Thursday, September 14, 2006

Who Would Win in a Fight?

"Who do you think would win in a fight?" is one of the most asked questions ever. I have been in plenty of conversations with my friends about impossible dream match ups. The question is usually not asked about people that we actually know, often it's fictional characters. Like, Neo (The Matrix) vs. Obi Wan Kenobi (If you don't know who Obi Wan is, just move on to another blog).

It seems like such a simple question. You would think someone like me would just say "Neo" and be done with it. But no, I try to rationalize a clear and decisive winner.

Let us expound on the Neo/Kenobi fight.

The first thing I would ask is "Who's world are they fighting in?" Because Neo doesn't know how to use the force in the Star Wars world, and if they are in the Matrix, then there would be no force. So, I would rationalize that Obi Wan Kenobi is in the Matrix and when he uses the force what he is actually doing is manipulating the Matrix.

Now that we have established the venue, so to speak, I would look into the characters themselves.

Neo is from one good movie that people like, and two that everyone hates.

Obi Wan is in 3 movies that stand the test of time (even if you let George Lucas add in musical numbers) and 3 movies that are filled with poor dialog and crap acting.

So Neo has a 66% suck rating while Obi Wan has a 50% suck rating.

I don't really know what this has to do with anything but I will try to work it in somehow.

Now to the Fight

I guess I need to come up with a reason why they are fighting.

Obi Wan is walking around town and catches a glimpse of Neo out of the corner of his eye. Obi Wan recognizes him and taunts him saying "I liked you better in Bill and Ted." So, of course, this pisses Neo right off.

Wow, I'm really stretching it today!

Well, Obi Wan uses his infamous force foot in the ass maneuver. But Neo telegraphs it and attacks back with his Matrix foot square in yo ass maneuver. Both foot in ass maneuvers off-set and we go to a tie breaker.

The tie break is decided by who can eat the most Jello pudding pops.

That is when Neo says "There are no pudding pops." and demands another tie breaker. In the mean time, Obi Wan has consumed 87 pudding pops, sticks and all.

The judges go through 4 more additional attempts at ending this battle with an eating competition. Each ending in the same manner.

Finally, the Judges use the suck factor to decide, and Obi Wan Kenobi is declared the winner. While Obi Wan makes his way sluggishly to the podium to accept his trophy, Neo plants a second foot square in yo ass maneuver that leaves Obi Wan unable to accept his award.

The Judges are speechless. Who should they give the award to? Neo clearly sucks and Obi Wan has a foot in his ass. The judges elect to give the award to the Glove from the Hamburger Helper box.

I hope this finally puts the Obi Wan/Neo debate to rest. So, when someone ask you "Who would win in a fight, Neo or Obi Wan?", you can confidently say "That Glove guy from Hamburger Helper."

No comments: