Thursday, September 28, 2006

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Who Would Win in a Fight?

"Who do you think would win in a fight?" is one of the most asked questions ever. I have been in plenty of conversations with my friends about impossible dream match ups. The question is usually not asked about people that we actually know, often it's fictional characters. Like, Neo (The Matrix) vs. Obi Wan Kenobi (If you don't know who Obi Wan is, just move on to another blog).

It seems like such a simple question. You would think someone like me would just say "Neo" and be done with it. But no, I try to rationalize a clear and decisive winner.

Let us expound on the Neo/Kenobi fight.

The first thing I would ask is "Who's world are they fighting in?" Because Neo doesn't know how to use the force in the Star Wars world, and if they are in the Matrix, then there would be no force. So, I would rationalize that Obi Wan Kenobi is in the Matrix and when he uses the force what he is actually doing is manipulating the Matrix.

Now that we have established the venue, so to speak, I would look into the characters themselves.

Neo is from one good movie that people like, and two that everyone hates.

Obi Wan is in 3 movies that stand the test of time (even if you let George Lucas add in musical numbers) and 3 movies that are filled with poor dialog and crap acting.

So Neo has a 66% suck rating while Obi Wan has a 50% suck rating.

I don't really know what this has to do with anything but I will try to work it in somehow.

Now to the Fight

I guess I need to come up with a reason why they are fighting.

Obi Wan is walking around town and catches a glimpse of Neo out of the corner of his eye. Obi Wan recognizes him and taunts him saying "I liked you better in Bill and Ted." So, of course, this pisses Neo right off.

Wow, I'm really stretching it today!

Well, Obi Wan uses his infamous force foot in the ass maneuver. But Neo telegraphs it and attacks back with his Matrix foot square in yo ass maneuver. Both foot in ass maneuvers off-set and we go to a tie breaker.

The tie break is decided by who can eat the most Jello pudding pops.

That is when Neo says "There are no pudding pops." and demands another tie breaker. In the mean time, Obi Wan has consumed 87 pudding pops, sticks and all.

The judges go through 4 more additional attempts at ending this battle with an eating competition. Each ending in the same manner.

Finally, the Judges use the suck factor to decide, and Obi Wan Kenobi is declared the winner. While Obi Wan makes his way sluggishly to the podium to accept his trophy, Neo plants a second foot square in yo ass maneuver that leaves Obi Wan unable to accept his award.

The Judges are speechless. Who should they give the award to? Neo clearly sucks and Obi Wan has a foot in his ass. The judges elect to give the award to the Glove from the Hamburger Helper box.

I hope this finally puts the Obi Wan/Neo debate to rest. So, when someone ask you "Who would win in a fight, Neo or Obi Wan?", you can confidently say "That Glove guy from Hamburger Helper."

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Blogging for the Sake of Blogging 3:Blogging with Avengence

It's a rainy Wednesday, and my ass is damp. "How is your ass damp, Fedge?" you might ask. Well the windows in my brothers car, don't go all the way up. Did I say windows? I meant window. The window on the front seat passenger side. We went to Adam's Ribs to eat lunch, which was great, their collard greens are usually awesome. Anyway, when we left my seat was soaked, and shortly afterwards, so was my butt.

A friend of my dad's business was eating there as well. There was some song on the radio that I don't know anything about. The friend of the business asked my brother if he knew who was singing the song. My reply was "Leonard Zeppelin."

Here at the office we are packing all kinds of crap up to sell. Most of which isn't working, and is covered in a dusty goo. Now that I think of it, I don't think there can be such a thing as a dusty goo. Wouldn't the dust get into the goo? The dust would then be stuck and it couldn't mess up my sinuses. I guess the phones are really covered in a goo that is filled with dust.

Our Secretary got back from Arizona today. She got me a nice shirt that says "Arizona" on it. I have never been to Arizona, but now I can pretend.

Now that I am think of it, I might not have put deodorant on today! Luckily it looks like the only place I will be stinking up before I get a chance to shower is the office. But, it often has a much worse smell coming from it long before I get there.

In conclusion, I really need to think harder before I sit down to write a blog.

Monday, September 11, 2006

What in the Name of Pete Sampras

That is what I said on Sunday!

The Tampa Bay Bucs got there ass kicked all up and down their own stadium yesterday. "What in the name of Pete Sampras is going on?" This was going to be Simms (QB) year. We didn't make any bad off-season changes that would effect us in such a negative manner, did we? The Ravens were slapping Chris Simms passes all over the field. Our defense did ok, but when your offense puts no points on the board and they allow the defense to return an interception for a touchdown, there is really nothing you can do. I think Simms had 3 INT's.

Even more bad news in my fantasy group. This week I played against Nesto, who is a major Atlanta Falcons fan. His first four draft picks were all Falcons. It is a well known fact that people who draft a lot of players from their favorite team don't do well. That is unless you are playing against me. Vick had a projected score of 6, and he posted 16. His WR Jenkins projected 2 and scored 9. The Atlanta defense projected 8 and posted 15.

All of this while my QB Carson Palmer was projected at 17 and scored -2. NEGATIVE! "What in the name of Pete Sampras?"

Next week doesn't look that great for the TB Bucs. We are on the road in Atlanta. A game that Nesto is going to. We better win because I don't want to feel the wrath of Nesto!

On the upside, in the Survival group I am in (you only pick one team to win, and if they lose you are out) Nesto picked the Bucs as his pick and is out, while myself and my sister are the only ones still alive. My thanks go out to Philly for not blowing their game against the Texans.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Tonight is the Night and Steve Irwin

Oh the unofficial holiday, how I do enjoy their existence.

Lets see, there is Super Bowl Sunday, Madden Day, and the first game of the NFL season (which happens to be tonight.)

I does not matter who plays, just that they play for a win or a loss that means something. Pre-Season is over, thank goodness, and the Dolphins will play the World Champion Steelers tonight as the NFL makes its return to NBC. It should be a great game. The Dolphins are much improved with Dante Culpepper under center now, it looks like they could be a big playoff contender.

I don't really know what else to say other than, "Hot Damn, I am ready for some football!"

Steve Irwin

As you may or may not know, the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin died on
Monday. There are not a lot of celebrities that I would really be sad
about should they meet a sudden and unexpected demise. I am not saying
that I don't care, but I usually don't concern myself with celebrities.
But, I grew up watching Steve Irwin attacking random reptiles. He is
easily my favorite nature show host. Steve would kickCorwin ass! How do you not like the Croc Hunter? He does all kinds of crazy stuff to entertain you and he will teach you stuff along the way.

I know that most people will say nice stuff about you when you die, but I
really think that Steve was the real deal when he was on TV. I bet he
got just as excited about lunch, as he did when he caught some rare
deadly snake. "Crikey, I love hummus." The other thing is he really
loved the work he was doing. He would risk his life for the animals at
his zoo, and I do not doubt he would do the same for his family. Being
a fan of the Florida Gators, I couldn't get enough of the Croc Hunter tackling Albert the Alligator on ESPN. Steve was over the top, and I loved every minute of it.

I am going to miss watching his show. My prayers are with his family.