An Interview with Norton G. Francenstien

Hello, this is Alberto Richards with Book Readers Quarterly except in June when we release 8 Issues. We recently had the chance to sit down with not so famous blog author Norton G. Francenstien aka The Amazing Fedge. The reason we picked Norton as our subject for this issue of BRQEIJWWR8I, is because our sales and journalistic integrity have been dwindling, and he is the only one stupid enough to do an interview with us. So with out further ado here is our interview with Norton G. Francenstien.

AR:Thank you Norton for coming to talk with us.

NGF:No problem.

AR:Lets get to it. You have been writing your blog for over six months now. How do you feel about the public response so far?

NGF:Well that depends on who you ask. If you were to ask actual living people, their response would most likely be, "Who the hell is Norton G. Francenstien?" or "Why would I read something called Dumb Stuff I Wrote?" But, If you were to ask my imaginary hoard of readers the response would be very positive, indeed. I think I have changed the lives of many imaginary readers. A blog ceases to be a blog when you are restoring peace to an imaginary humanity.

(At this point, your humble interviewer realized what a mistake I was making interviewing this guy. I still needed my story, so despite what my brain was telling me, I pressed in further.)

AR:Wow! That really is something. Do you ever look back and wish that you had spent the time you spent on your blog, on something a little more productive than writing to a invisible audience?

NGF:Sometimes, I really think I could have gotten a good bit of Madden 07 in.

AR:And you think that is more productive than writing to no one?

NGF:Uh, winning the Super Bowl isn't a big deal to you?

AR:Lets move on. You often post negative reviews of restaurants you have been to. Are there any restaurants you like?

NGF:Oh yeah, I like Millhopper Cafe, Caraba's Italian Grill, Adam's Rib Co, and The Fresh Market. They all make my face melt off.

AR:And your face getting melted off is a good thing?

NGF:Usually. Sometimes, if you go into Taco Bell your face will melt off. But that is just because when they cook the "meat", it releases chemicals into the air, and they cause your flesh to be eaten away. Taco Bell has had to put in place a defense force to keep terrorist from finding out about their "Grade E" meat.

AR:Right. You also write a little bit about sports. How do you feel about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this season?

NGF:You might as well ask how I feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles.

AR:How do you feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles?

NGF:It's OK, I guess.

AR:Who is going to win the Super Bowl this year, in real life, not in Madden?

NGF:I hope you are writing this down, because in February you can come back to me and congratulate me on being completely accurate. The winners of Super Bowl XLI will be:Not the Bucs.

AR:Let's move away from sports, since it seems to be getting us nowhere. You are a reader of Sci-Fi and Fantasy, do you have any plans to write a story in the future?

NGF:Yes, I am currently work on a story about what is going to happen if the Krystal's franchise is not brought to it's knees. It isn't really hard to write, since Krystal's has already started trying to weaken the defense of America. They have these things called combos at Krystal's. They often ask if you want to get the combo. A combo comes with fries. FRIES! The last thing anyone needs to eat after eating 3 Krystal burgers is deep fried carbohydrates. It is obvious to me they want to cause the world a great deal of harm. I just don't know why we haven't seen it yet.

AR:You really don't stray much from the food topic do you? Well, I am just going to wrap this up, because the longer this interviews goes, the less and less likely I feel that it will actually get published. Is there anything you would like to tell our audience before we go.

NGF:When life hands you lemons, pelt life in the face with those very same lemons.

AR:Words of truth if ever their were any.

BFTSOB 5: Living up to the name "Dumb Stuff I Wrote!"

I have received a number of complaints (well, one complaint, by Shane), saying I don't blog enough.

Have you read a blog by me that I did just because there was nothing else to do but blog.

It would sound a little a-like-a-dis...

So, me and Luke Wilson were hanging out at a Taco Bell talking about our theological views. I was on my second bean burrito and Luke was finishing up his double dump chalupa when Dick Clark came in the door counting down to the year 2007. Now, when this happened it was the middle of November, so you can imagine our surprise. He still had a lot of seconds to go. The last time I saw Dick Clark in a Taco Bell , he entered himself in the 2001 Taco Bell celebrity "Eat until you pass out" contest. If you remember correctly it was the event that Ben Affleck, Snoop Dogg, and John Tesh were all hospitalized at. Most of them on there third bag of cinnacrisp. But not Dick Clark, his iron stomach never gave in.

But I digress, I looked at Luke and gave him the code word, "Twinkie". He knew that this meant to lay down suppressive fire. Luke whipped out his Uzi and emptied his clip forcing all the taco bell workers to duck for cover. I took this moment to hop over the counter and into the grease laden kitchen where they make the "food". I snatched up all the toys that go in the kids meals. They were toys based on the movie Fast Getaway staring Corey Haim.

I heard a click. "I'm out!", Luke yelled at me.

AHHHHH!! OK, I am going to stop now. Do you see where this is going. I was trying to stop posting blogs like this. Me, writing about the first thing that comes to mind is a dangerous thing. Especially for Dick Clark.

Why can't I blog about normal things, like this sore in the back of my mouth. Have you ever had some one stab you in the mouth with a tooth pick covered in Texas Pete's Wing sauce. No? Well, I guess you don't hang out at Jimmy's House of Lacerations. Any who, that's what it feels like. I have been using that sore throat numbing spray. It helps, but the after taste leaves me feeling like I ate a rusty microwave.

I started reading Nobody Gets the Girl by James Maxey. It calls its self a comic book novel. The main characters name is Richard Rogers. After Dr. Know goes back in time and accidentally erases Richard from existence (kind of). Richard awakes in his own house and finds that he and his wife don't live there anymore, but in his place in another married couple. After repeated attempts to talk to the new tenets of the house, he soon finds out that he is invisible and is unable to be heard.

Dr. Know knows that he has erased Richards past. He takes him from his old house and brings him to a mansion. Dr. Know is able to see Richard because he believes he exist. Apparently this is genetic, because his two daughters also can see him as well.

I really like it so far.

Well, that's it I'm done blogging for today. I think some people just need to learn patience.

Let it Snow!

Every snow flake is unique. Even the ones that say "Super Fedge" on them. I found out about this site through Orson Scott Card's website.

Snow Days is a website where you can make your own snow flake, save it to their database, and watch your snow flake fall on the website for all to see. I made two. One that said "Super Fedge" and one that said "Poop". One track mind I know.

Look, a banner ad for you to click!


Any who, you can search all the flakes that have been made or watch as new flakes fall. There are some really creative ones as well. I don't have enough time or energy to actually try to make something nice (Actually I have the time and energy, just not the talent).

Want to see the "Super Fedge" snowflake. Click the banner above and enter this flake ID number: 2825615, then witness the magesticnicity.

For The Last Time

So, this one time me and my friend Francesco went to Toy's R Us dressed up as Barbara Streisand and Fred Savage. People left and right were coming up to me asking for Fred Savage's autograph. Yet, no one came up to Barbara/Francesco and asked for hers. I think this proves beyond a shadow of doubt that Fred Savage is better than Barbara Streisand. So now you can stop asking me.

BFTSOB 4: The Worst Blog Since The First Blog

One of my biggest imaginary fans asked me, "What is the best blog you ever wrote?"

Well that's a tough question. I have written so many blogs, it's hard to pick a favorite.

One of my favorite blogs to write was the one about the small town in Alabama that was completely over run by man eating late night Taco Bell managers.

Then there was the one about "How to Shave All the Animals at Your Local Zoo and Not Get Caught"

Writing blogs is a form of release. I pretend that people actually want to hear what I have to say. We all know that they don't, but that won't stop me. I will write a blog about anything and then swear it is based on actual fact. Just because you tried to hit someone with your car and got away with it, doesn't mean that I wanted you to try it. What were you thinking Fezner? (Just so you know, Fezner is my super fan I made up.)

So, yeah! This blog is the product of me sitting down and writing with nothing particular in mind. This might just be the worst blog to ever written. You must feel so honored to have been here for it. I have a feeling you might have enjoyed reading the results of a 5 year old banging away on the keyboard. So here is a mid-twenties male bang away on the keyboard. I got to give the people what they want.

Signing out,
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How to Run Someone Over and Not Get Caught

Drive really fast!

A Typical Post

I really like writing blogs. There is one problem though. I find it hard to think of stuff to write about week in and week out. Most of the blogs I read with any regularity consist of the authors updating us on the week or day they are having. So here it is, my attempt at a typical post.

Last night was date night. The first one in a while. We went to the Macaroni Grill, and stuffed our selves full of carbohydrates. Correction: I stuffed myself full, my fiancee didn't eat that much, on a count she had a gettin' married party at work and got to eat lots o' cake. Also, before we went to eat we picked out and bought temporary rings. We are planing on giving them to our kids after we get our "real" wedding bands. Oh yeah, and after we have kids of course.

We also got our wedding license this past Wednesday. I felt really good about that.

Just so you know how long it takes me to write a blog, it has now been 15 minutes since I started writing and all I have done is two paragraphs and one sentence excluding this paragraph. That's sad. Maybe once I get married and get my job situation figured out I will be able to think more clearly and write better blogs.

Maybe writing blogs in the morning isn't the best idea. For me, that's kind of like writing a blog when you are drunk.

"Ifin I were a planet that had it's own time zone, I would be Pluto. Oh, wait, that's not a planet anymore. Then if I were a planet made out of butter pecan ice cream I would call myself 'Chester: The Planet made from Butter Pecan Ice Cream'. That would be so awesome. Then I could make up my own laws and have my own butter pecan currency. You could either spend your paycheck or eat it. Hehe. I am so drunk" said intoxicated Fedge.

Well, so maybe writing in the morning is better than writing when your drunk. But, not by much.

It has now been 25 minutes since I started writing and I am done waisting my time on this not so typical post. Again, I feel as if I must apologize to those that are reading it. It was the morning when I wrote this, and my blog is called "Dumb Stuff I Wrote". If that isn't warning enough, then I don't know what is.

Who Would Win in a Fight?

"Who do you think would win in a fight?" is one of the most asked questions ever. I have been in plenty of conversations with my friends about impossible dream match ups. The question is usually not asked about people that we actually know, often it's fictional characters. Like, Neo (The Matrix) vs. Obi Wan Kenobi (If you don't know who Obi Wan is, just move on to another blog).

It seems like such a simple question. You would think someone like me would just say "Neo" and be done with it. But no, I try to rationalize a clear and decisive winner.

Let us expound on the Neo/Kenobi fight.

The first thing I would ask is "Who's world are they fighting in?" Because Neo doesn't know how to use the force in the Star Wars world, and if they are in the Matrix, then there would be no force. So, I would rationalize that Obi Wan Kenobi is in the Matrix and when he uses the force what he is actually doing is manipulating the Matrix.

Now that we have established the venue, so to speak, I would look into the characters themselves.

Neo is from one good movie that people like, and two that everyone hates.

Obi Wan is in 3 movies that stand the test of time (even if you let George Lucas add in musical numbers) and 3 movies that are filled with poor dialog and crap acting.

So Neo has a 66% suck rating while Obi Wan has a 50% suck rating.

I don't really know what this has to do with anything but I will try to work it in somehow.

Now to the Fight

I guess I need to come up with a reason why they are fighting.

Obi Wan is walking around town and catches a glimpse of Neo out of the corner of his eye. Obi Wan recognizes him and taunts him saying "I liked you better in Bill and Ted." So, of course, this pisses Neo right off.

Wow, I'm really stretching it today!

Well, Obi Wan uses his infamous force foot in the ass maneuver. But Neo telegraphs it and attacks back with his Matrix foot square in yo ass maneuver. Both foot in ass maneuvers off-set and we go to a tie breaker.

The tie break is decided by who can eat the most Jello pudding pops.

That is when Neo says "There are no pudding pops." and demands another tie breaker. In the mean time, Obi Wan has consumed 87 pudding pops, sticks and all.

The judges go through 4 more additional attempts at ending this battle with an eating competition. Each ending in the same manner.

Finally, the Judges use the suck factor to decide, and Obi Wan Kenobi is declared the winner. While Obi Wan makes his way sluggishly to the podium to accept his trophy, Neo plants a second foot square in yo ass maneuver that leaves Obi Wan unable to accept his award.

The Judges are speechless. Who should they give the award to? Neo clearly sucks and Obi Wan has a foot in his ass. The judges elect to give the award to the Glove from the Hamburger Helper box.

I hope this finally puts the Obi Wan/Neo debate to rest. So, when someone ask you "Who would win in a fight, Neo or Obi Wan?", you can confidently say "That Glove guy from Hamburger Helper."

Madden NFL 07 and Babel Fish

Please stop e-mailing me, you imaginary people. I know it has been a week since I blogged for yo ace. So what? I'm busy!

But I'm back now, and just in time for Madden 07.

Usually, the first thing I do with my brand new copy of EA Sports annually pro football release is to play one game against my friend Nesto. He picks the Falcons, I play as the mighty Bucs. When Nesto and I play each other, I normally win 75% of the time. Most of the time by a slim margin.

This year was no exception.

I am getting ahead of myself. If you didn't guess already, Madden release at 12:01 this morning and Nesto was the first one in line to buy our copies. Last night/this morning makes my fourth midnight video game release I have been to (Halo2, NCAA Football 06, NCAA Football 07, and Madden 07.) Last night was by far the most fun I have had at one of these functions. It is a special thing to find a small store filled with video game/NFL dorks. I dorked out for an hour with other fellow Madden fans. That was great fun, but there was a woopin' that needed gettin' done... I think that was the worst sentence I have ever written.

After snatching up our games, we headed over to Nesto's, booted up the XBOX, and fired up the HDTV.

We picked our teams, and we were off.

The Falcons won the coin loss and elected to kick. That's when the Bucs did the unthinkable. They went three and out and punted away to the Falcons. Mike Vick was efficient and scored quickly through the air. After the extra point and ensuing kick-off, the Bucs learned from there first possession, and promptly went 3 and out again. The Falcons scored quickly again, making it 14-0. The Bucs were able to rebound and tie the game up before halftime. You know what? I'm just going to skip ahead, because I'm lazy and you don't really want to read a recap of two dudes playing a video game.

It was the 4th Quarter and the Bucs were down by 3 scores, Falcons had control of the football. Ronde Barber was quiet most of the game until he intercepted a pass that he returned for a touchdown. The Falcons had the ball after the kick-off. Vick made the mistake of throwing it in Barber's direction again, Ronde returned another INT for a TD. The teams were knotted up. Somehow, and I don't remember how, the Bucs scored another touchdown in the forth quarter to take the lead. Not to worry, because Vick came right out and tied it up with a scoring drive of his own. It was time for OT.

Now, I have never had a score like this in Madden, specifically against Nesto, but going in to OT it was 70-70.

The Bucs won the toss and elected to receive. Chris Simms added to his already huge 400 yard game and drove his team down for the winning touchdown. The Bucs retained the title.

Those of you who are still reading, I thank you for humoring me. I know what I wrote today was boring and dumb. But this is "DUMB STUFF I WROTE!" What did you think you were going to get? A Pulitzer Prize winning essay?

BABEL FISH

Babel Fish is a translation tool you can use for free. It is great fun to take a blog and translate it from English to German, then from German back to English. Below is the very same blog you just read, translated in such a fashion.

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