A Return to Arms

Hey there,

Remember me. Yeah, I'm the guy who used to write a blog called Dumb Stuff I Wrote. Now I sit on my ass and play video games. How cool it that? Instead of doing something productive I decided not do anything.

OK, I am being a little hard on myself. Don't get me wrong, there is still no excuse for not blogging. I did have time, but I just got out of the habit. It is a good habit to have. Especially for someone who would like to write for a living someday.

I couple of things could be a cause to my distraction. I got promoted at work, and my wife had a change in job, therein changing the landscape of my life, causing my lack of blogging.

But here's to starting a new/old habit.

Two things could be the reason for starting to write again.

1. I like to do it.

2.James Maxey, who's blog you can find on my links, mentioned this blog in his acknowledgments in the book Dragonforge.

Now the latter is the tipping point. I just needed a reason to start again.

Hopefully my absences will result in a wealth of things to blog about. As opposed to writing about the first thing that comes to mind.

Hoping that I post again this week,

-Jeff (J-Diggy aka Norton G)

P.S. Seeing his pseudonym in print made me realize how ridiculous it is. But, it made it impossible for me to think the mention in James Maxey's book was for anyone else.

Pinky Toe the Size of My Face

Ok, maybe not the size of my face. But last night when I took my dog out so she could do her business, I stubbed my pinky toe on a basket filled with DVD's.

It hurt so bad I was nearly in tears. Keep in mind that this was at 1 o'clock in the morning. So my dog was going crazy jumping all over the bed and running around. My cat wasn't helping by sleeping on my sore food. I thought I broke it last night. It seems to be doing much better now. I still walk with a limp. I wish I was a pirate.

You know... because I wouldn't look like a dork with a limp. I'd look like a pirate... Nevermind, dumb idea.

Best of 2007

Start the year off right, with a post.

Last year I did a list of the best books, music, and movies. I am going to do things a little bit different this year. I am going to do best of 07, "Dumb Stuff" style! What I mean by that is, there will be weird categories, like Best Prank Call. Also, if I do a best of 2007 movie or book, it doesn't unnecessarily mean that said movie or book came out in 07, it just took me to 07 to get to it. Let's begin.

Best Movie

Without question, Pan's Labyrinth. Dark, violent, and satisfying. Not because it was dark or violent, but because it was a perfectly told story. It was dark where it needed to be. It was violent where it needed to be. It was brilliantly acted. It stayed with me long after I finish watching it. Great movie.

Best CD

The Reminder by Feist. Not to toot my own horn... well actually, to toot my own horn, I was listening to Feist long before she did that iPod commercial. Granted her last album was no where near as good as this one. There are a few songs that suck, like Sea Lion, but for the most part the album is wonderful.

Worst Book Concepts

Manliness books. Books written by dudes that think it is manly to act like a moron. I forgot the title of the book, but it was something to the effect of The Handbook to Manliness. It features illustrated instructions on how to properly punch another man in the balls, head butt a woman in the breast, and how to grope a random woman at a concert. Classy stuff. If I saw a dude randomly groping unsuspecting women, I would use the punch in the balls techniques on dude.

Best Video Game

NHL 08. The best sports game in years! Flawless in gameplay, great graphics, and tons of play modes. The only not perfect thing about this game is the presentation. But as long as the game plays great, I not be carin'.

Best Prank Call

Normally when I prank call a friend, I assume that they will know it is me right away. So, I usually go for funny over actually trying to trick them into thinking it is real.

Enter Jason, a new friend from work.

We both work together and we both have voice mail at work. A recipe of awesome.

I was at the house one evening when I had this great idea for a prank call. I called him, again, totally assuming that I would be busted as soon as I started speaking, and left a voice mail for him. I did a Kip from Napoleon Dynamite voice for this one.

It went a little something like this.

Yes Jason, this is Felix. I called you last week about setting up an account with you. We had a good talk. I told you that I liked figure skating and you said you liked it too. I told you my favorite skater was Michelle Kwan, and you said your was Danny Bonaduce. I thought this was cool and you sold me some stuff.

Well come to find out, after doing some research on your favorite skater, I found out the Danny Bonaduce was an actor on the Partridge Family. So you lied to me!

Now usually when I make a prank call, if my cover isn't blow right from the get, it gets blown when I mention Danny Bonaduce. Anyway, he didn't know it was be until the very end. After a good laugh we did that only thing left to do. Play it for out supervisors and pretend it was real. They both bought it. It was great.

Last on Board Award...

...goes to me finally reading Harry Potter. Well not reading technically. I did check out the audio books from the library and listen to them on a few trips we took this year. Yes they are great, but I am not hooked like other people. I have gone through the first six books. I am waiting for the library to get the last book back in. If I were truly hooked I would have read my wifes copy of the last book by now.

Best Dump

June 16 at 6:15pm. Amazing!

Worst Months for Blogging

September and December: Zero Post.

Best Book

I said it last year, I don't really read books in the year they come out. That being said, I don't know what the best book I read was this year. So, here are some highlights.

Knight Life by Peter David
War of Gifts by Orson Scott Card
Tears of Artamon Trilogy by Sarah Ash
Last Colony by John Scalzi

Ok, that's it. I going to bed. Happy New Year.

Any Old Thing

Just to prove to you Dumb Stuff addicts that I am really back. I thought I would just write about the first thing that comes to my mind. We all know how dangerous that can be.

Watching the NHL!

I know it's like me and three other people watching, but it's still really fun. I also shelled out the money to get the NHL Center Ice package that gives me all the games. Let's face it, VS. airs about two games a week, and NBC airs about two games all season. So the only way I can get some games is to pay for it. Last season NBC cut away from a playoff game that was going to overtime, just to go to horse racing pregame. That's bullshonkey!

Bullshonkey!

Bullshonkey is my new curse word. Feel free to use it as much as you want. I want to see it in the dictionary. I also want to see kids get detention for using it. How awesome would it be to be the guy who coined a new curse word.

Not Going to the Theater

I haven't really gone to the movies in a while. The last movie I saw in a theater was Transformers, and that was in the dollar theater.

I have been watching movies on DVD.

Blades of Glory Sucked!

Pan's Labyrinth was awesome, but may be an acquired taste. Very violent and weird.

Office Season 3 is, as always, great.

Well, that's it for me... so go away. It may be another month before I post.

For being a random post, I think you got off easy.

Where the hell were you?

Dumb Stuff I Wrote: So, what is your malfuntion?

Norton G: What do you mean?

DSIW: You have not posted in more than a month. Where the hell were you?

NG: I was... doing stuff. I went on vacation, went to the book sale, and ate salmon. What were you up to?

DSIW: Well, let me think ass face. I sat on my butt and watched the same damn Flight of the Concords videos over and over. It was really... amazing. Thank you for abandoning me for a month with nothing but your poor taste in television programs to entertain myself with. THANKS!

NG: No Problem.

DSIW: That was sarcasm, you festering ball of dog snot.

NG: Hey, that reminds me Dumb Stuff, we got at cat!

DSIW: Oh... Sweet! When did you get him?

NG: About a month ago.

DSIW: $#*! A month ago. What the hell? You didn't even post a picture. That's what I am here for. TO POST CRAP LIKE THAT!

NG: Sorry. I have some pics I can upload.

DSIW: A bit late now crack head.

NG: How can I make this up to you?

DSIW: Well, posting would be a start. Update that currently reading thing. Finish it up with not being an idiot.

NG: I can to 2 out of 3.

DSIW: I guess you make being a moron... charming. Just post a picture of that cat and we will call it even.

NG: How about my new cat, Oliver, riding my older cat, Isaac?

DSIW: Perfect.

It's Not Like There is Nothing to Talk About!

I am just too lazy to say anything.

First off, we have a new cat, on accident. It was 10pm and my neighbor comes over and rings the door bell. He is standing there with the tiniest kitten I have seen.

"Did you lose something?"

"No, that's not my cat, but let me show my wife."

"OK, here is the cat, bye!"

So there you go. We have a new cat.

Fantasy football is back, and my draft is on Thursday, which is awesome. Gator football starts Saturday, and the pros kick-off in about a week. Life is good. Now if the endless baseball season would finish up everything would be dandy.

Birthday Post

Being that today is my birthday and I haven't posted in a while, I thought it would be a good time to post something.

So... here is more FOTC. I'm too lazy to think of stuff to say.

PUPdate

Well, we have had the old girl for a few days now. It has been a few days since she has pooped in her crate. It has been a few days since I have had a good nights rest.

She still barks through most of the night, but yesterday she went to the vet. We got some tranquilizers. Not is blow dart form. Bet I could have some fun with those when I teach kids church. They seem to zonk her for half of the night. She pees almost every time she is in her crate. I am starting to realize just how little work cats are. You just potty train then, tell them not to scratch every thing in the house and you are done.

If I tell people what the dog is putting me through they say, "She's just preparing you for parenthood."

Kids, let me tell you this now. I know your parents probably tell you this every time you ask for a puppy, but let me reassure you. Puppies are a lot of work and responsibility. We walk our dog nearly every hour. We get up at three in the morning to walk her so she won't poop in her crate. Tons of responsibility.

Part of the reason she went to the vet yesterday was because her sutures were coming undone and the cut on her belly where they did the neutering was gaping. Even worse, it was infected and they had to cut a lot of the flesh around the wound out and restitch it back up. So now she is groggy again. On top of that there is something wrong with her eye. We have to keep putting goop in it. She loves that.

I love this puppy, and I love sleep. I look forward to the day when I can enjoy both equally.

Hummna Hummna Hummna PUPPY!

This fine specimen is a female, part Labrador, part Leopard Hound. She is eight weeks old, and she is pissing off our cats, cause we just brought her home to live with us.

It's a good thing she is so cute, because she kept us up half the night last night. She also pissed on the carpet twice this morning. Her name is Georgiana, or Georgie, or Gigi.

Welcome home Georgie, now we got some work to do.

A Quick Word About Growing Older Terminology

What would happen if you, being a male, asked your male friend if he wanted to have a "sleep over?" My guess, assuming that you both are straight, you would be punched in the mouth.

"Hey dude, I just got Halo 14, you should come over and hang out!"

"Awesome! We could have a sleep over."

"Nevermind, I think I have to go... cheese shopping."

Oh, that didn't go so well. Let's try that again, with some different terminology.

"Hey dude, I just got Halo 14, you should come over and hang out!"

"Awesome! Hey would it be cool if I crashed at your place."

"Hell yeah man, we'll be pwning newbs all night long."

Ah, much better.

On a side note, how long do you think it will be before pwned is in the dictionary?

Swan, Tip, and Slash!

It started off like any other trip to the grocery store. We went up and down the isles picking out our items while looking around for free samples. Once the cart had enough weight in the basket, I started to ride the cart. I was weaving in and out of the isles. Gracefully knocking over the well organized displays. The casualties were at an all time low. My wife was complementing the easy with which I glided around the store.

We left the store, cart full of food. As we left, I approached the downhill ramp that lead out of the store. I looked left and looked right, then I rode down the ramp. One of my little brothers friends just happened to be around. He was so jealous of my skills.

We unloaded the cart. I was feeling pretty high. So I took one last ride on the cart. I was in the middle of my patented Swan Float (thats when you have just hands on the cart, no feet), when I realized that there wasn't anymore weight in the cart. The front of the cart jumped up, I fell to the ground, and the cart crashed with a loud clatter.

My pride wounded, I got up and dusted my self off. "Get in the car honey, lets get out of here."

Nearly the entire ride home, my wife laughed at me busting my ass. My elbow and my knee are both lightly skinned, but the big thing was there was an old lady and her granddaughter looking right at me when I fell.

You'd think a fall like this might discourage me. You'd be wrong.

I am reminded of Lance Armstrong and his little yellow bracelets. Now I am inspired. I have got to get back on that horse/racing bike/shopping cart. If Lance can come back, than I can get up from this mess and make something of myself.

I will make a come back! You'll see!

Letter to my Mini-Van

Dear Mini-Van,

We have known each other a while now. We have been through a lot. You remember that time I ran over a curb and blew out that tire? That was awesome! Oh, the laughs we shared over that. I know you aren't the best looking van on the block. But, that never bothered me. I always ignored the glares from people wondering why some dude with wild hair is driving a beat up Mini-Van. I was just glad you got me from A to B. I'm proud of you.

Well, today you only got me to A and a half. Not that I am complaining, I know I haven't changed the oil in like 8 months. Needless to say I am thinking of moving on. Now you can retire in a Mini-Van retirement home. You can hit on all the Mini-Coopers that are way our of you league. Maybe your next owner will change the oil. I bet you'd like that.

Let's face it, your brakes are going, your timing chain is about to go, and you ain't got no A/C. We knew this was coming. I imagine I may drive you a few more times, but hey you had a good run. Now your going to be scrapped and parted out. Think of it this way, your sort of like an organ donor! How honorable of you.

Oh well take it easy,
--Norton G.

Worst Best Man Toast Ever!

I was the best man in a wedding today for the first time in my life. As far as the wedding goes it's easy stuff. Just stand there and give the pastor the ring, then smile like it wasn't you that just farted.

Then there is the matter of the toast.

My wife warned me, "Honey, you need to think about what you are going to say when you get up there."

"Naw, I can ad lib."

I got up in front of the mic, looked out to the crowd, and my mind said, "I got nothin!"

I was trying to say something to the tune of "put your wifes needs before your own." Which I did say. But, the statement I used when referring to "putting your wifes needs before your own", was "Doing it." So the speech sounded a lot more like this:

"When you do it, do it to your wife first. Because when you do it to your wife and your wife does it to you, you both get done. When your wife does it to you, don't forget her needs, do it back to her. Me and my wife do it all the time, and we love it. The feeling you will get can only come from one place, and that's when you do it together. So, don't not do it, it's better when you do it."

I hang my head in shame.

All Kinds Of Stuff

I would like to apologize first off for the lack of blogging goodness. It has been a weird month. Plus, I have been watching 24, and that just means it's very difficult to get around to blogging.

Job

I got a new job... again. This time I think it is a good one. I will be sitting on my sweet cheeks and answering phones to talk people into buy stuff. It finally happened, I am a salesman. No, I am not a telemarketer, so just calm down.

I will be only fielding unsolicited calls. To those of you I will be talking to in a couple of weeks, I promise to do my job, without annoying the crap out of you.

I went to the companies job fair to get an interview. Little did I know that they would be testing me.

They gave me a personality test, which they say you can't fail. But, if it look like you fit the personality of an ass, you failed.

Then they gave me a vocabulary and math test. I did well on the vocab, but the math test was timed, and they took away my calculator. This is the year 2007, who uses their brain for math anymore? They gave me 3 minutes to do 40 problems, I got through 4. I HATE MATH!

Luckily, that didn't stop them from hiring me after my amazing interview. 5 minutes in a room with me, who could resist my charm and charisma?

Little Miss Sunshine

My wife borrowed a copy of Little Miss Sunshine from a work associate a few days ago. She knew I was going to try to rent it from Netflix.

It's hard for me to think of all the movies I saw that came out in the year 2006, but I think I can safely say, this was the best.

Hard Science Fiction

I love Sci-fi novels. On occasion, I enjoy a fantasy novel. I have always said, I hate Hard SF. I started reading a book by Jack McDevitt called Deepsix. It is Hard SF, but it is great! (so far)

I am starting to wonder if my problem isn't hard SF stories, by hard SF writers. My biggest problem with hard SF is that the writers are way too heady. They use big words, that I don't care to learn. I don't want to read about a bunch of scientist doing math. I HATE MATH!

About a month ago, I was talking to my friend, Shane, about fiction books. I told him, "I just don't like the hard sf."

He reminded me that Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card was hard SF.

Speaker is one of my favorite books, not because of the hard SF elements, but because of the incredibly well written characters. The story centers around a dysfunctional family. I remembered that most of the members of that family were scientist. I came to the realization that scientist are people too, and Jack McDevitt knows it too.

That's why I am enjoying Deepsix. I love SF, but if the characters aren't well drawn, then I have a hard time reading it.

I Will Try to Spare You

I feel like blogging. I just can't think of anything to sit down and write about.

Usually when I get like this, I end up writing something I regret.

So here are just some quick observations by me,

• I like the show 24.
• The weather here is weird.
  
• Sleep is great, I try to do it once a day.
• "Stool" is a weird word for poop.

There, I blogged and nobody got hurt.

Loss

I am not going to say much, other than we lost our cat Thursday morning. He had a heart attack and died in his sleep.

We miss him, but at least he is not in pain anymore.

Quick Rapid Fire Updates Aimed at Your Head!

• Christmas was good.
• Our cat is sick, pray for him.
• We got a new king size bed!
• For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep before midnight on New Years Eve.
• I have no visible rashes.
• I won my fantasy football league.

That's it. Hope your face is OK!

On The Air and Sales People

Today was the store's official grand re-opening. We had a local radio station do a remote from the store. The manager and owner did an on air interview with the DJ. I was also interviewed.

The manager and the owner were both very professional and I was a total moron.

I had my DJ voice on. I was talking like a salesman, "We are stepping it up today, with big sales on music and books! So, come on down here and sign up for our card and get 10% off everything in the store."

Come to find out, I am going to be on the radio once a month. Doing what you ask? I will be telling people about new releases and trying to sell them stuff. I hope I can tone it down so I don't sound like an ass. I am not really a salesman, but I could easily become one if I am not careful.

My dad was a salesman, and I know how to act friendly to people. But, that's not who I want to be. I just want to be a genuine guy, who is real with people. I don't like being that over the top sales dude. I would rather be the guy who is trying to sell you something because I think you really would like it. I want to be nice to people because I am a nice person, not because I want to meet a quota.

When me and my wife were shopping for rings, we had some turd going all salesman on us. After we left, we both said we didn't want to give them our business. Just tell us what you have, and we will make our own decision. Don't pretend to be my buddy either, because all you really want is my money. You don't really like me, you didn't invite me to any barbecue's you had at your house. We haven't know each other for years, so stop acting like we are friends.

Sorry, but salespeople frustrate me. That's why becoming one scares me.

Poor Guy

I had the experience of taking a diabetic cat to the vet today, because he was having seizures.

It was very traumatizing for myself and my wife. Its one of those things, where you don't really know how much you enjoy having a cat around, until he is not around. We went back to the house briefly after word to calm down, and it was weird having the two cats there without him.

He is going to be OK and he is coming home tonight.

Calling in Sick

I haven't posted in a long time. I've had a lot of stuff going on, and didn't have time to get on the computer. But here is the recap in hyperfast instant replay!

In the past 2 weeks I meet my fiancees parents for the first time, got married, and started a new job today.

Wow that was a hyperfast recap!

I am married now, which is way better than not being married. It is good to know that I found the right woman and that I get to be with her forever. Plus, there are certain perks that come with being married. *wink wink*

Any who, at my new job I have access to the Internet, which means more blogs and more slacking off. I can't believe those turds at Publix wanted me to work when I was on the clock. Can you believe the nerve?

It made me want to call in sick! But, I am a honest man and would not call in sick unless it was so. Which gave me an idea. I figured out how to call in sick not be lying!

Lets say that you wake up in the morning and just can't cope with the fact that you have to work. You say to yourself "I wish I was sick and about to vomit, so I could call in sick." Well now you can be that sick whenever you want. Here is how it is done.

Get in your car and drive to you local KFC. Preferably one with the buffet. If they don't have the buffet, be sure to buy some original recipe for quicker more violent results.

But, for those of you who find a KFC with a buffet, you will want to eat from it. Stay around the "chicken" side of the buffet, and avoid the salad. Eat some original recipe, be sure to get some chicken livers too. I would say that two trips to the bar ought to be enough. Just don't go back for thirds, because you just want to call in sick, not get a hospital bill.

At this point you can choose to call in, or better yet, show up at work like your ready to work. While calling in would probably do, nothing is better than to have your employer actually see the sweat pouring down from your face. There is no way your boss can say you are faking after he sees the green hue your skin tone has now become. You may need someone to drive you home because you will have most likely lost most of the feeling in your legs by now.

Well, you did it. You are now home sick. Was it worth it you lazy bastard?