Thursday, November 09, 2006

Sackful O' Death

This is such a successful blog. My readers come from all over the globe. I get e-mail after e-mail asking, "What other fast food joints make you sick?"

You know I hate WHATABURGER and Subway, but I have only hinted at the shrine of sickness in my blog. Krystal's is the worst fast food joint in the land. There is only one thing that makes me more sick that a bean burrito from Taco Bell, and that's a burger from Krystal's (or at least what they laughingly call a burger).

When the Krystal Burger was first made, it was a normal size burger. The first man to partake of the normal size Krystal Burger died as soon as the grease hit his stomach. It is the first recorded death caused by fast food. Many more followed as Krystal's grew in popularity.

After this tragedy, the maker of the Burger of Shame decided that in its original form, the Krystal Burger was too much for any normal person to handle. That is why they sized it down to a sliver of what looks nothing like meat and a bun that is four times the size of the "meat". Top it of with a substance they call mustard and mayo. Then, add one thin pickle. It's a good thing that pickle is so small, because it is the grossest pickle they could find. Has it been dropped on the ground? Was it found under the seat of the managers car? Who knows? It's just the worst pickle ever!

I think Krystal's is out to cause every one to have liver failure. If you drive by a Krystal's, they have a sign out front that says "Bring home a sackful!" WHY? Why would I want to bring home one of your sandwiches, much less twelve? TWELVE! If you buy a sackful you better have twelve friends at home to help you eat it, because your pancreas can only handle so much. You need to eat what you order from Krystal's as soon as you buy it. With Krystal's there is no such thing as left overs. If you let a "burger" sit for even one hour, the bacteria that they use to flavor the "meat" starts to grow and become an animated sentient life form. If you wait two hours you can see them starting to farm and build a bacteria strip mall. To eat one of these small Krystal villages would be murder, not just because you killed that small community, but also for your stomach lining.

Then, there is the chicken nugget sandwich. Now granted, I have never gotten sick from a Krystal chicken sandwich, but then again I have never eaten more than one of them at a time. They charge, what, a buck fifty for a chicken nugget on a bun. I can go to any other fast food place and get a five nuggets for that price, and I don't have to peel a nasty bun off of them to make it edible.

The next sentence I am going to write may scare my readers, but you must know about this.


Chili dogs make everyone sick, no matter where you buy them from! This is a deadly alliance between two evils, to create the most dangerous food known to man. If you ever want to know what it is like to have hallucinations without buying illegal substances, go get yourself a Krystal's chili dog. I will not be held responsible for the mess your wife has to clean up in the bathroom afterwards. And no, I will not pay you for any missed work or doctor bills you get from eating the chili dog. You can eat one if you want, but eat at your own risk.

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