brief moment when Ghost Rider is challenged in this movie. But, luckily the main villain is an idiot and follows Ghost Rider right into and obvious trap.

There are a ton of movies I am looking forward to this year. Thankfully they can only get better.

February Finally Gets Some Bloggin' Love

2007-02-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

February gets riped-off!

It's the shortest month of the year, no paid holidays, and we are 10 days in and I haven't updated my blog.

I have an excuse, kinda. I was on an impromptu vacation.

I either got fired, or laid off, or quit working at the store in January. I am really unclear on this, but all I know is I don't work there anymore. So, updating wasn't a problem.

I set off on the job hunting trail again, and ended up doing sales for a very large and well respected company. I gots mad benefits, DOG! It pays well and hooks yo homeboy up with da crazy insane plika plow.

Plika plow...? Uhh.. moving on.

Well, working where I am working, it is rather difficult to update my blog. Thus, no post in February until now. But, that's all going to change, sort of. I am going to try to update my blog at home now. There is a certain level of discipline that goes into maintaining this blog. Not much, but discipline none the less. You have to get off the couch. Go to the office. Log in. Then to top it off, I got to think of stuff and write it. Pshh... like I want to do that. It's easier to blog at work.

Digestion

Right now as I type this blog, many things are being set in motion. All of which are taking place in my lower intestine. Me and my wife went out to eat fish and chips last night. Well, I had fish and chips. She substituted her fries for broccoli, a decision I wish I had made. I don't think I am backed up, but plika plow, my junk hurts inside. As much as I blog about bad food, you think I would learn. I hate greasy food, but it taste SO GOOD! Fish and chips with malt vinegar...mmmm. (drool) Would it really hurt me to sub the fries, probably not. But they give you a whole lot a malt vinegar and so little fish. I gots to get that vinegar in my belly, and I can't just sit there and drink it. People would see me do it and try it. Then they would all get addicted and we would have a malt vinegar shortage. Then what the hell am I going to put on my fish. Nope, the best idea it to eat the fries with the vinegar. I mean, I can't let the vinegar go uneaten. So, my penalty for gluttony is having to grab my side like I ran 20 feet and needed to catch my breath. That didn't stop me from eating free cake from Kitchen and Spice, and a half a cinnamon roll from The Fresh Market. Sorry colon.

Plus, we didn't get no hush puppies! Plus, it took over a half hour to get our food. PLUS, when we complained to the manager he didn't try to make it right. "What do you want me to do to make this right for you?" Granted he probably was running around apologizing to everyone, but dang, your the manager, you tell me how your going to make it right. When we pay for food and wait a half hour and don't gets dem hushies! Alls I gots to say is PLIKA PLOW!

Funnel Cakes and Fair Food

2007-01-28T17:18:00.000-05:00

This weekend was the medieval fair.

There is nothing quite like hanging out with a bunch of dorks dressed up like their favorite characters from Lord of the Rings. It's wonderful to hear them refer to themselves with their made up medieval names. "Sir Grubinground: Captain of the Rolariand Fleet."

Dorks will normally leave to alone in the real world, but once to step into their territory they get all cocky. They will yell at you and demand you play their ridiculous impossible to win games. "Throws some balls at some stuff, and if you can knock down all 54 targets with 3 balls we will give you this cheap nick-nack that we got for a quarter at the Food Lion. Don't miss out on this opportunity to waist your money."

Me and my family went on Saturday. My better half was trying to advise me to eat before we went. My response was, "Half the fun of going to the fair is eating the food." I am not the only one who thinks this way, my mother also shares my opinion. But once I got to the fair I realized that most of the food they serve is made by the shadiest of people. They don't wear hair nets at the fair. I didn't see any health inspectors coming through. I did see long haired ho-bo's making my french fries.

"So, what do you do when your not slinging overpriced grease?"

"Oh, I sit on the interstate on-ramp and try to bum a ride."

"Fantastic. By the way, your mullet is dipping into the funnel cake mix."

I had the "fish and chips." Which by its self, not that bad. My problem was the rabbit turds in the bottom of the malt vinegar. But hey, "When in Rome, eat and don't ask questions."

I think the only thing worse than a chili dog from Krystal's, is a funnel cake. I know they will make me sick, but when someone offers a bite, I can't help but to indulge myself. Funnel cake is like a sponge. When you cook fries in a deep fryer, you are usually left with oil in the fryer. Not funnel cakes. Drop a funnel cake in and all the grease that was in your cooker is now on the inside of that carbohydrate H-Bomb. Don't believe me! Ask your self this, what color was the powdered sugar on your last funnel cake? I know is wasn't white! Remember what they say about yellow snow? Well that applies here.

Funnel cakes aren't like Krystal's. You can get away with eating one bite of a Krystal burger and not get sick. With funnel cakes, one bite is enough.

"Honey, I am feeling a tingling down my arm."

"Me too, but my hair is also falling out by the handful, damn funnel cake!"

A funnel cake is like a pancake, inside a waffle, inside a doughnut.

Oh, I imagine the next time I go to a fair I will get some food from some shady vendor. I am just going to try and stay away from the turducken of pastries.

All Kinds Of Stuff

2007-01-24T08:34:00.000-05:00

I would like to apologize first off for the lack of blogging goodness. It has been a weird month. Plus, I have been watching 24, and that just means it's very difficult to get around to blogging.

Job

I got a new job... again. This time I think it is a good one. I will be sitting on my sweet cheeks and answering phones to talk people into buy stuff. It finally happened, I am a salesman. No, I am not a telemarketer, so just calm down.

I will be only fielding unsolicited calls. To those of you I will be talking to in a couple of weeks, I promise to do my job, without annoying the crap out of you.

I went to the companies job fair to get an interview. Little did I know that they would be testing me.

They gave me a personality test, which they say you can't fail. But, if it look like you fit the personality of an ass, you failed.

Then they gave me a vocabulary and math test. I did well on the vocab, but the math test was timed, and they took away my calculator. This is the year 2007, who uses their brain for math anymore? They gave me 3 minutes to do 40 problems, I got through 4. I HATE MATH!

Luckily, that didn't stop them from hiring me after my amazing interview. 5 minutes in a room with me, who could resist my charm and charisma?

Little Miss Sunshine

My wife borrowed a copy of Little Miss Sunshine from a work associate a few days ago. She knew I was going to try to rent it from Netflix.

It's hard for me to think of all the movies I saw that came out in the year 2006, but I think I can safely say, this was the best.

Hard Science Fiction

I love Sci-fi novels. On occasion, I enjoy a fantasy novel. I have always said, I hate Hard SF. I started reading a book by Jack McDevitt called Deepsix. It is Hard SF, but it is great! (so far)

I am starting to wonder if my problem isn't hard SF stories, by hard SF writers. My biggest problem with hard SF is that the writers are way too heady. They use big words, that I don't care to learn. I don't want to read about a bunch of scientist doing math. I HATE MATH!

About a month ago, I was talking to my friend, Shane, about fiction books. I told him, "I just don't like the hard sf."

He reminded me that Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card was hard SF.

Speaker is one of my favorite books, not because of the hard SF elements, but because of the incredibly well written characters. The story centers around a dysfunctional family. I remembered that most of the members of that family were scientist. I came to the realization that scientist are people too, and Jack McDevitt knows it too.

That's why I am enjoying Deepsix. I love SF, but if the characters aren't well drawn, then I have a hard time reading it.

I Will Try to Spare You

2007-01-18T09:22:00.000-05:00

I feel like blogging. I just can't think of anything to sit down and write about.

Usually when I get like this, I end up writing something I regret.

So here are just some quick observations by me,

I like the show 24.
The weather here is weird.
Sleep is great, I try to do it once a day.
"Stool" is a weird word for poop.

There, I blogged and nobody got hurt.

Loss

2007-01-13T11:45:00.000-05:00

I am not going to say much, other than we lost our cat Thursday morning. He had a heart attack and died in his sleep.

We miss him, but at least he is not in pain anymore.

The Greatest and Best School in College Sports

2007-01-09T09:04:00.000-05:00

The Gators are national football champs once again. The University of Florida is the first school in NCAA history to hold both the men's basketball and football championships in the same year. We are the greatest university in all of college sports.

Gainesville is celebrating, but all I am reading on the sports sites is, "What if Boise State got a shot?"

Boise State didn't get a shot, and it's too late to sit around crying.

What about when Bowing Green went undefeated? What about when Utah went undefeated? They didn't get a shot.

BSU deserves a shot, but the Gators deserved it more. If Florida played BSU's schedule we would be unbeaten too. So would USC, Michigan, Auburn, LSU, and maybe even Kentucky. BSU played one game this year. Florida won the SEC, going through LSU, Arkansas, Georgia and Tennessee, all finishing ranked in the top 25. How many teams in the WAC finished in the top 25? BSU and that's it. Even the pancake teams of the SEC had good years. Not to mention that we spanked the "number one" team in the land.

On a good day, BSU can beat anyone. But can they do it all year against great teams? If they weren't in the MAC or the WAC or the BUTTCRACK... whatever that conference is called, then they would have a legitimate argument.

I want a playoff system. Then BSU would have to play 3 or more great teams straight. If they run the table and get there, great! Teams get hosed in the NCAA, but this year, I think they got it right.

Thr3e: A Movie & Book Review

2007-01-08T11:43:00.000-05:00

Thr3e, as a book, awesome. Thr3e, as a movie, cheap.

If you are a Christian, like I am, then you have probably heard the phrase "Don't cast your pearls before swine." If you have something good, don't let some turd with a camera ruin it.

Book: Thr3e the book is fast paced, keeps you guessing, and leaves you satisfied at the end. It is a great story first. At no point during the book do you stop and say, "OK, this is unrealistic, that dialog is cheesy, what the crap was the author thinking." It is just a fantastic novel, regardless of your stance on Christianity. My sister doesn't claim to be a Christian and she thought Thr3e was great, she read it twice.

Movie:While the movie doesn't suffer from trying to be too "Christian", and it never really gets preachy, it just sucks as a movie. The movie was made by Fox Faith, the same people that made a train wreak of a film known as The Visitation (based on the novel by Frank Peretti). Robbie Henson directed both of these movies and is currently working on another movie called House, based on the novel by Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti. House will be a one of a kind film, but more on that later.

The movie suffers most of all from the makers and the actors trying too hard, and sometimes not hard enough. Pretty much every actor in this movie does a piss poor job of delivering a believable performance. If there were any good actors in this film, I couldn't find them. They must have been given bad lines and poor directing, there was certainly plenty of both going around. Not to mention the over acting on a character named Princess. The movie tries to portray Princess as she is in the book, but sometimes you have to tone that stuff down for movies. No matter how serious a moment in a movie, when a old women with too much make-up and a tiara bust on to the screen, it's going to get people to snicker. Then the actress drives it home with an overdone performance.

Most of the Dekker fans I talk to say that Thr3e is there favorite novel. I think it is the best piece of fiction he has done, just because I think anyone could read it and wouldn't have to try to get around a bunch of preachy digressions. It's is also just a great read from start to finish. That being said, why would you give it up to some low budget film makers? Christian movie studios are about 10 years behind in there technology and experience. They are a one way ticket to ruining your story.

Left Behind is the best selling Christian novel of all time. Don't quote me on that, but even if you are not a Christian, you most likely have heard of it. You might have even read it. It had the best chance of turning into a huge Hollywood production. After the success of Passion of the Christ and Narnia, movie studios are more open to doing Christian films. The problem is it is hard to get Christians to go to the movies. Fiction isn't a huge success in the Christian market as it is. There are a handful of novels that have the following that would allow them to be made into a mainstream film. Left Behind would be number one on the list of books that a movie would work for. But, there won't be a good Left Behind movie made. Why? Because the rights have already been sold to a small Christian film company, Cloud Ten Pictures, that put out three sub par films.

If the authors would have waited, and sold there movie rights to a major film maker they would have made a great deal of money. I think it would attract the same crowds that went to see Passion. Most likely not the same ticket sales, but it would be a successful film.

Honestly, Dekker would have probably not been approached by a major company. Even though his books sell well in the Christian market, he doesn't even make a blip on the secular radar. This may be the best version of a film version of Thr3e we could ever hope for. This is the state of Christian media. We write our stories for Christian publishers, we make our movies through Christian companies, and for the most part, the only ones that notice are Christians.

My sister was reading the user movie reviews that were on Fandango. All 15 or so users rated it a must see. I am willing to bet that they are all part of Dekkers "street team". What happens on these street teams is this, lets say Styrafoam releases a new album called "Disappointed Yet?". Then we would get on our myspace and tell all of our friends to go to Amazon.com, where we are selling it, and post a butt load of positive reviews. Now all of the sudden people who just happen upon our crap CD, see all these great reviews.

Granted, there are some people who genuinely like Thr3e the movie. That's cool, whatever. But, the people actually making these movies are convinced that they are producing films every bit as good as the stuff in Hollywood.

Now onto House. House is a book written by two of the premier Christian novelist, Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker. A recipe for a great novel. Only problem is that they have two completely different ways to approach writing a novel. Peretti likes to research his books for months before he even begins the actual writing of the story. Dekker, on the other hand, gets an idea, then he just starts writing, letting the ideas come to him as he writes. While Dekker said in Pages Magazine that he would love to do a sequel with Peretti, Frank said he would never do another collaboration. The fruit of their works ended up being an utterly confusing story that just left me dumbfounded. My sister compares the book to a Sci-fi original movie meets a competitive eating contest. Anyway, the story is weird, and would be very difficult to turn into a movie. But, why would you want to? House the movie is going to be like Baby Geniuses 2, but way more confusing. It will truly be a unique film if nothing else.

I can't wait to see it!

Quick Rapid Fire Updates Aimed at Your Head!

2007-01-03T11:52:00.000-05:00

Christmas was good.
Our cat is sick, pray for him.
We got a new king size bed!
For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep before midnight on New Years Eve.
I have no visible rashes.
I won my fantasy football league.

That's it. Hope your face is OK!

My Other Christmas Gift!

2006-12-26T18:33:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas morning. I get up, turn on the Christmas lights, and light the candles. I wake my wife up saying, "It's Christmas, lets get going." I know she will take a few moments to get out of bed.

I go to the computer and log on to my fantasy group. I am in a game I have every intention of losing at. The person I am playing is arrogant and cocky (he is also a good friend). The kind of person you take pleasure in defeating at a meaningless game. If I win, I go to the championship game. If I lose, I go to play in the Preparation H Bowl.

In my fantasy group, they have what they call "Smack Talk". A two sentence blurb that you can edit to, well, talk smack. I was relevied to log on and see his smack talk, "No profanity can express my anger right now. This is the worst Christmas ever."

I was winning 60-40! I have never enjoyed ruining someones day, much less Christmas, but dang that felt good.

I know that I most likely will lose in the final game against "The Meat Spinners". Mainly because we got into a huge who is gay insult contest. I feel I made him feel more gay than he made me feel. That's why I think I won't win this Sunday. But at the same time, I have beat "The Meat Spinners" every time I have played him this year. I got that going for me.

If I win, it will be the biggest sports achievement I have ever been a part of since I won back to back national titles in NCAA Football 2007 for the XBOX.

An Interview with Norton G. Francenstien

2006-12-21T10:24:00.000-05:00

Hello, this is Alberto Richards with Book Readers Quarterly except in June when we release 8 Issues. We recently had the chance to sit down with not so famous blog author Norton G. Francenstien aka The Amazing Fedge. The reason we picked Norton as our subject for this issue of BRQEIJWWR8I, is because our sales and journalistic integrity have been dwindling, and he is the only one stupid enough to do an interview with us. So with out further ado here is our interview with Norton G. Francenstien.

AR:Thank you Norton for coming to talk with us.

NGF:No problem.

AR:Lets get to it. You have been writing your blog for over six months now. How do you feel about the public response so far?

NGF:Well that depends on who you ask. If you were to ask actual living people, their response would most likely be, "Who the hell is Norton G. Francenstien?" or "Why would I read something called Dumb Stuff I Wrote?" But, If you were to ask my imaginary hoard of readers the response would be very positive, indeed. I think I have changed the lives of many imaginary readers. A blog ceases to be a blog when you are restoring peace to an imaginary humanity.

(At this point, your humble interviewer realized what a mistake I was making interviewing this guy. I still needed my story, so despite what my brain was telling me, I pressed in further.)

AR:Wow! That really is something. Do you ever look back and wish that you had spent the time you spent on your blog, on something a little more productive than writing to a invisible audience?

NGF:Sometimes, I really think I could have gotten a good bit of Madden 07 in.

AR:And you think that is more productive than writing to no one?

NGF:Uh, winning the Super Bowl isn't a big deal to you?

AR:Lets move on. You often post negative reviews of restaurants you have been to. Are there any restaurants you like?

NGF:Oh yeah, I like Millhopper Cafe, Caraba's Italian Grill, Adam's Rib Co, and The Fresh Market. They all make my face melt off.

AR:And your face getting melted off is a good thing?

NGF:Usually. Sometimes, if you go into Taco Bell your face will melt off. But that is just because when they cook the "meat", it releases chemicals into the air, and they cause your flesh to be eaten away. Taco Bell has had to put in place a defense force to keep terrorist from finding out about their "Grade E" meat.

AR:Right. You also write a little bit about sports. How do you feel about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this season?

NGF:You might as well ask how I feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles.

AR:How do you feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles?

NGF:It's OK, I guess.

AR:Who is going to win the Super Bowl this year, in real life, not in Madden?

NGF:I hope you are writing this down, because in February you can come back to me and congratulate me on being completely accurate. The winners of Super Bowl XLI will be:Not the Bucs.

AR:Let's move away from sports, since it seems to be getting us nowhere. You are a reader of Sci-Fi and Fantasy, do you have any plans to write a story in the future?

NGF:Yes, I am currently work on a story about what is going to happen if the Krystal's franchise is not brought to it's knees. It isn't really hard to write, since Krystal's has already started trying to weaken the defense of America. They have these things called combos at Krystal's. They often ask if you want to get the combo. A combo comes with fries. FRIES! The last thing anyone needs to eat after eating 3 Krystal burgers is deep fried carbohydrates. It is obvious to me they want to cause the world a great deal of harm. I just don't know why we haven't seen it yet.

AR:You really don't stray much from the food topic do you? Well, I am just going to wrap this up, because the longer this interviews goes, the less and less likely I feel that it will actually get published. Is there anything you would like to tell our audience before we go.

NGF:When life hands you lemons, pelt life in the face with those very same lemons.

AR:Words of truth if ever their were any.

BFTSOB 5: Living up to the name "Dumb Stuff I Wrote!"

2006-12-19T14:20:00.000-05:00

I have received a number of complaints (well, one complaint, by Shane), saying I don't blog enough.

Have you read a blog by me that I did just because there was nothing else to do but blog.

It would sound a little a-like-a-dis...

So, me and Luke Wilson were hanging out at a Taco Bell talking about our theological views. I was on my second bean burrito and Luke was finishing up his double dump chalupa when Dick Clark came in the door counting down to the year 2007. Now, when this happened it was the middle of November, so you can imagine our surprise. He still had a lot of seconds to go. The last time I saw Dick Clark in a Taco Bell , he entered himself in the 2001 Taco Bell celebrity "Eat until you pass out" contest. If you remember correctly it was the event that Ben Affleck, Snoop Dogg, and John Tesh were all hospitalized at. Most of them on there third bag of cinnacrisp. But not Dick Clark, his iron stomach never gave in.

But I digress, I looked at Luke and gave him the code word, "Twinkie". He knew that this meant to lay down suppressive fire. Luke whipped out his Uzi and emptied his clip forcing all the taco bell workers to duck for cover. I took this moment to hop over the counter and into the grease laden kitchen where they make the "food". I snatched up all the toys that go in the kids meals. They were toys based on the movie Fast Getaway staring Corey Haim.

I heard a click. "I'm out!", Luke yelled at me.

AHHHHH!! OK, I am going to stop now. Do you see where this is going. I was trying to stop posting blogs like this. Me, writing about the first thing that comes to mind is a dangerous thing. Especially for Dick Clark.

Why can't I blog about normal things, like this sore in the back of my mouth. Have you ever had some one stab you in the mouth with a tooth pick covered in Texas Pete's Wing sauce. No? Well, I guess you don't hang out at Jimmy's House of Lacerations. Any who, that's what it feels like. I have been using that sore throat numbing spray. It helps, but the after taste leaves me feeling like I ate a rusty microwave.

I started reading Nobody Gets the Girl by James Maxey. It calls its self a comic book novel. The main characters name is Richard Rogers. After Dr. Know goes back in time and accidentally erases Richard from existence (kind of). Richard awakes in his own house and finds that he and his wife don't live there anymore, but in his place in another married couple. After repeated attempts to talk to the new tenets of the house, he soon finds out that he is invisible and is unable to be heard.

Dr. Know knows that he has erased Richards past. He takes him from his old house and brings him to a mansion. Dr. Know is able to see Richard because he believes he exist. Apparently this is genetic, because his two daughters also can see him as well.

I really like it so far.

Well, that's it I'm done blogging for today. I think some people just need to learn patience.

Best of 2006 1.5

2006-12-19T14:11:00.000-05:00

In the books section of my Best of 2006 post I said I don't read that many books that come out in a given year.

Well, I just finished The Ghost Brigades by John Scalzi, and this is best book of 2006.

It is a stand alone follow up to his 2005 novel Old Man's War, which is also great.

So there. Go read it or know that you missed out on the book Norton G. Francenstien called the best book of the year.

Just so you know, John Scalzi also got the Hugo award for best new author, so you know it's not just me.

Empire and the Bad Book Bug

2006-12-14T12:25:00.000-05:00

Even the best of authors can write bad stories.

Orson Scott Card is by far my favorite author, but Empire is bad. Card's writing is great. I have read more than twenty of his novels. I love Ender's Game, Ender's Shadow, The Alvin Maker Series, Treasure Box, and Lost Boys. Most everything I have ever read from Card was engrossing and fulfilling.

But not Empire. It is mostly uninteresting. The first two hundred pages are readable, but after that it slows down.

Empire is a new near future work of Science Fiction that has America in the second civil war. After the President is assassinated, the Protagonist Reuben becomes the prime suspect. For good reason too, his assignment for the pentagon had him looking for possible ways to assassinate the President. He quickly realizes that the report he filled has been leaked, and now the leader of the US is dead, as is the Vice President.

The Speaker of the House takes over a president, and it soon becomes clear to him and Reuben that these plans were leaked to place the blame on the US military and Reuben. When Reuben and his new assistant, Cole, go to visit New York City, they find them selves under attack. The city has been overtaken by Mechs (see the Hoth battle in Empire Strikes Back).

It turns out that these attacks are being planed by the extremist liberals. The next civil war is between the red states and the blue states.

Usually, I find my self agreeing with most of OSC political views. I don't dislike this book because of Card's viewpoints, but for the same reason I dislike most of the Christian Fiction that has come out as of late. There is something other than a great story that is getting across here.

This book is based on an upcoming video game. Which should be the first hint that this book wasn't going to be up to the level of Card's previous works. The publishers of the game had certain things that needed to happen in the story. I think one of the things was the mechs. But being under that requirement, being in the box, must have effected his writing. I found myself skimming the last hundred pages. I NEVER SKIM. I like eating up every morsel that a story has to offer. But, I could not wait to get this one over with.

Which leads me to the bad book bug. Anytime I read a bad book, I over analyze why a book is bad. Then, when I start a new book, I start analyzing it. Reading works better for me when I just sit back relax and enjoy the story. It usually takes a couple of days for me to get over the bad book bug.

Last month, I read a book by John Scalzi called Old Man's War. It was fantastic, reminded me a lot of Ender's Game. Probably because it's military fiction. I started The Ghost Brigades, the sequel to Old Man's War. I am enjoying it, but I would be enjoying it a lot more if I could just get over this bug. Argg!

The Fresh Market

2006-12-11T18:16:00.000-05:00

Who knew going to the super market was so fun? I'm not talking about Super Target where you can buy groceries and a plasma television. I'm talking about a place that only sells food. NO, not Mickey D's. That place will cause you to crap out your gal bladder, even though their fries are awesome.

I am talking about a bona fide grocery store. The Fresh Market, fools!

Both me and my wife have started shopping at the new store in town, and we peed our pants all up and down that place with excitement. There is something for everyone. Like a meat section that will make a vegan convert. Produce that looks like, well, like it hasn't been sitting in the back for three weeks. A deli that has nice people working in it. Not to mention that what they make in the deli, like chicken and ribs, are great. I haven't tried the ribs but soon and very soon I will. Can you say bulk candy? Yeah, little gummy cola bottles here I come.

Oh, but I saved the best for last. They have a bakery that will melt your face. One look at their cakes, pies, and pastries and you will be saying, "Well, weighing 300 pounds can't be all that bad."

We bought many different things in the two time we have been there. But the bacon takes the cake. They have bacon that will melt your face. Oh... wait, I used that one. They have bacon that will shave you back for you. Yeah, it's good stuff. We cooked up some on Sunday morning and the house smelled like bacon the whole day. And that's not a bad thing when bacon smells like their bacon does. Which smells awesome. The smell will singe your nose hairs.

They have great atmosphere, customer service, and stuff you just can't find anywhere else. There is nothing quite like spending a Sunday afternoon drinking up their free wine and apple cider.

I love looking into the faces of my fellow shoppers and see a combination of glee and intoxication.

I felt like I was walking through Willie Wonka's Room where everything was edible.

The Best of 2006

2006-12-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

I hate media. All of it, without exception. Movies, music, games, books, you name it, I can't stand.

Well, except for all the I thought was awesome that came out this year.

Music

Stadium Arcadium by Red Hot Chili Peppers, My Island by Starflyer 59, The Best-Worst Case Scenario by Fair, The Crane Wife by The Decemberist, Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes, ...and the Summertime Pool Party by Pigeon John.

Movies

Monster House, Walk the Line, Nanny McPhee, and Superman Returns

Thats about it on the movies this year. Kinda slow year.

Books

I don't read a lot of books on the year they came out. Most of the time I pick them up years down after their release. The books I did read that came out in 2006 were House and Saint by Ted Dekker, The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly, and The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor. The only one I would suggest to you is Looking Glass Wars. It's and alternate version of Alice and Wonderland, and it turned out pretty well.

Games

Year in and year out, my favorite game is usually a sports title, except for the year that Halo 2 came out, and this year. Although NCAA Football 07 is amazing and I still play it a couple times a week.

The best game that came out in 2006 is New Super Mario Bros. It was outselling all other games on all other systems for months. It plays like a dream.

The other great games game of 2006 I played were, Far Cry Instincts (XBox), Yoshi's Island (DS), Tetris (DS), and Club House Games (DS).

In Conclusion

Well, 2006 was awesome. I got married in 2006, what did you do?

The 50th Post

2006-11-28T18:25:00.000-05:00

It's been a long a long hard road. This marks the fiftieth post on Dumb Stuff I Wrote.

While it is true that I wrote a few post that are no longer on the site and How to Run Someone Over and Not Get Caught, can hardly be considered a post. I still feel a sense of accomplishment. From here on out the blog should be looking up. I think I have learned a lot in the past 50 post. Like, not posting when you are drunk, and not putting icing on your wifes face when you know she normally wouldn't hit you in the face with cake in the first place. Otherwise you will just end up with nostrils full of dairy product.

In the past seven months I have written 49 post. Some of them good, others not so good. So, if you don't mind I would like to suggest some of my favorites.

I think the Mutant League Poker was my first good entry. I spent time on the other posts, but I feel that this one came off pretty well. It was one of the first post I wrote after thinking about it for a while, so it was written better than the post where I just sit down and start typing about any old crap.

Follow that up with Stealth! Who Needs Stealth?, which is me talking about playing a video game, but I still had fun writing it.

Then, there are the blogs about the restaurants I hate. Like, Letter To WHATABURGER, Calling In Sick, and Sackful o' Death. All of which were a blast to write. It's true that for the most part in these blogs I am just ripping off of Jim Gaffigan's comedy act, but I don't care.

One of my favorites is Who Would Win in a Fight? It is the epic tale of two classic gladiators duking it out.

If I had to narrow down the list of post you should never read down to three, I think they would be, For The Last Time, Let It Snow!, and Totally Dorky Complete. Really I am telling the truth, don't read them.

I feel that I have become a better writer since I stared this blog. When I go back and read the previous post I made here, I can really see the difference in the way I write. Granted, I am not an awesome word smith, by any stretch of the imagination. Some of my early posts really had some issues. I will also admit the some of the newer post have issues, but the new issues are just me not thinking before I sit down and write.

Where do we go from here? Well, I promise to continue to write post about any kind of crap that comes to mind. I also plan to continue pretending that there are thousands of people that read my blog. I swear I will live up to the standards that have been set in place here a Dumb Stuff I Wrote!, or my name isn't Norton G. Francenstiengulburgerhouse the third.

For the record, I would much rather eat at a place called "Francenstiengulburgerhouse" than Krystal's any day of the week.

How to Open a Pomegranate

2006-11-25T11:13:00.001-05:00

Not the way I open one.

A couple of weeks ago my wife picked up a little information about how you pick out a pomegranate. They say you are supposed to look for the heaviest and reddest pomegranate you can find. But, the last time we did that, we ended up with one that was gray, not red, on the inside. Needless to say we didn't eat it.

So, last night we got another pomegranate home, not the heaviest or reddest in the store. I pulled out the instructions on how to open a pomegranate. I started by cutting off the top and bottom, then I quartered the middle parts. I grabbed a bowl of water, like they said to, and picked the seeds/fruit off and put them in the water. As I am doing this my wife tells me I am getting juice every where. And pomegranate juice is the same color as cranberry juice, and I would think stains in with the same potency.

There was juice on my shorts, on the walls, and on the floors. (Warning: Fedge is about to exaggerate, big time!) I mean, the kitchen looked like a scene from Friday the 13th. The cats had a red slimy layer, that they tracked all through out the house. I think pomegranates are best opened outside.

After 16 hours of clean up, I was ready to enjoy the Japaneses apple, as they call it. It's nothing like an apple. Except that it is tart... and has seeds in the middle. Well, its a fruit, like an apple. Whatever. But it is pretty tasty, and as tart as it is, I have had a sugar buzz all morning. Plus, there is a butt load of fruit in a pomegranate. I have enough to last me through the week. I just wonder how long the pomegranate fad will last. But while it's here, I plan on drinking everything in the store that says pomegranate on it.

The Pomegranate Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink (or PAGTED for short) is awesome.

Net Savvy and My Blog

2006-11-24T12:52:00.000-05:00

OK, that last post sucked. The only reason I did that was because I wanted to prove to myself I had the know how to make a picture link.

It's not really that hard, it just makes me feel so net savvy.

I mean, have you looked at my myspace? I use the default settings. I have seen some web pages made by eight year olds that look better than anything I have ever made.

Do you ever think back to something you did in your past and shake your head in shame? You maybe the only one who knows about it, and it may make no difference in who you are today, but you can't help but feeling that you are an idiot when ever you think about that event.

Well, that's what it is like for me when I read my blog. If I ever want to be reminded myself of how dumb I can be, all I need to do is go back and read any one of my many entries.

Let it Snow!

2006-11-21T11:20:00.000-05:00

Every snow flake is unique. Even the ones that say "Super Fedge" on them. I found out about this site through Orson Scott Card's website.

Snow Days is a website where you can make your own snow flake, save it to their database, and watch your snow flake fall on the website for all to see. I made two. One that said "Super Fedge" and one that said "Poop". One track mind I know.

Look, a banner ad for you to click!

Any who, you can search all the flakes that have been made or watch as new flakes fall. There are some really creative ones as well. I don't have enough time or energy to actually try to make something nice (Actually I have the time and energy, just not the talent).

Want to see the "Super Fedge" snowflake. Click the banner above and enter this flake ID number: 2825615, then witness the magesticnicity.

Soon to be Published

2006-11-20T10:34:00.000-05:00

Hopefully, if he doesn't forget, I will be published in Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show. Granted, it will be in the letters to the editor section of the website, but still, it's pretty wicked awesome.

I e-mailed a letter to the editor a while ago to tell him how much I enjoyed the latest edition of the magazine. Being that it was the first issue he was editor of, and it turned out great, I felt the need to let him know he was doing a good job.

I got an e-mail back from him, telling me he appreciated my letter, and wanted to know if he could post it on the letters to the editor section of the site. I was like, "Yes, hurry up and post it."

This is the first step to becoming big time. Soon web sites from all over will want me to write them so they can publish my letters online. I bet they are going to get so many hits when my letter goes online.

On The Air and Sales People

2006-11-11T15:17:00.000-05:00

Today was the store's official grand re-opening. We had a local radio station do a remote from the store. The manager and owner did an on air interview with the DJ. I was also interviewed.

The manager and the owner were both very professional and I was a total moron.

I had my DJ voice on. I was talking like a salesman, "We are stepping it up today, with big sales on music and books! So, come on down here and sign up for our card and get 10% off everything in the store."

Come to find out, I am going to be on the radio once a month. Doing what you ask? I will be telling people about new releases and trying to sell them stuff. I hope I can tone it down so I don't sound like an ass. I am not really a salesman, but I could easily become one if I am not careful.

My dad was a salesman, and I know how to act friendly to people. But, that's not who I want to be. I just want to be a genuine guy, who is real with people. I don't like being that over the top sales dude. I would rather be the guy who is trying to sell you something because I think you really would like it. I want to be nice to people because I am a nice person, not because I want to meet a quota.

When me and my wife were shopping for rings, we had some turd going all salesman on us. After we left, we both said we didn't want to give them our business. Just tell us what you have, and we will make our own decision. Don't pretend to be my buddy either, because all you really want is my money. You don't really like me, you didn't invite me to any barbecue's you had at your house. We haven't know each other for years, so stop acting like we are friends.

Sorry, but salespeople frustrate me. That's why becoming one scares me.

Sackful O' Death

2006-11-09T18:30:00.000-05:00

This is such a successful blog. My readers come from all over the globe. I get e-mail after e-mail asking, "What other fast food joints make you sick?"

You know I hate WHATABURGER and Subway, but I have only hinted at the shrine of sickness in my blog. Krystal's is the worst fast food joint in the land. There is only one thing that makes me more sick that a bean burrito from Taco Bell, and that's a burger from Krystal's (or at least what they laughingly call a burger).

When the Krystal Burger was first made, it was a normal size burger. The first man to partake of the normal size Krystal Burger died as soon as the grease hit his stomach. It is the first recorded death caused by fast food. Many more followed as Krystal's grew in popularity.

After this tragedy, the maker of the Burger of Shame decided that in its original form, the Krystal Burger was too much for any normal person to handle. That is why they sized it down to a sliver of what looks nothing like meat and a bun that is four times the size of the "meat". Top it of with a substance they call mustard and mayo. Then, add one thin pickle. It's a good thing that pickle is so small, because it is the grossest pickle they could find. Has it been dropped on the ground? Was it found under the seat of the managers car? Who knows? It's just the worst pickle ever!

I think Krystal's is out to cause every one to have liver failure. If you drive by a Krystal's, they have a sign out front that says "Bring home a sackful!" WHY? Why would I want to bring home one of your sandwiches, much less twelve? TWELVE! If you buy a sackful you better have twelve friends at home to help you eat it, because your pancreas can only handle so much. You need to eat what you order from Krystal's as soon as you buy it. With Krystal's there is no such thing as left overs. If you let a "burger" sit for even one hour, the bacteria that they use to flavor the "meat" starts to grow and become an animated sentient life form. If you wait two hours you can see them starting to farm and build a bacteria strip mall. To eat one of these small Krystal villages would be murder, not just because you killed that small community, but also for your stomach lining.

Then, there is the chicken nugget sandwich. Now granted, I have never gotten sick from a Krystal chicken sandwich, but then again I have never eaten more than one of them at a time. They charge, what, a buck fifty for a chicken nugget on a bun. I can go to any other fast food place and get a five nuggets for that price, and I don't have to peel a nasty bun off of them to make it edible.

The next sentence I am going to write may scare my readers, but you must know about this.

KRYSTAL'S MAKES CHILI DOGS!

Chili dogs make everyone sick, no matter where you buy them from! This is a deadly alliance between two evils, to create the most dangerous food known to man. If you ever want to know what it is like to have hallucinations without buying illegal substances, go get yourself a Krystal's chili dog. I will not be held responsible for the mess your wife has to clean up in the bathroom afterwards. And no, I will not pay you for any missed work or doctor bills you get from eating the chili dog. You can eat one if you want, but eat at your own risk.

Poor Guy

2006-11-07T17:44:00.000-05:00

I had the experience of taking a diabetic cat to the vet today, because he was having seizures.

It was very traumatizing for myself and my wife. Its one of those things, where you don't really know how much you enjoy having a cat around, until he is not around. We went back to the house briefly after word to calm down, and it was weird having the two cats there without him.

He is going to be OK and he is coming home tonight.

Drunk or Not Drunk?

2006-11-02T17:35:00.000-05:00

My blog over the past few days has been really... strange. Some of the things I have said sound like the musings of a dunk vagrant.

Here are some examples,

"One of my favorite blogs to write was the one about the small town in Alabama that was completely over run by man eating late night Taco Bell managers."

Now I ask you, Drunk or Not Drunk?

How about this one,

"Then if I were a planet made out of butter pecan ice cream I would call myself 'Chester: The Planet made from Butter Pecan Ice Cream'. That would be so awesome."

Drunk or Not Drunk?

"So, when someone ask you 'Who would win in a fight, Neo or Obi Wan?', you can confidently say 'That Glove guy from Hamburger Helper."

Yep! DRUNK!

I started another blog, because it makes me feel special. It's called The Steaming Pile. If you go there now, before I wise up and delete it, there is a really stupid story. I mean REAL stupid! Just me acting drunk.

Update: Fedge finally woke up. The Steaming Pile is no more. Don't worry, he will most likely do something really stupid and start another blog that no one wants to read.

For The Last Time

2006-11-01T10:04:00.000-05:00

So, this one time me and my friend Francesco went to Toy's R Us dressed up as Barbara Streisand and Fred Savage. People left and right were coming up to me asking for Fred Savage's autograph. Yet, no one came up to Barbara/Francesco and asked for hers. I think this proves beyond a shadow of doubt that Fred Savage is better than Barbara Streisand. So now you can stop asking me.

YA Novels

2006-10-31T17:37:00.000-05:00

I have been reading two "YA" books.

The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor
and
Eragon by Christopher Paolini.

I finished The Looking Glass Wars this morning. It was very good and fun to read. The story moved at a fast pace, almost too fast. That's really my only complaint. There are parts of the story I wish he would have spent more time developing. The pace seemed to fluctuate between really fast and what I would consider a normal story pace. The character development was spot on though.

It is the first YA novel I have read in a while, which is fine by me. There is a lot of great young adult fiction out there.

I am trying to figure out what classifies a novel as YA. Is it young main characters, or the publisher saying, "This is appropriate for young readers"?

One of my favorite novels is Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. Ender is a boy, who by the end of the novel, is just a teenager. The book was not published as a YA novel, yet the YA edition of it out sells the "adult" edition. There are no textual differences, just a more cartoon like cover.

Ender's Game is violent in parts. It is a dark story. It has some vulgar language. Yet, it is a successful YA novel.

As I am writing this I realize that a YA novel is a YA novel because the publisher says so. So I guess I figured that out.

So uhh... now I am debating publishing this post. It's not really a well written post. I have some issues with it. Like, how I didn't go into greater detail about the book I read. What was I thinking? Then, I asked a question that I answered in a few paragraphs, and not really to my liking. There is nothing informative in this blog. Other than the fact I named the blog Dumb Stuff I Wrote, which appears to be appropriate. This is some really dumb stuff.

So since this is dumb stuff, and the blog is called Dumb Stuff, I will publish it.

Two questions I had answered by myself in one post. That has got to be a record.

BFTSOB 4: The Worst Blog Since The First Blog

2006-10-27T20:07:00.000-04:00

One of my biggest imaginary fans asked me, "What is the best blog you ever wrote?"

Well that's a tough question. I have written so many blogs, it's hard to pick a favorite.

One of my favorite blogs to write was the one about the small town in Alabama that was completely over run by man eating late night Taco Bell managers.

Then there was the one about "How to Shave All the Animals at Your Local Zoo and Not Get Caught"

Writing blogs is a form of release. I pretend that people actually want to hear what I have to say. We all know that they don't, but that won't stop me. I will write a blog about anything and then swear it is based on actual fact. Just because you tried to hit someone with your car and got away with it, doesn't mean that I wanted you to try it. What were you thinking Fezner? (Just so you know, Fezner is my super fan I made up.)

So, yeah! This blog is the product of me sitting down and writing with nothing particular in mind. This might just be the worst blog to ever written. You must feel so honored to have been here for it. I have a feeling you might have enjoyed reading the results of a 5 year old banging away on the keyboard. So here is a mid-twenties male bang away on the keyboard. I got to give the people what they want.

Signing out,
agiwohoihagw940qq8yb0asjiopvji39q350i 0-[]\p[q-\q0\i

How to Run Someone Over and Not Get Caught

2006-10-26T17:05:00.000-04:00

Drive really fast!

Christian Fiction

2006-10-25T10:23:00.000-04:00

This may not come as a big surprise to you, but christian fiction is not that great.

When I first became a Christian, I didn't read anything but the bible for a year. After deciding that it is OK to read something else, I picked up a few fiction books a the Family Christian Store in Gainesville.

Deadline by Randy Alcorn
and
The Visitation by Frank Peretti

While I enjoyed both of them, but they still lacked something I wanted in my fiction.

Shortly after reading these two books, I bought Heavens Wager by Ted Dekker. A decent work of fiction in its own right, but the prequel When Heaven Weeps was the first Christian book I truly enjoyed whole hearted. It was graphic and challenging, with characters that stuck with me. I had found my new favorite author.

Dekker released great original stories novel after novel. Blessed Child, Blink, and my favorite Thr3e. He also wrote, his most creative fiction series, The Circle Trilogy, which consisted of Black, Red, and White. All of which had great characters, both heroes and villains. Ted usually has a problem with villains, they all seem to be developed in the same manner. His villain have no quality, they are all evil to the bone. They don't deal with an inner struggle over what they are doing. Killing is what they do, and there is no remorse. His villains are never doing what there doing for reasons other than greed and hatred. The Circle Trilogy is the only exception.

But ever since Ted wrote The Circle he seems to be in a slump. Not a slump in the sense of he isn't coming up with good ideas. The problem is in the way he tries to force a Christian message into his stories.

Take his newest novel Saint. The books starts of at a heart pounding pace. The protagonist, Carl, doesn't know who he is, other than that he is an assassin. He is given a mission, that turns out to be a farce, just a training exercise. The woman he thinks is his wife, is not.

As the story unravels the pace quickens, and you find out that Carl is really a character from a previous Dekker novel.

Now you feel like you are in for a wild ride. That is when the book comes to a stop. Now it's time for a good talking to. The message in Saint is about love. Which is fine, I love love. But, it is completely out of place here.

There it is, the problem with Christian fiction. That in the midst of a great story, you have to stop everything and add in a moral, that the reader probably already knows, and disrupts the whole story.

This can be done right, but, I think that your story should come from the moral, don't just throw one in so your christian publisher is happy. When Heaven Weeps was an influential book in my christian development. One of the reasons was because the moral was not forced, the lesson that Ted wanted to teach was in the context of the story. When you have to have an all wise teacher, stop in the middle of the story, and start preaching to the reader, you are doing it wrong. When Jesus told parables, the story was the lesson. None of the characters had to stop and give a sermon. If you have to tell readers what the moral is, then you are not telling the story right.

Come on Ted you can do better!

I will continue to read Dekker, at least for one more book. But, after reading Orson Scott Card, Tim Pratt, and other main stream authors, it is hard for me to settle for sub-par fiction, just so I can read works by Christian authors.

Calling in Sick

2006-10-21T14:09:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a long time. I've had a lot of stuff going on, and didn't have time to get on the computer. But here is the recap in hyperfast instant replay!

In the past 2 weeks I meet my fiancees parents for the first time, got married, and started a new job today.

Wow that was a hyperfast recap!

I am married now, which is way better than not being married. It is good to know that I found the right woman and that I get to be with her forever. Plus, there are certain perks that come with being married. *wink wink*

Any who, at my new job I have access to the Internet, which means more blogs and more slacking off. I can't believe those turds at Publix wanted me to work when I was on the clock. Can you believe the nerve?

It made me want to call in sick! But, I am a honest man and would not call in sick unless it was so. Which gave me an idea. I figured out how to call in sick not be lying!

Lets say that you wake up in the morning and just can't cope with the fact that you have to work. You say to yourself "I wish I was sick and about to vomit, so I could call in sick." Well now you can be that sick whenever you want. Here is how it is done.

Get in your car and drive to you local KFC. Preferably one with the buffet. If they don't have the buffet, be sure to buy some original recipe for quicker more violent results.

But, for those of you who find a KFC with a buffet, you will want to eat from it. Stay around the "chicken" side of the buffet, and avoid the salad. Eat some original recipe, be sure to get some chicken livers too. I would say that two trips to the bar ought to be enough. Just don't go back for thirds, because you just want to call in sick, not get a hospital bill.

At this point you can choose to call in, or better yet, show up at work like your ready to work. While calling in would probably do, nothing is better than to have your employer actually see the sweat pouring down from your face. There is no way your boss can say you are faking after he sees the green hue your skin tone has now become. You may need someone to drive you home because you will have most likely lost most of the feeling in your legs by now.

Well, you did it. You are now home sick. Was it worth it you lazy bastard?

A Typical Post

2006-10-06T09:01:00.000-04:00

I really like writing blogs. There is one problem though. I find it hard to think of stuff to write about week in and week out. Most of the blogs I read with any regularity consist of the authors updating us on the week or day they are having. So here it is, my attempt at a typical post.

Last night was date night. The first one in a while. We went to the Macaroni Grill, and stuffed our selves full of carbohydrates. Correction: I stuffed myself full, my fiancee didn't eat that much, on a count she had a gettin' married party at work and got to eat lots o' cake. Also, before we went to eat we picked out and bought temporary rings. We are planing on giving them to our kids after we get our "real" wedding bands. Oh yeah, and after we have kids of course.

We also got our wedding license this past Wednesday. I felt really good about that.

Just so you know how long it takes me to write a blog, it has now been 15 minutes since I started writing and all I have done is two paragraphs and one sentence excluding this paragraph. That's sad. Maybe once I get married and get my job situation figured out I will be able to think more clearly and write better blogs.

Maybe writing blogs in the morning isn't the best idea. For me, that's kind of like writing a blog when you are drunk.

"Ifin I were a planet that had it's own time zone, I would be Pluto. Oh, wait, that's not a planet anymore. Then if I were a planet made out of butter pecan ice cream I would call myself 'Chester: The Planet made from Butter Pecan Ice Cream'. That would be so awesome. Then I could make up my own laws and have my own butter pecan currency. You could either spend your paycheck or eat it. Hehe. I am so drunk" said intoxicated Fedge.

Well, so maybe writing in the morning is better than writing when your drunk. But, not by much.

It has now been 25 minutes since I started writing and I am done waisting my time on this not so typical post. Again, I feel as if I must apologize to those that are reading it. It was the morning when I wrote this, and my blog is called "Dumb Stuff I Wrote". If that isn't warning enough, then I don't know what is.

You've Got to Flow, Pancreatic Juice

2006-10-03T10:05:00.000-04:00

I still remember the first non-christian music cassette I ever owned. Weird Al Yankovic's Polka Party! I mean who could forget such hits like "Toothless People" and "Living with a Hernia"? Clearly not me!

This past weekend I picked up Straight out of Lynwood the new CD/DVD from Weird Al, and it is everything I expected.

I am one of the biggest Weird Al fans I know. I don't know anyone else that owns all his records. But, I will be the first to admit, he recycles song ideas.

It seem that on every other album he has a song about what is popular on television at the time. "Couch Potato" and "The Brady Bunch" are filled with just references to TV shows. Frankly they aren't really funny. Except for the fact that the Brady theme song sounds really good when sung to the tune of "The Safety Dance".

Each album usually has a "love" song. The songs usually deal with how much he hates the woman he is with, or how much she hates him.

Then he throws in a food song like "Grapefruit Diet" or "Taco Grande".

Then a talk show song like, "Jerry Springer" or "Talk Soup"

There is one idea he keeps rehashing that is always enjoyable though. The polka covers! It doesn't get old, listening to recent hit songs redone polka style.

That being said, Mr. Yankovic also comes up with some new stuff on each album. One of my favorites is on the new CD. It's called "Pancreas". It's a song about, well, his pancreas, and how much he loves all the stuff it does for him. He loves the way it breaks down carbohydrates just for him.

Really, I don't know why I am writing a blog about this. I think it is just because I wanted to call it You've Got to Flow, Pancreatic Juice. I think I also wrote this because I haven't updated my blog in a while, and I feel I have an obligation to my imaginary fans. I do so hate disappointing them.

Two Weeks Notice 2: This Time it's Two Weeks in Advance

2006-09-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

Guess who is getting married in 2 weeks. ME!

Just thought you would like to know.

Who Would Win in a Fight?

2006-09-14T14:51:00.000-04:00

"Who do you think would win in a fight?" is one of the most asked questions ever. I have been in plenty of conversations with my friends about impossible dream match ups. The question is usually not asked about people that we actually know, often it's fictional characters. Like, Neo (The Matrix) vs. Obi Wan Kenobi (If you don't know who Obi Wan is, just move on to another blog).

It seems like such a simple question. You would think someone like me would just say "Neo" and be done with it. But no, I try to rationalize a clear and decisive winner.

Let us expound on the Neo/Kenobi fight.

The first thing I would ask is "Who's world are they fighting in?" Because Neo doesn't know how to use the force in the Star Wars world, and if they are in the Matrix, then there would be no force. So, I would rationalize that Obi Wan Kenobi is in the Matrix and when he uses the force what he is actually doing is manipulating the Matrix.

Now that we have established the venue, so to speak, I would look into the characters themselves.

Neo is from one good movie that people like, and two that everyone hates.

Obi Wan is in 3 movies that stand the test of time (even if you let George Lucas add in musical numbers) and 3 movies that are filled with poor dialog and crap acting.

So Neo has a 66% suck rating while Obi Wan has a 50% suck rating.

I don't really know what this has to do with anything but I will try to work it in somehow.

Now to the Fight

I guess I need to come up with a reason why they are fighting.

Obi Wan is walking around town and catches a glimpse of Neo out of the corner of his eye. Obi Wan recognizes him and taunts him saying "I liked you better in Bill and Ted." So, of course, this pisses Neo right off.

Wow, I'm really stretching it today!

Well, Obi Wan uses his infamous force foot in the ass maneuver. But Neo telegraphs it and attacks back with his Matrix foot square in yo ass maneuver. Both foot in ass maneuvers off-set and we go to a tie breaker.

The tie break is decided by who can eat the most Jello pudding pops.

That is when Neo says "There are no pudding pops." and demands another tie breaker. In the mean time, Obi Wan has consumed 87 pudding pops, sticks and all.

The judges go through 4 more additional attempts at ending this battle with an eating competition. Each ending in the same manner.

Finally, the Judges use the suck factor to decide, and Obi Wan Kenobi is declared the winner. While Obi Wan makes his way sluggishly to the podium to accept his trophy, Neo plants a second foot square in yo ass maneuver that leaves Obi Wan unable to accept his award.

The Judges are speechless. Who should they give the award to? Neo clearly sucks and Obi Wan has a foot in his ass. The judges elect to give the award to the Glove from the Hamburger Helper box.

I hope this finally puts the Obi Wan/Neo debate to rest. So, when someone ask you "Who would win in a fight, Neo or Obi Wan?", you can confidently say "That Glove guy from Hamburger Helper."

Blogging for the Sake of Blogging 3:Blogging with Avengence

2006-09-13T14:47:00.000-04:00

It's a rainy Wednesday, and my ass is damp. "How is your ass damp, Fedge?" you might ask. Well the windows in my brothers car, don't go all the way up. Did I say windows? I meant window. The window on the front seat passenger side. We went to Adam's Ribs to eat lunch, which was great, their collard greens are usually awesome. Anyway, when we left my seat was soaked, and shortly afterwards, so was my butt.

A friend of my dad's business was eating there as well. There was some song on the radio that I don't know anything about. The friend of the business asked my brother if he knew who was singing the song. My reply was "Leonard Zeppelin."

Here at the office we are packing all kinds of crap up to sell. Most of which isn't working, and is covered in a dusty goo. Now that I think of it, I don't think there can be such a thing as a dusty goo. Wouldn't the dust get into the goo? The dust would then be stuck and it couldn't mess up my sinuses. I guess the phones are really covered in a goo that is filled with dust.

Our Secretary got back from Arizona today. She got me a nice shirt that says "Arizona" on it. I have never been to Arizona, but now I can pretend.

Now that I am think of it, I might not have put deodorant on today! Luckily it looks like the only place I will be stinking up before I get a chance to shower is the office. But, it often has a much worse smell coming from it long before I get there.

In conclusion, I really need to think harder before I sit down to write a blog.

What in the Name of Pete Sampras

2006-09-11T11:07:00.000-04:00

That is what I said on Sunday!

The Tampa Bay Bucs got there ass kicked all up and down their own stadium yesterday. "What in the name of Pete Sampras is going on?" This was going to be Simms (QB) year. We didn't make any bad off-season changes that would effect us in such a negative manner, did we? The Ravens were slapping Chris Simms passes all over the field. Our defense did ok, but when your offense puts no points on the board and they allow the defense to return an interception for a touchdown, there is really nothing you can do. I think Simms had 3 INT's.

Even more bad news in my fantasy group. This week I played against Nesto, who is a major Atlanta Falcons fan. His first four draft picks were all Falcons. It is a well known fact that people who draft a lot of players from their favorite team don't do well. That is unless you are playing against me. Vick had a projected score of 6, and he posted 16. His WR Jenkins projected 2 and scored 9. The Atlanta defense projected 8 and posted 15.

All of this while my QB Carson Palmer was projected at 17 and scored -2. NEGATIVE! "What in the name of Pete Sampras?"

Next week doesn't look that great for the TB Bucs. We are on the road in Atlanta. A game that Nesto is going to. We better win because I don't want to feel the wrath of Nesto!

On the upside, in the Survival group I am in (you only pick one team to win, and if they lose you are out) Nesto picked the Bucs as his pick and is out, while myself and my sister are the only ones still alive. My thanks go out to Philly for not blowing their game against the Texans.

Tonight is the Night and Steve Irwin

2006-09-07T17:18:00.000-04:00

Oh the unofficial holiday, how I do enjoy their existence.

Lets see, there is Super Bowl Sunday, Madden Day, and the first game of the NFL season (which happens to be tonight.)

I does not matter who plays, just that they play for a win or a loss that means something. Pre-Season is over, thank goodness, and the Dolphins will play the World Champion Steelers tonight as the NFL makes its return to NBC. It should be a great game. The Dolphins are much improved with Dante Culpepper under center now, it looks like they could be a big playoff contender.

I don't really know what else to say other than, "Hot Damn, I am ready for some football!"

Steve Irwin

As you may or may not know, the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin died on
Monday. There are not a lot of celebrities that I would really be sad
about should they meet a sudden and unexpected demise. I am not saying
that I don't care, but I usually don't concern myself with celebrities.
But, I grew up watching Steve Irwin attacking random reptiles. He is
easily my favorite nature show host. Steve would kickCorwin ass! How do you not like the Croc Hunter? He does all kinds of crazy stuff to entertain you and he will teach you stuff along the way.

I know that most people will say nice stuff about you when you die, but I
really think that Steve was the real deal when he was on TV. I bet he
got just as excited about lunch, as he did when he caught some rare
deadly snake. "Crikey, I love hummus." The other thing is he really
loved the work he was doing. He would risk his life for the animals at
his zoo, and I do not doubt he would do the same for his family. Being
a fan of the Florida Gators, I couldn't get enough of the Croc Hunter tackling Albert the Alligator on ESPN. Steve was over the top, and I loved every minute of it.

I am going to miss watching his show. My prayers are with his family.

Lazy Bones and Subway

2006-08-30T12:29:00.000-04:00

Man I'm a slacker. I take so long to update my blog.

I can't eat at Subway, and I love sandwiches. When I worked in lawn maintenance the Foreman of the crew loved eating veggie subs from Subway. Needless to say we ate there multiple times a week. But that is not really why I can't eat there anymore. It has more to do with the smell that people get on themselves when they leave Subway.

I first noticed it when I was working at the bookstore. There was a Subway near by and my co-workers ate there often. After they took their lunch break, I would be working next to them, that is when I would ask "What is that smell?" It turns out every time someone I worked with ate at Subway, they would have an odor that followed them around, and it wasn't gas.

It got to the point I could tell if someone had eaten at Subway just by the smell they brought with them. I started noticing it in bookstores, library's, and restrooms across the city. The last time I ate at Subway, I had a low-carb wrap. When I left I had that "Eat Fresh" odor on me. That was the last straw. No more Subway for me.

Which leads me to this, unless there are no other sub restaurants in your town, there is no reason to eat at Subway. If you have a Publix, Larry's Giant Sub's, or a Hogan's Heroes near by, you will get a better sandwich and no extra odors.

Get Me to The Office on Time!

2006-08-24T09:44:00.001-04:00

Right now it's 9:35 am in the morning on Thursday. I was told yesterday, by my brother and father, to be at the office by 9:00 am, "So, we can get an early start." Well, here I am, writing a blog with no one around to get me to do work. My brothers not here. My dad is not here. Its just me and my blog hanging out. This is not the first time this has happened. As a matter of fact, I can't recall a time when I was told to be at the office at a certian time, and the people who told me to be there were also on time. But thats O.K. becuase I have recieved 8 or so calls this morning from my brother, dad, and our secretary telling me "I'm on the way", "I'm running a little late", or "I be there in a bit". Yeah! Now, I am finishing this post, and it is 9:44 am, and my dad just pulled in.

Jolt n' Make Cook with the Furnace or Mute Material which I Wrote or Blogging for the Sake of Blogging 2

2006-08-23T11:57:00.000-04:00

Wow long title today.

Just to let everyone know, "Jolt n' Make Cook with the Furnace" is "Shake n' Bake" translated to French translated back to English. Babel Fish is great!

It's raining like a freak today, but the sun is still outside and I'm feeling fine. I get to go on a date tonight with my fiancee, and it's going to be great. I am going to eat some spicy food that will leave my intestines in a jumble. The best part is that I get to go out to eat with a woman who does not care if I spend twenty minutes in the bath room leaving an odor that permeates the strongest of air fresheners.

I also just checked out the new TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) trailer. Oh so sweet. After watching it I realized the genius of doing a Ninja Turtle's Movie in CGI. Now the can make Leonardo do all kind of crazy crap, without the restriction of a heavy turtle outfit.

My A/C is broke in my van and it's unbelievably hot outside. After I get home, I look like I did a butt load of work. When all I really did was make phone calls. Hot mini-van makes me stink as well.

Well, this blog isn't going that great.

In conclusion, uhh... I got nothin'. Have a good day!

Madden NFL 07 and Babel Fish

2006-08-22T14:07:00.000-04:00

Please stop e-mailing me, you imaginary people. I know it has been a week since I blogged for yo ace. So what? I'm busy!

But I'm back now, and just in time for Madden 07.

Usually, the first thing I do with my brand new copy of EA Sports annually pro football release is to play one game against my friend Nesto. He picks the Falcons, I play as the mighty Bucs. When Nesto and I play each other, I normally win 75% of the time. Most of the time by a slim margin.

This year was no exception.

I am getting ahead of myself. If you didn't guess already, Madden release at 12:01 this morning and Nesto was the first one in line to buy our copies. Last night/this morning makes my fourth midnight video game release I have been to (Halo2, NCAA Football 06, NCAA Football 07, and Madden 07.) Last night was by far the most fun I have had at one of these functions. It is a special thing to find a small store filled with video game/NFL dorks. I dorked out for an hour with other fellow Madden fans. That was great fun, but there was a woopin' that needed gettin' done... I think that was the worst sentence I have ever written.

After snatching up our games, we headed over to Nesto's, booted up the XBOX, and fired up the HDTV.

We picked our teams, and we were off.

The Falcons won the coin loss and elected to kick. That's when the Bucs did the unthinkable. They went three and out and punted away to the Falcons. Mike Vick was efficient and scored quickly through the air. After the extra point and ensuing kick-off, the Bucs learned from there first possession, and promptly went 3 and out again. The Falcons scored quickly again, making it 14-0. The Bucs were able to rebound and tie the game up before halftime. You know what? I'm just going to skip ahead, because I'm lazy and you don't really want to read a recap of two dudes playing a video game.

It was the 4th Quarter and the Bucs were down by 3 scores, Falcons had control of the football. Ronde Barber was quiet most of the game until he intercepted a pass that he returned for a touchdown. The Falcons had the ball after the kick-off. Vick made the mistake of throwing it in Barber's direction again, Ronde returned another INT for a TD. The teams were knotted up. Somehow, and I don't remember how, the Bucs scored another touchdown in the forth quarter to take the lead. Not to worry, because Vick came right out and tied it up with a scoring drive of his own. It was time for OT.

Now, I have never had a score like this in Madden, specifically against Nesto, but going in to OT it was 70-70.

The Bucs won the toss and elected to receive. Chris Simms added to his already huge 400 yard game and drove his team down for the winning touchdown. The Bucs retained the title.

Those of you who are still reading, I thank you for humoring me. I know what I wrote today was boring and dumb. But this is "DUMB STUFF I WROTE!" What did you think you were going to get? A Pulitzer Prize winning essay?

BABEL FISH

Babel Fish is a translation tool you can use for free. It is great fun to take a blog and translate it from English to German, then from German back to English. Below is the very same blog you just read, translated in such a fashion.

Stop please e-mail I, you conceited people. I know that it was one week, since I for yo As blogged. So which? I am busy! But I back now am, and straight quite-show to make you 07 moved. Normally annually profuse ball release a play friend Nesto mean approximately to play the first thing, which I do with my brand-new copy I/O of the sport, are. He selects the falcons, I plays as the powerful Bucs out. If Nesto and I play us, I normally win 75% of the time. Most the time by a thin side edge. This year was not an exception. I receive before me. If you not already estimated, make this morning moved for release with 12:01 and Nesto was first in the line to buy to our copies. Last night/this morning forms means fourth midnight video game release, which was I (Halo2, NCAA football 06, NCAA football 07 and make 07.) moved yesterday evening was by far most fun, which I had had with one of these functions. It is a special thing, to a small memory to find filled with videogame/NFL dorks. I dorked one hour long with other companion moved make out fans. That was large fun, but there was woopin ', the necessary getane gettin '... I think, which was the worst sentence, which, I had at all written. After we snatched up our plays, we precede more rueber to Nestos, loaded up the XBOX, and up the HDTV fired. We selected our crews and we were out. The falcons won the coin loss and select, in order to step. That is, when the Bucs did the inconceivable. They went to three and out and stocherten away to the falcons. Mike was efficiently and fast counted by air Vick. After the point of extra and the following Kick off the Bucs learned there from the first possession and went immediately to 3 and out again. The falcons fast again counted, it 14-0 forming. The BucsWAREN in the situation to recoil and the play before half time to bind above. They know, what? I am fair going jumping over in front because I am lazy and you would not like to really read a recapitulation of two Gecken, which played a video game. It was that 4. Quarter one and the Bucs were down by 3 notches, falcons had controlling of the football. Ronde gentleman hairdresser was calm at most of the play, until he intercepted a run, which he returned for a Touchdown. The falcons had the ball after the Kick off. Vick made the error of it in the direction of the gentleman hairdresser again throws, to ronde returned others, which are for a TD INTERNAL. The crews were geknotet above. Somehow and I remember as, did not count the Bucs another Touchdown in far quarters, in order to take the line. Do not worry themselves, because Vick came to the right out and with a counting drive of its bound it above. It was time for OT. Now I never had a notch, as this was going inside, specifically against Nesto moved to make, but, inside to OT, it 70-70. The Bucs won throws and selects, in order to receive. Chris Simms added its already very large 400-Yard-Spiel and drove its crew down for the attractive Touchdown. The Bucs kept the title. Of you, that are calm measured value, I thank you for the giving way I. I white that which I wrote today was boringly and mutely. But this is "MUTE MATERIAL, which I WROTE!" What did you think you were to be received? A Pulitzer Prize attractive attempt?

Totally Dorky Complete

2006-08-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

It's no secret that I am a complete dork total. I like comic book movies and science fiction novels. If you were to ask me about any of the new superhero movies that are coming out in the near future, I could most likely tell you who is directing it, what films that director has made in the past, and who is staring in it. I know a lot of stuff about video games too. I read most of the game reviews that show up on Gamespot.com and IGN.com. I should really find something else to spend my time researching.

I could read up on astro-physics, computer networking, or the anatomy of Shake n' Bake. Does it do me any good to know this stuff about movies? I don't think so, it just makes me look like a complete dork total.

Most of my friends spend hours each week playing World of Warcraft. Then, they feel the need to let me know about all the boring stuff they did in the game. I don't care what level your paladin is. What the hell is a paladin anyway?

A couple of days ago, I was dorking out on the phone with my fiancee. Some how I got on the topic of my favorite video game, NCAA Football 07. I talked about all the stuff you could do in dynasty mode. How when your players graduate you can export them to your hard drive, (memory card if you don't own a XBOX) then draft them in that years copy of MADDEN. I just went on and on. That's when she pointed out to me that I was a dork. It's true, I am the type of guy who stays up till midnight the day before the release of MADDEN just to be one of the first to own a copy. I am a complete dork total. Who am I to make fun of World of Warcraft freaks?

You might find yourself wondering why I use the phrase "complete dork total". Well, that would be a reference to a thirty minute movie that only 7 people have seen (all of which were introduced to the movie by me) called The Blair Thumb.

What you haven't heard of it? I am not surprised.

As you could guess, it is a spoof of the film The Blair Witch. The Blair Thumb was created by a guy named Steve Oedekerk. Oedekerk is, in my opinion, the funniest comedy writer in Hollywood. Only a handful of people share my opinion.

Back to the reference. The three main characters are in a tent in the woods. When out of nowhere they are attacked by a shark. Thats right a shark in the woods. After the incident, Stressy (the girl in the group), tries to explain to Vic and Jish (such an odd name) that it was not a shark. To which Vic replies "It was totally sharky... complete". That is great comedy writing if I have ever heard it.

I mean, I am not even quoting the movie correctly. Totally Dorky Complete? You have to admit that is really lame. I can't hide from it, I am totally dorky complete.

Hitting the Pre-Season Slump

2006-08-11T14:24:00.000-04:00

It happens every year in early August. Pre-Season Football!

As August was approaching, I found myself having, what I would call, a case of football withdrawal. When the season ends in February I get all sad and when the summer rolls around I get the shakes. "What am I going to watch on Sundays?" Lucky for me I met my fiancee this past football season. I was enjoying my time with her so much I forgot about not having football to watch.

But now it is August, and I have started looking into the Bucs rosters. I also started my fantasy football league. Well, needless to say, now I am looking forward to football season. It is just around the corner and I think we (the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) are going to have a great season. Not to mention the fact my fiancee likes football too. I love watching games with her, it just makes football season that much better!

I was really excited yesterday to watch a pre-season game between the Indianapolis Colts and the St. Louis Rams. Around this time of year I will take any football I can get. Except that every year I get reminded that pre-season football is boring.

Indianapolis kicked the ball first. Since pre-season games are meaningless, the Colts decide to kick an onside kick right off the bat (the Colts recovered the football). Peyton Manning only got one series, in which he drove down the field like he was playing against a high school team. But, after that it was a yawning good time. The Colts signed Shaun King this off season and I wanted to see him play, but it was halftime at 10 o'clock. That's my bed time! I don't gots time to watch a football game that nobody cares to win!

I got an idea! Why don't they give the winning team a free ice cream party after a pre-season game? Then they can force the losing team to eat WHATABURGER. I bet the teams would play hard then. I mean eating at WHATABURGER would keep your football team from playing at full strength for weeks.

There are still some teams I would really like to watch this pre-season. I don't know how much of Reggie Bush we are going to see this season. I would love to watch him play in an exhibition game. The same goes for Matt (that quarterback from USC who's name I can't spell) and Vince Young. Of course, a chance to watch the Bucs would be great as well.

Blogging about Blogging

2006-08-10T14:20:00.000-04:00

I haven't been blogging very long, only just a few months. In the months that I have been blogging I've made some observations.

I write my blog through blogger.com. This site offers a much better blog composing system than myspace.com. It is pretty easy for me to get my blog to do what I want it to do. I just have a few little problems.

First, blogger.com will crash on occasion without notice. That is a problem for me. What if I am writing my life story and all of the sudden I can't save or publish my blog? That's when I have to copy and paste it into a word document. Ok, so it is not that big of a deal, easily worked around.

Secondly, not really a problem, more of a funny observation. I am addicted to spell check. I do it all the time. The spell checker on blogger.com is great, it catches all kinds of stuff I don't know how to spell correctly. But, there is one word it keeps telling me that I am spelling wrong. Frankly, blogger.com has no business telling me that the word "blog" is not a word.

"What 'blogging' isn't a word. Well fine blogger.com, that must make blogger not a word. You stupid web site. I hate you. No wait blogger.com, come back I didn't mean it."

Imaginary Audience

If you have read my blog at all you know that I write like I am talking to a large audience. It is not that I have a large group of people read my blog regularly, I just pretend that a lot of people like to read my blog. I imagine them being so disappointed on the days I don't update it. I mean they are so faithful, they write me imaginary e-mails saying "Hey, where is my daily dose of sarcasm and amazing humor."

Then I have to write them back saying "I'm sorry, I find it hard to sit down and write something new everyday, but check back tomorrow."

That's when I get e-mails from people saying "Who are you? I don't read your dumpy blog please stop send me messages like I do."

Yes, I enjoy having so many adoring imaginary readers.

Kid's Movies

2006-08-08T11:09:00.000-04:00

I have been known to enjoy a good kid's movie.

This may come as a shock to most people, but I was once a kid myself. And as a kid I watched a lot of cartoons. When I was under the age of 10 I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Silver Hawks, Thundercats, Transformers, and all other kinds of great cartoons. I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, I even liked the one with Vanilla Ice.

I also enjoyed a great deal of the Disney movies, Sleeping Beauty, Lady and the Tramp, and my favorite Jungle Book.

Well, as it turns out, there is a slew of classic cartoons being remade into movies. The main 2 being Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers. And yes, I have every intention on seeing both of them.

The Ninja Turtles movie is going to be created in CGI. From what I have read online the creators are going back to the roots of the show, back to what made it great in the first place. I am really looking forward to what they are going to do with it.

On the other side, the Transformers movie looks like the makers are taking more of a gritty realistic approach. I would guess the Transformers themselves will be computer animated, but it seems like there will be live action actors. Most likely the real footage, mixed with CGI.

I don't know much more about these two movies right now, but I am believing that said films will bring a stop to the steaming piles of crap that have been coming out of the computer animated kid department as of late.

The last great kid's movie, I believe, was The Incredibles.

Not since then has there been a children's movie worth seeing.

The one saving grace for this summer may just be Monster House. I have read a few reviews, one by Orson Scott Card, all of them say Monster House is the best kid's movie to come along in recent memory. I am excited to see it.

But if you, the pretend faithful reader I have made up in my mind, are wanting to see a great kid's movie that both you and your kids will enjoy. Might I suggest Nanny McPhee? Me and my fiancee have seen it multiple times, and I enjoyed it every time. The kids are well casted, the screenplay is flawless, and the acting is top notch. And since it is not in theatres, you will most likely be watching it on DVD. In that case I would suggest you watch it twice, once as the film was shown in theatres, and once with the director and kids commentary. You won't be sorry.

Terry Bisson

2006-08-07T11:45:00.000-04:00

In June of this year I started reading a lot more short fiction. The reason for this was the start of Orson Scott Card's online short fiction magazine, Intergalactic Medicine Show. It featured great stories from some established authors like David Farland and Card himself. IGMS also had a number of stories from upstart authors as well.

After finishing both issues of Card's magazine, I went in search of other sources of short fiction. I picked up the June 2006 issue of Fantasy & Science Fiction. Most of the stories were barely mediocre, a few gems here or there, but for the most part I was unimpressed with what I was reading.

My next purchase was the July 2006 issue of Asimov's Science Fiction. Asimov's proved to be a better magazine. Two stories stood out. One by an author named Tim Pratt called Impossible Dreams which I talked about in a previous blog, and Nanos Comes to Clifford Falls by Nancy Kress.

After making a trip to the library, I checked out a copy of Masterpieces: The Best Science Fiction of the Century, edited by Orson Scott Card. I didn't read most of the stories because a lot of them were in Future On Fire and Future on Ice, two short story anthologies also edited by Card. Oh by the way, if you didn't know, Orson Scott Card is my favorite author.

The story I did read from Masterpieces was Bears Discover Fire by Terry Bisson. A great story the won the Hugo and Nebula awards for Mr. Bisson. Later, I was looking through a short fiction anthology I bought used about 9 months before and read a Bisson story called Hole in a Hole.

Having enjoyed both of the stories I read from Terry Bisson, I got on Amazon.com, and bought 3 of Bisson's short fiction collections.

Currently, I am two thirds of the way through In The Upper Room and Other Likely Stories. I enjoyed nearly every story in the collection.

On a return trip to the library, I checked out The Pickup Artist by Bisson. Terry creates a future where the classic pieces of art (being film, fiction, paintings, and music) are being destroyed to make way for new artists to create art.

The protaganist becomes attached to a Hank Williams record and tries to find a way to listen to it. While he is doing so he gets caught up in some goverment stuff that I don't care to waist my time writing about. Anyway, Him and this teacher drive cross country running in to about 5 different clones named "Bob", get them selves shot at a bunch of times, and then go driving again.

Yeah, is it as boring as I am trying to make it sound? Good!

So, I made the desision to just read his excellent short fiction... uh... after... I read just one more of his novels called Talking Man.

Besides having some of the worst cover art I have ever seen, Talking Man also has just as thrilling of a story as The Pickup Artist.

So, this guy named Williams goes to a junk yard to get his windshield fixed on his Ford Mustang. Then Talking Man comes out and puts mud on Williams' windshield and the window is magically fixed. Then Talking Man's daughter Chrystal gets shot at, and Williams and her go driving for a long time.

Yep, in Terry Bisson novels there is a lot of driving.

I'm not going to say that I won't read another Terry Bisson novel, chances are I will. I am very loyal to the authors I like. Terry Bisson is a great writer, I just haven't read a good novel from him yet.

Alvin Maker

2006-08-03T14:44:00.000-04:00

Over that past few months I have been reading the Alvin Maker series by Orson Scott Card. The fantasy series spans 7 books, one of which has yet to be released.

Seventh Son
Red Prophet
Prentice Alvin
Alvin Journeyman
Heartfire
The Crystal City
Master Alvin (not yet released)

I didn't read these straight through. I read a few books and short stories in between some of the volumes of the Alvin Maker series. Mainly because I didn't enjoy being stuck in the same world for that long, and me and my fiancee went to the library, and I checked out 4 other books. Plus, I have been reading those silly sci-fi magazines.

The Tales of Alvin Maker series is set in an America where the revolutionary war didn't happen. As you might have guessed, being a fantasy series, magic works in this America. A lot of the magic is wrapped up in gifts that people are born with called "knacks". Mostly "knacks" are really just people being unnaturally skilled at something. Some are great at building things, others have incredible memory, and Alvin Maker can do just about anything.

Alvin is a "Maker", a man who is gifted at making things. His main opposition is in the form of the "Unmaker", who is not really a man, but more of an entity. The Unmaker is the destroyer of all things. When Alvin makes something he sets the Unmaker back in his work for ultimate destruction.

Sounds good, right?

Ok, maybe I don't make it sound that good, but as with most of Cards books, the characters are really well developed. It is hard not to enjoy the world that has been created, and even harder not to relate with all the well drawn characters. Card leaves very few characters unexplored, and it seem as if all of them play some major role in the over all story.

When I was reading the series I found that after Red Prophet, the best of the series, the story slows way down. When Alvin is young he learns some basic things about himself and his knack, and is involved in a war between the Reds and the Whites. After the war he moves to the town of his birth to be come a prentice blacksmith.

From Prentice Alvin to Heartfire, Alvin spends most of his time searching for where to build the Crystal City (a city he saw in a prophecy that he must build), learning how to be a maker, or getting arrested.

If it were not for Card's excellent writing style and his top notch character development, I would have stopped reading it a while ago. Even though I am a little relieved to be done with the series, I am still looking forward to the final installment.

Mistakes

Just a quick note. In my Stealth! Who Needs Stealth? blog, I said that you played as Sam Fisher and a clone of Sam Fisher. Well that was a mistake. You actually play as two other spies that have no names. I don't feel like going back and correcting that blog just I will just tell you here.

It's Time for Fedge to Complain

2006-08-02T11:22:00.000-04:00

"For serious this time" said Fedge.

I am getting all kinds of worn down. I need a break. I'm not talking about a break in the sense of taking time off or away. No, what I need is something to get me set on the right track. Every time I force something, or try to make something happen I get stuck. I simply just can't get the ball rolling.

You are probably wondering what the crap I am talking about.

My Job/Career.

Ever sense I was a kid, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I knew I wanted a wife and kids, and to make good money. But as to how I was going to make that money, I did not know.

Most of my dreams were of me in some sort of entertainment. It might be acting or writing, but something that was along the lines of story telling. I have story ideas, but I just haven't written any of them. I think I am passable as an actor, but I feel I have a lot more ability in voice acting.

I have been doing voices and playing with puppets and toys for a long while. It started on my computer with my sister making little shows with puppets on our PC video camera. I take that back, it started before that.

I remember being in high school playing around with a video recorder making short films. Most of the time it was just fun. But, some of the time I think a lot of the stuff we did was really funny.

This past Sunday I did a skit with a puppet and a friend of mine. It wasn't just for kids church this week. We did it in front of the whole congregation. I have been told that a lot of people there said it was really good. Not only that but I also was in a skit with 3 other guys. My buddy Mark stole that show. Mostly because he dressed up like a girl and wore lipstick.

After church that Sunday I felt really good. I couldn't wait to do it again.

I love doing this stuff, if I could do it professionally I will have found what I wanted to do when I grow up, and that is act like a kid.

Are these just hopeless dreams that everyone has, or is there something to this.

I don't want to be a huge Hollywood actor, I just want to love what I do. Or, at least have a job that gives me time to explore my dreams as possible means of income.

To sum it up, I just want to enjoy my work. I don't want to hate Mondays. If I just dislike them I think I can live with that.

Letter to WHATABURGER

2006-07-27T10:10:00.000-04:00

"'Just like you like it?' More like 'Whether you like it or not!'" said Fedge.

Dear WHATABURGER,

Yesterday, before my lunch break, I was trying to decide where I was going to eat. Normally I go to a local BBQ rib restaurant near my place of work. They make very tasty food, with fast service, and always get my order right. You go Adams Rib Co! But, unfortunately I decided it was time for a change of pace. Me and my Fiancee had been talking about your establishment and how we never heard anything good about it. Except for my Dad, he likes your "Food" as you so laughingly call it. In my ignorance I wanted to give WHATABURGER the benefit of the doubt.

I pulled into your parking lot and walked inside to find an entire little league baseball team in line to order. I should have taken this as a sign from God that I was not supposed to eat there today. In my stubbornness, I got back into my van and went through the drive-thru.

Your employee ask if she could take my order, I said "Yes" in my ignorance. I should have taken this last opportunity and gotten out of this doomed venture and ended the Fedge/WHATABURGER disaster before it happened. My proper response should of been "No you can't take my order. I just wanted to let you know that you are going to cost that little league team a chance at a win by serving them your crappy slop!"

Anyway, I ordered a double meat/double cheese burger, again in my ignorance. Why would anyone want a double portion of WHATABURGER? I mean really! With no tomato/no onion. Then on top it all off, I wanted bacon on my burger.

Ok, so I was asking for it a little.

"Would you like to make that a combo?" she said.

"Hell Yeah! I want some greasy over salted fries!" I replied. I mean, to get the amount of salt that you put on your fries into my system, I could either eat your fries, or drink a bottle of soy sauce. In hind sight, I should have gone for the soy sauce.

I then paid, and was given a bag with, what I thought to be, my order inside.

I drove to find a shady spot to park. I was ready to see what WHATABURGER held for me.

The first thing I notice was how salty the fries were, which I already said were too salty. Then I notice what I got was not a double meat/double cheese, but a double meat/single cheese. Not really a big dea... hey where is my BACON, and... and is that onion all over this soggy bun? Oh great, the lettuce taste like a gym sock.

Just to let you know WHATABURGER, I'm going to tell everyone that your food taste like the Dallas Cowboy's locker room floor.

I have one thing to say to anyone else who may be reading this. Believe the hype WHATABURGER is terrible.

So, WHATABURGER, I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. It just seem that you have a lot of work to do. Your company has been around for over 50 years, and you could not have gotten this far with such terrible service. Please, take this as a constructive criticism and fix your food. At least your food isn't as bad a Krystals.

Regretfully Yours,
--Fedge

Stealth! Who Needs Stealth?

2006-07-25T11:41:00.000-04:00

"Oops! I killed the Vice President!" said Fedge.

Me and my buddy Mark got together to play a little game called Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory. A stealth action espionage game were you play Sam Fisher, a master spy and ping pong player. The point of the game is to sneak around all professional like and complete goals while keeping the casualties to a minimum. They do give you some freedom in how you complete the goals. You can either sneak around, avoid cameras, and crawl through ventilation shafts to complete your mission, OR you can run in and shoot up the place. Needless to say I usually prefer the shoot first method.

There are just a few problems with this technique. One, most everyone on the level has guns, and... They don't think twice about shooting back. For the most part the enemies on this game adopt my "Shoot First" method as well. Two, on occasion there are a few enemies they don't want you to kill. So, that's when you would use the non-lethal attack over the lethal attack.

Splinter Cell also has a Co-Op mode, where one of you plays as Sam Fisher and the other as well... Sam Fisher. Uhh... they could have spent maybe a couple more minutes figuring out how that works. I guess maybe he is a clone.

In the Co-Op mode you can lift you partner up to reach high places, or distract enemies so your clone can pass by undetected. Or... you both could run into the room guns blazing. (wink wink)

In one mission we were running into some embassy to interrogate the Vice President of some country. Well someone, and I'm not saying any names, walk up behind the Vice President of Walla Walla, or where ever he is from, and accidentally pulled the lethal trigger. I didn't mean to, and if you didn't know it's really hard to question a dead Vice President.

Well, that means we had to do the entire level over again. It took us about two and a half hours of playing time to finish the first mission.

I think it is safe to say that I am not cut out for the espionage career. Too many missions for me to screw up. Too many VP could get caught by an inadvertent lethal attack.

Mutant League Poker

2006-07-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

"Ref bashing on the Sixty Winers" said I.C. Nothing.

Have you ever noticed how online poker is free? Yeah so did I. There are a ton of free online poker rooms, all with Texas Hold em' and usually a few other poker variations available. There is never a shortage of people on most of the poker rooms. You can literally get on and be playing in under a minute.

You can go to:

PartyPoker.net
PokerStars.net
BoDog.net
ParadisePoker.net
and my favorite FullTiltPoker.net.

All of which have hundreds, if not thousands, of players online at anytime of day.

So, why would anyone buy a poker video game?

The only reason I can think of is to have the graphics upgrade. The problem with poker video games is that they do not offer anything, other than graphics, that would make me want to purchase a copy.

When you play the free online computer poker games it takes barely anytime at all to get a 18 player game started. While it takes upward of 15 minutes to get a 6 player game started on the XBOX Live version on World Championship Poker.

Well, that put me to thinkin'. What would make a poker video game really worth 50 bucks?

What if you could cheat at a poker game?

What if you could call you opponent a cheater?

What if by calling your opponent a cheater, if he was indeed cheating, you could get in a fist fight with him, maybe even shoot him with a grenade launcher?

What if you could bribe the dealer?

What if you could beat up a dealer who has been bribed?

What if you were playing as zombies?

This is beginning to sound like one of the best games I ever played growing up, Mutant League Football.

In Mutant League Football you could bribe the ref, beat up the ref, and throw dynamite at the other team. All while trying not to step on a land mine on your way to the end zone.

Why, this formula could work for just about any sport.

Try Mutant League Baseball, Mutant League Tennis, or Mutant League Golf.

You could even try it with Sports you hate, Mutant League NASCAR, Mutant League Soccer, or Mutant League Competative Eating.

I would play all of these games.

The only Mutant League game I could think of that would suck is Mutant Leage Chess. I'm sorry but you just can't make chess fun to watch, even with land mines.

Two Weeks Notice

2006-07-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

"Will you marry me?" said Fedge.

"Yes" said Fedge's new fiancee.

As of tomorrow I will have been engaged 2 weeks. That's why I haven't updated my blog lately. But can you blame me? I didn't think so.

It's true, planning a wedding is a lot of work. All of the people in my life who told me that over the years were not pooping around the bush.

But, being engaged is great. I love having a fiancee. I love watching her show the ring off as she smiles real big. It makes me feel really great. When she said "Yes" it was the greatest feeling I can ever remember having. Joy and relief all rolled in to one. Now that she has said "Yes", I have asked her to marry me a couple more times. It's not as nerve racking the second and third time around.

It 's My Birthday

That's right, today is my birthday and I am at work. I am going out to dinner tonight with some friends and my fiance (saying that just doesn't get old). I am going to get a margarita and a burrito (not a shake n' bake burrito).

Not Reeve, Not Nicholson

2006-07-07T08:04:00.000-04:00

"This is not really a review" said Fedge.

First off, Superman Returns is great. You will enjoy it, maybe. If you were a fan of the first two movies and not the last two Reeves movies, then you will be happy to know that Superman Returns ignores Superman 3 and Superman 4. The first clue of this is when you realize that Lois Lane has no idea that Superman is Clark Kent. Once you get over this small speed bump you will be ready to enjoy Superman Returns... maybe.

You see, every review I have read so far has one thing in common. "Routh is no Reeve." I am so glad every movie critic was there to remind me of this. I forgot completely that Christopher Reeve passed away. That's sarcasm if you didn't know.

We all know that Brandon Routh is not the same dude who was in the original films. If you go into the movie looking for an actor to do his best impression of Christopher Reeve, then you will be disappointed. But if you are looking for an actor to do his best impression of Superman/Clark Kent, then you are in for a treat. Routh is great at playing Superman and even better at playing Clark Kent. He plays Clark Kent like none other, that's right better than Chris.

Kate Bosworth is just as bad a playing Lois Lane as Margot Kidder was by the way.

Kevin Spacey is, as I suspected, perfect as Lex Luthor.

But, this is not really meant to be a review so to speak. What I really want to say is this. Why do movie critics compare Routh to Reeve? Routh is not playing Reeve, he is playing Superman. It seems everyone who loves the original Superman films will not except another actor playing Superman. Even if he is better suited for the role. There are some who may compare Gene Hackman to Kevin Spacey. In my mind there really is no competition. Spacey makes a better Lex Luthor. Spacey does not make a great Gene Hackman, and that's good, because he is playing Lex. I hope I am making my point clear.

Which leads me to Batman Begins 2 , which will most likely not be the title of the movie.

Joker is slated to be the villian in the next Batman movie. The Joker is by far my favorite comic book character. As most of us know the last theatrical portral of the Joker was played by Jack Nicholson. And while I agree it will be hard for someone to play the Joker better than Nicholson, I am not going to close minded about another actor in the role. The Joker can still be done better. I don't know how or by whom, but there is still room for improvment. I don't plan on going into the movie to compare the two actors. I just want to see how well the actor playing the Joker, plays the Joker.

Proper Training

2006-06-19T10:50:00.000-04:00

"Meow, I'm a cat" said Styrafoam.

I am picky with my books, real picky. Not just with the stories they contain or the writing style of the author. I am very finicky about buying a new book. I want the cover to be in pristine condition, no dents, no bends, and no rips. Also (here is where it gets weird) I am picky in the way a book smells. That's right smells! I can tell you the publisher of the books I read just by the smell alone. I know you are jealous, but its a gift.

That being said my sister has a cat. Not just any cat, but the most insane cat in the 48 continental United States (I here there is a cat in Alaska who is much more crazy). It is not strange for a cat to nip at you when you are petting or rough housing with it. This is even more true with young cats like my sisters. Young cats tend to bite hard. One time I was sitting on my couch petting "Kitty Lumpkens" and he nipped at me pretty good, nearly breaking the skin. So, I gave him a loving tap on the bum to let him know that I don't welcome his nips. He jumped from my lap over to my coffee table. That's when the unthinkable happened. Lumpkens turned around, and started creeping ever so slowly closer to me. He worked his way up to my lap, looking very cute. I thought he was coming over to say he was sorry. I could not have been more wrong. Just when Lumpkens was looking his cutest, he leaped at me and sunk his teeth in to my FACE! MY FACE! Do you see how this could be a problem?

My sisters cat loves to drink out of other peoples water glasses. He also has a tendency to knock them over and spill the contents over everything in a two foot radius. On more than one occasion he as spilled water over a few of my books sitting on my coffee table. This may not be a big deal to you, but to me its like he is ruining my books. Someone somewhere taught their cat how to drink out of a glass the proper way. Look at the good kitty. He is a good boy drinking all by hims little self. I have an offer to make to the owner of this cat. If you are willing to trade you well behaved, child safe, kitty for an insane, most likely drug influenced, cat let me know.

Six months!

Today is my sixth month anniversary with my girlfriend. She is the only one who reads this blog and is endlessly encouraging to me and my writing, what little writing I have actually done. Tonight we are going our favorite restaurant and celebrating. I love you babe.

Expectations and Disappointment

2006-06-15T15:06:00.000-04:00

"No quote for you!" said Fedge.

Next week the newest of superhero movies comes out, Superman Returns. I have very high expectations for Brian Singer's latest film. I MEAN BIG! If you have read my blog you know that I really liked the last X-Men movie. While most of the professional critics ripped the film apart with true statements about real issues that the film actually had. I agreed with most of thier comments, but I still enjoyed it none the less. The reason was because my expectations were so low. Allow me to illustrate using MS Paint!

I would put my expectations for X-Men 3 at 6. What I got was an 7. A six means I think the movie won't be very good but I will enjoy it none the less. A 7 means that the movie was good. I went in expecting a 6, got a 7, and there for it felt like an 8. Get it? Yeah, neither do I.

But I digress. What I am expecting from Superman Returns is a 9. Pretty lofty. So the only way that I will leave the theatre satisfied is if I get a nine or a ten.

Now you may ask the question, "Why don't you just go in to every movie expecting a one? Then you will like almost every movie you see!" You answered you own question. I went to see Doom. The film adaptation of a gory video game. I expected a 4 and got a 3. Needless to say I was disappointed. Do you realize how embarrassing it would be to tell everyone I know that I liked Doom? I can see it now.

"Hey Jeff, what did you think of Blade 7?"

"Oh I loved it, I like how they picked Chris Tucker to fill in for Wesley Snipes as Blade!"

Or...

"Yo Jeffro, How did you feel about Stay?"

"I really enjoyed how they made it so you couldn't follow the story."

or even...

"Hey J, I just saw Teletubbies take on the Nazi's in 3-D! I know you had to like that!"

"YEAH! Hitler never saw Tinkie Winkie coming!"

Do you see how this could become a problem? If I said every movie was good, then no one would respect my opinion on a movie. Not that they do now. Although, that Teletubbies/Nazi movie does sound pretty good.

We Got the DS Goin' Nuts! and more...

2006-06-09T09:37:00.000-04:00

"Eat that you dirty turd burglar!" said Fedge.

Yesterday, I spent the evening with Scott and Raf playing Nintendo DS. Not a big deal you say. I beg to differ, I bought the DS when it came out in 2004. I have only once before yesterday played any multi-player that was not through Nintendo WI-FI. Don't get me wrong it is fun to play over the internet, but when I throw down on Tetris, Mario Kart, and Bomberman, I want to talk some trash. Unfortunately, you can't talk trash over Nintendo WI-FI.

It was so nice to tell Scott to "Stick it!" when I dropped the bomb that killed him in Bomberman. Don't worry though it was all in good fun, when I talk trash all I am doing is enjoying playing with good friends. I am never trying to hurt anyone's feelings. If it makes you feel better Scott told me that I suck a few times last night.

Scott's buddy Richie came over (who is planning on getting a DS Lite when it comes out) as well as Brian, who bought a DS that night.

Yes, people are starting to listen when I say that the Nintendo DS is great. The DS fever is spreading faster than an airborne case of diarrhea. I don't really know what that means but I am sure it is good.

Perfect Cast: Part II

I forgot to mention a few perfect Superhero/Villain castings... so here we go.

Ioan Gruffudd/Mr. Fantastic
I don't know who he is, I have never heard of him before Fantastic Four. The thing is that he is a dead ringer for Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic.

Colin Farrell/Bulls Eye
Bulls Eye was the best part of the Daredevil movie. I don't really have anything else good to say about Daredevil!

I know that most movie fans didn't like either Fantastic Four or Daredevil, but there were good parts to both films, and while we will most likely not see a sequel to Daredevil a Fantastic Four sequel is in the works. WOOT!

I am in a Band!
I just to let you know that you can check out our music at myspace.com/thestyleofstyrafoam.
I think most people who read this blog already know about us and how awesome we are.

Blogging for the Sake of Blogging

2006-06-05T15:24:00.000-04:00

"Don't bother, it's a real yawner today" said Fedge.

Right now it is mid-afternoon and I am not doing much at the moment. Just thought I would update my blog that way it doesn't look like I am lazy.

I have been reading the July 2006 issue of Asimov's Science Fiction. You should go to your local bookstore, pick it up, and read Impossible Dreams right there in the store. It's not very long and really well written. It's also a good story if you like movies. There is an alternate reality where Enders Game is already a movie directed by Ron Howard. That alone gave me the willies.

My friend Scott just got a Nintendo DS. Too bad he is going to Atlanta till Thursday. I was ready to school him at some Mario Kart.

I also just read on filmforce.ign.com that The Silver Surfer was going to be in the next Fantastic Four movie. That was pretty awesome.

I am going to start reading House (not based on the TV show about the doctor) by Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti. A book my sister described as a SCI-FI channel movie meets a competitive eating contest, so I am looking forward to that one.

I guess that's it.

In conclusion you should go do something more important than read this blog.

X-3

2006-05-30T13:35:00.000-04:00

"Intense" said Fedge's sister.

The X-Men fans of America have now been split up into two groups of people. Those that hate X-3 for not going by any formula that can be found in the comics and those that love X-3 for being completely unpredictable.

Brett Ratner is not as good as a director as Brian Singer. The acting by the second rate characters is not as good as the previous movies. The music is not as good as the previous movies. The fact remains that the story in X-3 is better than any story in any super hero movie to date. Why? Because about half way through X-3 you realize that your precious little comic book heroes are not safe. X-3 separates its self from the comic books by telling the story it wants to tell. I have heard of fans ripping on the movie saying "It is not true to the comics." That is what is so great about it. I had no idea what was going to happen. I didn't feel safe thinking that they couldn't do this or couldn't do that.

The movie definitely has its issues. All the new characters except Beast are poorly developed. You see very little of Angel, Juggernaught, and Multiple Man. There is a good bit of Shadowcat, but not enough to really feel like the character is done as well as possible.

Then there is the dialog. Two parts of the film come to mind. When Xavier is explaining how Jean Grey survived what happened at the end of X-2 and Wolverines inspiring pep rally right before the final battle. I am reminded of Star Wars Episode 3.

The story is so good that even with all the bad things about the movie, X-3 still shines bright. If this is the last of the X-Men movies then I am very happy with what has been given to us. It helps that I went into X-3 with the lowest of expections.

A Perfect Cast

2006-05-24T13:37:00.000-04:00

"I would make a great Wonder Woman!" said Fedge.

With X-3 coming out on Friday, I got to thinking about the perfect cast from previous superhero movies. A perfect cast to me is when you find the one person who can play a certain character better than anyone else. Lets begin with the X-Men Movies.

First is the no brainer.

Patrick Stewart/Professor Xavier:
I was thinking when I was 11 that there was no one better to play Xavier than Captian Picard. I mean the bald head, the well educated speech, and the fact that he looks just like Xavier. Again NO BRAINER!

Alan Cumming/Nightcrawler:
There might be someone else out there that could have played Nightcrawler, but no one I know of. Its just to bad he is not in X-3

Even though I haven't seen it yet I'm just going to say it,
Kelsey Grammer/Beast
Since no one really looks the part, it is easier to take liberties with who you cast to play Beast, all you really need to worry about is how he speaks, and Grammer is exactly who I would cast.

Moving on now to Spiderman.

Alfred Molina/Doc Ock
I mean just look at the guy! He talks like Doc Ock, he walks like Doc Ock, and he... uh... chews his steak... like Doc Ock.

J.K. Simmons/J. Jonah Jameson
I will never see Simmons act again and not think J.J.J.

Now Batman

Jack Nicholson/Joker
I don't think I even need to say anything else.

That is the only perfect casting from the Tim Burton/Joel Poo Maker era.

Christopher Nolan directed one Batman film so far and in doing so out casted them all.

Michael Caine/Alfred
I am a little biased, because Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is one of my favorite movies ever. That and Michael Caine can deliver a bad line like "Why do we fall down? So we can pick our selves up." better than anyone else.

Liam Neeson/Ra's Al Ghul
They didn't fool me. I knew Ducard was Ra's, just because Neeson looks the part.

Cillian Murphy/Scarecrow
Murphy plays dark and pompous as well has Cillian, plus he looks like Dr. Crane.

Christian Bale is the best batman yet, buy I wouldn't say he is perfect. Still, he is pretty close.