Happy Thanksgiving

Hey look over here, I'm posting.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

My Thanksgiving featured turkey, homemade bread, sweet potato casserole, jell-o and strawberry soup, Stove Top stuffing, mashed potatoes, wine, water, green beans, dog bites, blood, Wii Bowling, and YouTube favorites.

Turkey was good, but I had to carve it. So, it ended up in a bunch of little pieces.

Homemade bread was also good. But I attempted to cut a slice for my sister. See comments about me carving turkey.

Sweet potato casserole was great. I was a little concerned about it considering that my sister made it and not my mom, but it turned out great.

Jell-o and Stawberry soup should have been a jell-o mold, but when I tried to take it out of the jell-o mold, well... once again see comments about me carving turkey. That's right little pieces.

You can't screw up Stove Top, it comes in little pieces!

Didn't eat the mashed potatoes.

Wine was so/so.

Water... don't really know what to add to that.

Green beans = Good

My sisters dog bit my brother.

Blood from the dog bite.

Wii Sports Bowling is still awesome.

And finally, me and my brother showed each other some of our favorite videos from YouTube.

That sums it up.

I would like to now say something off the topic of Thanksgiving. It has been a significant amount of time since I last posted. Me not blogging tends to be a bit of problem and I am tired of coming up with ways to insult myself about it. I don't know if I can keep this promise or not, but I will do my best to not mention my lack of blogging. I will just pretend that it is business as usual. Not that you care, being some one who doesn't actually exist. Unless your my wife, sister, or Von Urrich. You guys exist. J-Diggy Out!

February Finally Gets Some Bloggin' Love

February gets riped-off!

It's the shortest month of the year, no paid holidays, and we are 10 days in and I haven't updated my blog.

I have an excuse, kinda. I was on an impromptu vacation.

I either got fired, or laid off, or quit working at the store in January. I am really unclear on this, but all I know is I don't work there anymore. So, updating wasn't a problem.

I set off on the job hunting trail again, and ended up doing sales for a very large and well respected company. I gots mad benefits, DOG! It pays well and hooks yo homeboy up with da crazy insane plika plow.

Plika plow...? Uhh.. moving on.

Well, working where I am working, it is rather difficult to update my blog. Thus, no post in February until now. But, that's all going to change, sort of. I am going to try to update my blog at home now. There is a certain level of discipline that goes into maintaining this blog. Not much, but discipline none the less. You have to get off the couch. Go to the office. Log in. Then to top it off, I got to think of stuff and write it. Pshh... like I want to do that. It's easier to blog at work.

Digestion

Right now as I type this blog, many things are being set in motion. All of which are taking place in my lower intestine. Me and my wife went out to eat fish and chips last night. Well, I had fish and chips. She substituted her fries for broccoli, a decision I wish I had made. I don't think I am backed up, but plika plow, my junk hurts inside. As much as I blog about bad food, you think I would learn. I hate greasy food, but it taste SO GOOD! Fish and chips with malt vinegar...mmmm. (drool) Would it really hurt me to sub the fries, probably not. But they give you a whole lot a malt vinegar and so little fish. I gots to get that vinegar in my belly, and I can't just sit there and drink it. People would see me do it and try it. Then they would all get addicted and we would have a malt vinegar shortage. Then what the hell am I going to put on my fish. Nope, the best idea it to eat the fries with the vinegar. I mean, I can't let the vinegar go uneaten. So, my penalty for gluttony is having to grab my side like I ran 20 feet and needed to catch my breath. That didn't stop me from eating free cake from Kitchen and Spice, and a half a cinnamon roll from The Fresh Market. Sorry colon.

Plus, we didn't get no hush puppies! Plus, it took over a half hour to get our food. PLUS, when we complained to the manager he didn't try to make it right. "What do you want me to do to make this right for you?" Granted he probably was running around apologizing to everyone, but dang, your the manager, you tell me how your going to make it right. When we pay for food and wait a half hour and don't gets dem hushies! Alls I gots to say is PLIKA PLOW!

Funnel Cakes and Fair Food

This weekend was the medieval fair.

There is nothing quite like hanging out with a bunch of dorks dressed up like their favorite characters from Lord of the Rings. It's wonderful to hear them refer to themselves with their made up medieval names. "Sir Grubinground: Captain of the Rolariand Fleet."

Dorks will normally leave to alone in the real world, but once to step into their territory they get all cocky. They will yell at you and demand you play their ridiculous impossible to win games. "Throws some balls at some stuff, and if you can knock down all 54 targets with 3 balls we will give you this cheap nick-nack that we got for a quarter at the Food Lion. Don't miss out on this opportunity to waist your money."

Me and my family went on Saturday. My better half was trying to advise me to eat before we went. My response was, "Half the fun of going to the fair is eating the food." I am not the only one who thinks this way, my mother also shares my opinion. But once I got to the fair I realized that most of the food they serve is made by the shadiest of people. They don't wear hair nets at the fair. I didn't see any health inspectors coming through. I did see long haired ho-bo's making my french fries.

"So, what do you do when your not slinging overpriced grease?"

"Oh, I sit on the interstate on-ramp and try to bum a ride."

"Fantastic. By the way, your mullet is dipping into the funnel cake mix."

I had the "fish and chips." Which by its self, not that bad. My problem was the rabbit turds in the bottom of the malt vinegar. But hey, "When in Rome, eat and don't ask questions."

I think the only thing worse than a chili dog from Krystal's, is a funnel cake. I know they will make me sick, but when someone offers a bite, I can't help but to indulge myself. Funnel cake is like a sponge. When you cook fries in a deep fryer, you are usually left with oil in the fryer. Not funnel cakes. Drop a funnel cake in and all the grease that was in your cooker is now on the inside of that carbohydrate H-Bomb. Don't believe me! Ask your self this, what color was the powdered sugar on your last funnel cake? I know is wasn't white! Remember what they say about yellow snow? Well that applies here.

Funnel cakes aren't like Krystal's. You can get away with eating one bite of a Krystal burger and not get sick. With funnel cakes, one bite is enough.

"Honey, I am feeling a tingling down my arm."

"Me too, but my hair is also falling out by the handful, damn funnel cake!"

A funnel cake is like a pancake, inside a waffle, inside a doughnut.

Oh, I imagine the next time I go to a fair I will get some food from some shady vendor. I am just going to try and stay away from the turducken of pastries.

An Interview with Norton G. Francenstien

Hello, this is Alberto Richards with Book Readers Quarterly except in June when we release 8 Issues. We recently had the chance to sit down with not so famous blog author Norton G. Francenstien aka The Amazing Fedge. The reason we picked Norton as our subject for this issue of BRQEIJWWR8I, is because our sales and journalistic integrity have been dwindling, and he is the only one stupid enough to do an interview with us. So with out further ado here is our interview with Norton G. Francenstien.

AR:Thank you Norton for coming to talk with us.

NGF:No problem.

AR:Lets get to it. You have been writing your blog for over six months now. How do you feel about the public response so far?

NGF:Well that depends on who you ask. If you were to ask actual living people, their response would most likely be, "Who the hell is Norton G. Francenstien?" or "Why would I read something called Dumb Stuff I Wrote?" But, If you were to ask my imaginary hoard of readers the response would be very positive, indeed. I think I have changed the lives of many imaginary readers. A blog ceases to be a blog when you are restoring peace to an imaginary humanity.

(At this point, your humble interviewer realized what a mistake I was making interviewing this guy. I still needed my story, so despite what my brain was telling me, I pressed in further.)

AR:Wow! That really is something. Do you ever look back and wish that you had spent the time you spent on your blog, on something a little more productive than writing to a invisible audience?

NGF:Sometimes, I really think I could have gotten a good bit of Madden 07 in.

AR:And you think that is more productive than writing to no one?

NGF:Uh, winning the Super Bowl isn't a big deal to you?

AR:Lets move on. You often post negative reviews of restaurants you have been to. Are there any restaurants you like?

NGF:Oh yeah, I like Millhopper Cafe, Caraba's Italian Grill, Adam's Rib Co, and The Fresh Market. They all make my face melt off.

AR:And your face getting melted off is a good thing?

NGF:Usually. Sometimes, if you go into Taco Bell your face will melt off. But that is just because when they cook the "meat", it releases chemicals into the air, and they cause your flesh to be eaten away. Taco Bell has had to put in place a defense force to keep terrorist from finding out about their "Grade E" meat.

AR:Right. You also write a little bit about sports. How do you feel about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this season?

NGF:You might as well ask how I feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles.

AR:How do you feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles?

NGF:It's OK, I guess.

AR:Who is going to win the Super Bowl this year, in real life, not in Madden?

NGF:I hope you are writing this down, because in February you can come back to me and congratulate me on being completely accurate. The winners of Super Bowl XLI will be:Not the Bucs.

AR:Let's move away from sports, since it seems to be getting us nowhere. You are a reader of Sci-Fi and Fantasy, do you have any plans to write a story in the future?

NGF:Yes, I am currently work on a story about what is going to happen if the Krystal's franchise is not brought to it's knees. It isn't really hard to write, since Krystal's has already started trying to weaken the defense of America. They have these things called combos at Krystal's. They often ask if you want to get the combo. A combo comes with fries. FRIES! The last thing anyone needs to eat after eating 3 Krystal burgers is deep fried carbohydrates. It is obvious to me they want to cause the world a great deal of harm. I just don't know why we haven't seen it yet.

AR:You really don't stray much from the food topic do you? Well, I am just going to wrap this up, because the longer this interviews goes, the less and less likely I feel that it will actually get published. Is there anything you would like to tell our audience before we go.

NGF:When life hands you lemons, pelt life in the face with those very same lemons.

AR:Words of truth if ever their were any.

The Fresh Market

Who knew going to the super market was so fun? I'm not talking about Super Target where you can buy groceries and a plasma television. I'm talking about a place that only sells food. NO, not Mickey D's. That place will cause you to crap out your gal bladder, even though their fries are awesome.

I am talking about a bona fide grocery store. The Fresh Market, fools!

Both me and my wife have started shopping at the new store in town, and we peed our pants all up and down that place with excitement. There is something for everyone. Like a meat section that will make a vegan convert. Produce that looks like, well, like it hasn't been sitting in the back for three weeks. A deli that has nice people working in it. Not to mention that what they make in the deli, like chicken and ribs, are great. I haven't tried the ribs but soon and very soon I will. Can you say bulk candy? Yeah, little gummy cola bottles here I come.

Oh, but I saved the best for last. They have a bakery that will melt your face. One look at their cakes, pies, and pastries and you will be saying, "Well, weighing 300 pounds can't be all that bad."

We bought many different things in the two time we have been there. But the bacon takes the cake. They have bacon that will melt your face. Oh... wait, I used that one. They have bacon that will shave you back for you. Yeah, it's good stuff. We cooked up some on Sunday morning and the house smelled like bacon the whole day. And that's not a bad thing when bacon smells like their bacon does. Which smells awesome. The smell will singe your nose hairs.

They have great atmosphere, customer service, and stuff you just can't find anywhere else. There is nothing quite like spending a Sunday afternoon drinking up their free wine and apple cider.

I love looking into the faces of my fellow shoppers and see a combination of glee and intoxication.

I felt like I was walking through Willie Wonka's Room where everything was edible.

How to Open a Pomegranate

Not the way I open one.

A couple of weeks ago my wife picked up a little information about how you pick out a pomegranate. They say you are supposed to look for the heaviest and reddest pomegranate you can find. But, the last time we did that, we ended up with one that was gray, not red, on the inside. Needless to say we didn't eat it.

So, last night we got another pomegranate home, not the heaviest or reddest in the store. I pulled out the instructions on how to open a pomegranate. I started by cutting off the top and bottom, then I quartered the middle parts. I grabbed a bowl of water, like they said to, and picked the seeds/fruit off and put them in the water. As I am doing this my wife tells me I am getting juice every where. And pomegranate juice is the same color as cranberry juice, and I would think stains in with the same potency.

There was juice on my shorts, on the walls, and on the floors. (Warning: Fedge is about to exaggerate, big time!) I mean, the kitchen looked like a scene from Friday the 13th. The cats had a red slimy layer, that they tracked all through out the house. I think pomegranates are best opened outside.

After 16 hours of clean up, I was ready to enjoy the Japaneses apple, as they call it. It's nothing like an apple. Except that it is tart... and has seeds in the middle. Well, its a fruit, like an apple. Whatever. But it is pretty tasty, and as tart as it is, I have had a sugar buzz all morning. Plus, there is a butt load of fruit in a pomegranate. I have enough to last me through the week. I just wonder how long the pomegranate fad will last. But while it's here, I plan on drinking everything in the store that says pomegranate on it.

The Pomegranate Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink (or PAGTED for short) is awesome.

Sackful O' Death

This is such a successful blog. My readers come from all over the globe. I get e-mail after e-mail asking, "What other fast food joints make you sick?"

You know I hate WHATABURGER and Subway, but I have only hinted at the shrine of sickness in my blog. Krystal's is the worst fast food joint in the land. There is only one thing that makes me more sick that a bean burrito from Taco Bell, and that's a burger from Krystal's (or at least what they laughingly call a burger).

When the Krystal Burger was first made, it was a normal size burger. The first man to partake of the normal size Krystal Burger died as soon as the grease hit his stomach. It is the first recorded death caused by fast food. Many more followed as Krystal's grew in popularity.

After this tragedy, the maker of the Burger of Shame decided that in its original form, the Krystal Burger was too much for any normal person to handle. That is why they sized it down to a sliver of what looks nothing like meat and a bun that is four times the size of the "meat". Top it of with a substance they call mustard and mayo. Then, add one thin pickle. It's a good thing that pickle is so small, because it is the grossest pickle they could find. Has it been dropped on the ground? Was it found under the seat of the managers car? Who knows? It's just the worst pickle ever!

I think Krystal's is out to cause every one to have liver failure. If you drive by a Krystal's, they have a sign out front that says "Bring home a sackful!" WHY? Why would I want to bring home one of your sandwiches, much less twelve? TWELVE! If you buy a sackful you better have twelve friends at home to help you eat it, because your pancreas can only handle so much. You need to eat what you order from Krystal's as soon as you buy it. With Krystal's there is no such thing as left overs. If you let a "burger" sit for even one hour, the bacteria that they use to flavor the "meat" starts to grow and become an animated sentient life form. If you wait two hours you can see them starting to farm and build a bacteria strip mall. To eat one of these small Krystal villages would be murder, not just because you killed that small community, but also for your stomach lining.

Then, there is the chicken nugget sandwich. Now granted, I have never gotten sick from a Krystal chicken sandwich, but then again I have never eaten more than one of them at a time. They charge, what, a buck fifty for a chicken nugget on a bun. I can go to any other fast food place and get a five nuggets for that price, and I don't have to peel a nasty bun off of them to make it edible.

The next sentence I am going to write may scare my readers, but you must know about this.

KRYSTAL'S MAKES CHILI DOGS!

Chili dogs make everyone sick, no matter where you buy them from! This is a deadly alliance between two evils, to create the most dangerous food known to man. If you ever want to know what it is like to have hallucinations without buying illegal substances, go get yourself a Krystal's chili dog. I will not be held responsible for the mess your wife has to clean up in the bathroom afterwards. And no, I will not pay you for any missed work or doctor bills you get from eating the chili dog. You can eat one if you want, but eat at your own risk.

Calling in Sick

I haven't posted in a long time. I've had a lot of stuff going on, and didn't have time to get on the computer. But here is the recap in hyperfast instant replay!

In the past 2 weeks I meet my fiancees parents for the first time, got married, and started a new job today.

Wow that was a hyperfast recap!

I am married now, which is way better than not being married. It is good to know that I found the right woman and that I get to be with her forever. Plus, there are certain perks that come with being married. *wink wink*

Any who, at my new job I have access to the Internet, which means more blogs and more slacking off. I can't believe those turds at Publix wanted me to work when I was on the clock. Can you believe the nerve?

It made me want to call in sick! But, I am a honest man and would not call in sick unless it was so. Which gave me an idea. I figured out how to call in sick not be lying!

Lets say that you wake up in the morning and just can't cope with the fact that you have to work. You say to yourself "I wish I was sick and about to vomit, so I could call in sick." Well now you can be that sick whenever you want. Here is how it is done.

Get in your car and drive to you local KFC. Preferably one with the buffet. If they don't have the buffet, be sure to buy some original recipe for quicker more violent results.

But, for those of you who find a KFC with a buffet, you will want to eat from it. Stay around the "chicken" side of the buffet, and avoid the salad. Eat some original recipe, be sure to get some chicken livers too. I would say that two trips to the bar ought to be enough. Just don't go back for thirds, because you just want to call in sick, not get a hospital bill.

At this point you can choose to call in, or better yet, show up at work like your ready to work. While calling in would probably do, nothing is better than to have your employer actually see the sweat pouring down from your face. There is no way your boss can say you are faking after he sees the green hue your skin tone has now become. You may need someone to drive you home because you will have most likely lost most of the feeling in your legs by now.

Well, you did it. You are now home sick. Was it worth it you lazy bastard?

Lazy Bones and Subway

Man I'm a slacker. I take so long to update my blog.

I can't eat at Subway, and I love sandwiches. When I worked in lawn maintenance the Foreman of the crew loved eating veggie subs from Subway. Needless to say we ate there multiple times a week. But that is not really why I can't eat there anymore. It has more to do with the smell that people get on themselves when they leave Subway.

I first noticed it when I was working at the bookstore. There was a Subway near by and my co-workers ate there often. After they took their lunch break, I would be working next to them, that is when I would ask "What is that smell?" It turns out every time someone I worked with ate at Subway, they would have an odor that followed them around, and it wasn't gas.

It got to the point I could tell if someone had eaten at Subway just by the smell they brought with them. I started noticing it in bookstores, library's, and restrooms across the city. The last time I ate at Subway, I had a low-carb wrap. When I left I had that "Eat Fresh" odor on me. That was the last straw. No more Subway for me.

Which leads me to this, unless there are no other sub restaurants in your town, there is no reason to eat at Subway. If you have a Publix, Larry's Giant Sub's, or a Hogan's Heroes near by, you will get a better sandwich and no extra odors.

Letter to WHATABURGER

"'Just like you like it?' More like 'Whether you like it or not!'" said Fedge.

Dear WHATABURGER,

Yesterday, before my lunch break, I was trying to decide where I was going to eat. Normally I go to a local BBQ rib restaurant near my place of work. They make very tasty food, with fast service, and always get my order right. You go Adams Rib Co! But, unfortunately I decided it was time for a change of pace. Me and my Fiancee had been talking about your establishment and how we never heard anything good about it. Except for my Dad, he likes your "Food" as you so laughingly call it. In my ignorance I wanted to give WHATABURGER the benefit of the doubt.

I pulled into your parking lot and walked inside to find an entire little league baseball team in line to order. I should have taken this as a sign from God that I was not supposed to eat there today. In my stubbornness, I got back into my van and went through the drive-thru.

Your employee ask if she could take my order, I said "Yes" in my ignorance. I should have taken this last opportunity and gotten out of this doomed venture and ended the Fedge/WHATABURGER disaster before it happened. My proper response should of been "No you can't take my order. I just wanted to let you know that you are going to cost that little league team a chance at a win by serving them your crappy slop!"

Anyway, I ordered a double meat/double cheese burger, again in my ignorance. Why would anyone want a double portion of WHATABURGER? I mean really! With no tomato/no onion. Then on top it all off, I wanted bacon on my burger.

Ok, so I was asking for it a little.

"Would you like to make that a combo?" she said.

"Hell Yeah! I want some greasy over salted fries!" I replied. I mean, to get the amount of salt that you put on your fries into my system, I could either eat your fries, or drink a bottle of soy sauce. In hind sight, I should have gone for the soy sauce.

I then paid, and was given a bag with, what I thought to be, my order inside.

I drove to find a shady spot to park. I was ready to see what WHATABURGER held for me.

The first thing I notice was how salty the fries were, which I already said were too salty. Then I notice what I got was not a double meat/double cheese, but a double meat/single cheese. Not really a big dea... hey where is my BACON, and... and is that onion all over this soggy bun? Oh great, the lettuce taste like a gym sock.

Just to let you know WHATABURGER, I'm going to tell everyone that your food taste like the Dallas Cowboy's locker room floor.

I have one thing to say to anyone else who may be reading this. Believe the hype WHATABURGER is terrible.

So, WHATABURGER, I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. It just seem that you have a lot of work to do. Your company has been around for over 50 years, and you could not have gotten this far with such terrible service. Please, take this as a constructive criticism and fix your food. At least your food isn't as bad a Krystals.

Regretfully Yours,
--Fedge