Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The 50th Post

It's been a long a long hard road. This marks the fiftieth post on Dumb Stuff I Wrote.

While it is true that I wrote a few post that are no longer on the site and How to Run Someone Over and Not Get Caught, can hardly be considered a post. I still feel a sense of accomplishment. From here on out the blog should be looking up. I think I have learned a lot in the past 50 post. Like, not posting when you are drunk, and not putting icing on your wifes face when you know she normally wouldn't hit you in the face with cake in the first place. Otherwise you will just end up with nostrils full of dairy product.

In the past seven months I have written 49 post. Some of them good, others not so good. So, if you don't mind I would like to suggest some of my favorites.

I think the Mutant League Poker was my first good entry. I spent time on the other posts, but I feel that this one came off pretty well. It was one of the first post I wrote after thinking about it for a while, so it was written better than the post where I just sit down and start typing about any old crap.

Follow that up with Stealth! Who Needs Stealth?, which is me talking about playing a video game, but I still had fun writing it.

Then, there are the blogs about the restaurants I hate. Like, Letter To WHATABURGER, Calling In Sick, and Sackful o' Death. All of which were a blast to write. It's true that for the most part in these blogs I am just ripping off of Jim Gaffigan's comedy act, but I don't care.

One of my favorites is Who Would Win in a Fight? It is the epic tale of two classic gladiators duking it out.

If I had to narrow down the list of post you should never read down to three, I think they would be, For The Last Time, Let It Snow!, and Totally Dorky Complete. Really I am telling the truth, don't read them.

I feel that I have become a better writer since I stared this blog. When I go back and read the previous post I made here, I can really see the difference in the way I write. Granted, I am not an awesome word smith, by any stretch of the imagination. Some of my early posts really had some issues. I will also admit the some of the newer post have issues, but the new issues are just me not thinking before I sit down and write.

Where do we go from here? Well, I promise to continue to write post about any kind of crap that comes to mind. I also plan to continue pretending that there are thousands of people that read my blog. I swear I will live up to the standards that have been set in place here a Dumb Stuff I Wrote!, or my name isn't Norton G. Francenstiengulburgerhouse the third.

For the record, I would much rather eat at a place called "Francenstiengulburgerhouse" than Krystal's any day of the week.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

How to Open a Pomegranate

Not the way I open one.

A couple of weeks ago my wife picked up a little information about how you pick out a pomegranate. They say you are supposed to look for the heaviest and reddest pomegranate you can find. But, the last time we did that, we ended up with one that was gray, not red, on the inside. Needless to say we didn't eat it.

So, last night we got another pomegranate home, not the heaviest or reddest in the store. I pulled out the instructions on how to open a pomegranate. I started by cutting off the top and bottom, then I quartered the middle parts. I grabbed a bowl of water, like they said to, and picked the seeds/fruit off and put them in the water. As I am doing this my wife tells me I am getting juice every where. And pomegranate juice is the same color as cranberry juice, and I would think stains in with the same potency.

There was juice on my shorts, on the walls, and on the floors. (Warning: Fedge is about to exaggerate, big time!) I mean, the kitchen looked like a scene from Friday the 13th. The cats had a red slimy layer, that they tracked all through out the house. I think pomegranates are best opened outside.

After 16 hours of clean up, I was ready to enjoy the Japaneses apple, as they call it. It's nothing like an apple. Except that it is tart... and has seeds in the middle. Well, its a fruit, like an apple. Whatever. But it is pretty tasty, and as tart as it is, I have had a sugar buzz all morning. Plus, there is a butt load of fruit in a pomegranate. I have enough to last me through the week. I just wonder how long the pomegranate fad will last. But while it's here, I plan on drinking everything in the store that says pomegranate on it.

The Pomegranate Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink (or PAGTED for short) is awesome.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Net Savvy and My Blog

OK, that last post sucked. The only reason I did that was because I wanted to prove to myself I had the know how to make a picture link.

It's not really that hard, it just makes me feel so net savvy.

I mean, have you looked at my myspace? I use the default settings. I have seen some web pages made by eight year olds that look better than anything I have ever made.

Do you ever think back to something you did in your past and shake your head in shame? You maybe the only one who knows about it, and it may make no difference in who you are today, but you can't help but feeling that you are an idiot when ever you think about that event.

Well, that's what it is like for me when I read my blog. If I ever want to be reminded myself of how dumb I can be, all I need to do is go back and read any one of my many entries.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Let it Snow!

Every snow flake is unique. Even the ones that say "Super Fedge" on them. I found out about this site through Orson Scott Card's website.

Snow Days is a website where you can make your own snow flake, save it to their database, and watch your snow flake fall on the website for all to see. I made two. One that said "Super Fedge" and one that said "Poop". One track mind I know.

Look, a banner ad for you to click!
Need a Snow Day?

Any who, you can search all the flakes that have been made or watch as new flakes fall. There are some really creative ones as well. I don't have enough time or energy to actually try to make something nice (Actually I have the time and energy, just not the talent).

Want to see the "Super Fedge" snowflake. Click the banner above and enter this flake ID number: 2825615, then witness the magesticnicity.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Soon to be Published

Hopefully, if he doesn't forget, I will be published in Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show. Granted, it will be in the letters to the editor section of the website, but still, it's pretty wicked awesome.

I e-mailed a letter to the editor a while ago to tell him how much I enjoyed the latest edition of the magazine. Being that it was the first issue he was editor of, and it turned out great, I felt the need to let him know he was doing a good job.

I got an e-mail back from him, telling me he appreciated my letter, and wanted to know if he could post it on the letters to the editor section of the site. I was like, "Yes, hurry up and post it."

This is the first step to becoming big time. Soon web sites from all over will want me to write them so they can publish my letters online. I bet they are going to get so many hits when my letter goes online.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

On The Air and Sales People

Today was the store's official grand re-opening. We had a local radio station do a remote from the store. The manager and owner did an on air interview with the DJ. I was also interviewed.

The manager and the owner were both very professional and I was a total moron.

I had my DJ voice on. I was talking like a salesman, "We are stepping it up today, with big sales on music and books! So, come on down here and sign up for our card and get 10% off everything in the store."

Come to find out, I am going to be on the radio once a month. Doing what you ask? I will be telling people about new releases and trying to sell them stuff. I hope I can tone it down so I don't sound like an ass. I am not really a salesman, but I could easily become one if I am not careful.

My dad was a salesman, and I know how to act friendly to people. But, that's not who I want to be. I just want to be a genuine guy, who is real with people. I don't like being that over the top sales dude. I would rather be the guy who is trying to sell you something because I think you really would like it. I want to be nice to people because I am a nice person, not because I want to meet a quota.

When me and my wife were shopping for rings, we had some turd going all salesman on us. After we left, we both said we didn't want to give them our business. Just tell us what you have, and we will make our own decision. Don't pretend to be my buddy either, because all you really want is my money. You don't really like me, you didn't invite me to any barbecue's you had at your house. We haven't know each other for years, so stop acting like we are friends.

Sorry, but salespeople frustrate me. That's why becoming one scares me.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Sackful O' Death

This is such a successful blog. My readers come from all over the globe. I get e-mail after e-mail asking, "What other fast food joints make you sick?"

You know I hate WHATABURGER and Subway, but I have only hinted at the shrine of sickness in my blog. Krystal's is the worst fast food joint in the land. There is only one thing that makes me more sick that a bean burrito from Taco Bell, and that's a burger from Krystal's (or at least what they laughingly call a burger).

When the Krystal Burger was first made, it was a normal size burger. The first man to partake of the normal size Krystal Burger died as soon as the grease hit his stomach. It is the first recorded death caused by fast food. Many more followed as Krystal's grew in popularity.

After this tragedy, the maker of the Burger of Shame decided that in its original form, the Krystal Burger was too much for any normal person to handle. That is why they sized it down to a sliver of what looks nothing like meat and a bun that is four times the size of the "meat". Top it of with a substance they call mustard and mayo. Then, add one thin pickle. It's a good thing that pickle is so small, because it is the grossest pickle they could find. Has it been dropped on the ground? Was it found under the seat of the managers car? Who knows? It's just the worst pickle ever!

I think Krystal's is out to cause every one to have liver failure. If you drive by a Krystal's, they have a sign out front that says "Bring home a sackful!" WHY? Why would I want to bring home one of your sandwiches, much less twelve? TWELVE! If you buy a sackful you better have twelve friends at home to help you eat it, because your pancreas can only handle so much. You need to eat what you order from Krystal's as soon as you buy it. With Krystal's there is no such thing as left overs. If you let a "burger" sit for even one hour, the bacteria that they use to flavor the "meat" starts to grow and become an animated sentient life form. If you wait two hours you can see them starting to farm and build a bacteria strip mall. To eat one of these small Krystal villages would be murder, not just because you killed that small community, but also for your stomach lining.

Then, there is the chicken nugget sandwich. Now granted, I have never gotten sick from a Krystal chicken sandwich, but then again I have never eaten more than one of them at a time. They charge, what, a buck fifty for a chicken nugget on a bun. I can go to any other fast food place and get a five nuggets for that price, and I don't have to peel a nasty bun off of them to make it edible.

The next sentence I am going to write may scare my readers, but you must know about this.


Chili dogs make everyone sick, no matter where you buy them from! This is a deadly alliance between two evils, to create the most dangerous food known to man. If you ever want to know what it is like to have hallucinations without buying illegal substances, go get yourself a Krystal's chili dog. I will not be held responsible for the mess your wife has to clean up in the bathroom afterwards. And no, I will not pay you for any missed work or doctor bills you get from eating the chili dog. You can eat one if you want, but eat at your own risk.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Poor Guy

I had the experience of taking a diabetic cat to the vet today, because he was having seizures.

It was very traumatizing for myself and my wife. Its one of those things, where you don't really know how much you enjoy having a cat around, until he is not around. We went back to the house briefly after word to calm down, and it was weird having the two cats there without him.

He is going to be OK and he is coming home tonight.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Drunk or Not Drunk?

My blog over the past few days has been really... strange. Some of the things I have said sound like the musings of a dunk vagrant.

Here are some examples,

"One of my favorite blogs to write was the one about the small town in Alabama that was completely over run by man eating late night Taco Bell managers."

Now I ask you, Drunk or Not Drunk?

How about this one,

"Then if I were a planet made out of butter pecan ice cream I would call myself 'Chester: The Planet made from Butter Pecan Ice Cream'. That would be so awesome."

Drunk or Not Drunk?

"So, when someone ask you 'Who would win in a fight, Neo or Obi Wan?', you can confidently say 'That Glove guy from Hamburger Helper."


I started another blog, because it makes me feel special. It's called The Steaming Pile. If you go there now, before I wise up and delete it, there is a really stupid story. I mean REAL stupid! Just me acting drunk.

Update: Fedge finally woke up. The Steaming Pile is no more. Don't worry, he will most likely do something really stupid and start another blog that no one wants to read.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

For The Last Time

So, this one time me and my friend Francesco went to Toy's R Us dressed up as Barbara Streisand and Fred Savage. People left and right were coming up to me asking for Fred Savage's autograph. Yet, no one came up to Barbara/Francesco and asked for hers. I think this proves beyond a shadow of doubt that Fred Savage is better than Barbara Streisand. So now you can stop asking me.