TMNT

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for those of you who don't know. Although, the new ninja turtles movie takes place after the previous live action films. So, maybe the aren't teenage ninja anymore. I guess that's why they named the movie TMNT. Any who, TMNT is well worth the 10 bucks to get in the door, and I will most likely get it on DVD. It's not amazing, but there are a lot of things done right in TMNT.

After watching the movie, it felt like there were two writers working on this movie. One writing a story about the ongoing power struggle within the team between Leonardo and Raphael, which was written very well. Then a second writer telling the typical end of the world story, which ends up feeling like nothing more than what could have been squeezed into a half hour episode of Ninja Turtles. The Raph and Leo story is resolved about 15 minutes before the end of the movie. Which makes the whole experience feel very anticlimactic. Add in the fact that there was no big final showdown between the good guys and the bad guys, the big "Oh no. The world is in danger" story in the film was all to easily resolved, and the final villians were disposed of with great ease. Add it all together and you are left with disappointment.

It also felt like two different people were writing the puns and gags. Some of them were great. Others are the type of obvious humor you would find on Saturday morning.

Yet, I did say that I would probably buy this movie. That is because the story between Raph and Leo is really well done. Hope this isn't a spoiler, but the best, and most likely only, fight seen you may remember from this movie happens between Raph and Leo. I felt totally involved in what was happening between them. I really can't say more without giving much away. But I can say this, the fight seen in the rain between brothers, single handedly save TMNT.

The animation is really nice looking as well. Most of the human characters have that "Incredibles" look about them. While the Turtles have great detail in there animation but still don't look out of place with their human companions.

I will now reference you back to what I said about Expectations and Disappointment. The more I expect from a movie the easier it is to be left with disappointment. The less I expect from a movie, then I will be more likely I will be pleasantly surprised by it. TMNT falls under the latter. I watched a bunch of clips on IGN, and really thought this movie was going to suck. But, it was good. Which made it feel like it was really good.

It's always good to relive those childhood memories. It is hard to mess up a movie that had the ninja turtles at it's core. TMNT left me wanting more, not completely in a good way, not in a bad way either. Overall, I really think they can do better than this, and I hope they do.

One last thing, do you remember the ending to Batman Begins? You know the part where they lead you to believe that the Joker is going to be in the next movie? Well they have something like that in this movie. The big difference between the two is that the one in Batman made me say, "OH SWEET! THE JOKER!" The one in TMNT made me say, "Uh, they could have been a little more specific." If your a moron what I am about to say may be a spoiler for you.

They hint at Shredder being in the next movie. They do it in a way that isn't very exciting. Hey! At least they tried.

Not So Dreamy

Oh man blogger, I had the craziest dream last night. I had a dream that I had my very own blog. It was the best looking blog. I had a currently reading section and links to my favorite sites. It was great. Then I dreamed that I never updated it. I just let it sit there and grow mold. Even though there was tons of stuff to write about. Like how my new job is going, and my review of the Ninja Turtles movie. Even a blog on how I define the term "Man Crush".

That's when I realized it wasn't a dream. I have been neglecting you. I am so sorry blogger. Maybe I will update you next week, OK.

Worst Best Man Toast Ever!

I was the best man in a wedding today for the first time in my life. As far as the wedding goes it's easy stuff. Just stand there and give the pastor the ring, then smile like it wasn't you that just farted.

Then there is the matter of the toast.

My wife warned me, "Honey, you need to think about what you are going to say when you get up there."

"Naw, I can ad lib."

I got up in front of the mic, looked out to the crowd, and my mind said, "I got nothin!"

I was trying to say something to the tune of "put your wifes needs before your own." Which I did say. But, the statement I used when referring to "putting your wifes needs before your own", was "Doing it." So the speech sounded a lot more like this:

"When you do it, do it to your wife first. Because when you do it to your wife and your wife does it to you, you both get done. When your wife does it to you, don't forget her needs, do it back to her. Me and my wife do it all the time, and we love it. The feeling you will get can only come from one place, and that's when you do it together. So, don't not do it, it's better when you do it."

I hang my head in shame.

Future Scalzi Review

On John Scalzi's blog he is giving away a free copy of his new book to whoever writes that best review of a book he has yet to write. Here is my entry.

It was funny the first time. Yet, John Scalzi has found a way to convince TOR to release his new novel that can only be summed up as “The first chapter of The Androids Dream, only 300 pages long.”

John Scalzi’s “aliens that speak in odors” idea first popped up in his “not meant for mass consumption” novel Agent to the Stars. It worked then. It was new and it wasn’t the driving force behind the story. Then, in The Androids Dream, another alien race has the similar way of communicating. This leads to an assassination, with the assassin using a device in his rectum and farts his enemy to death. Again, this was only a fraction of the story. Both of these novels have great characters and are great reads. Not because of the flatulence, but because they were written before John ran out of ideas.

Now all we are left with is The Putrid Crater. A heart-warming tale of an alien race that finds their fecal matter to be a thing of worship. This species is also looking to the stars for the first signs of intelligent life. While sending out a “sniff rover” to every plant they come across, the Clowiuin aliens happen upon a red planet that has no intelligent life and broken rolling objects. The aliens quickly learn that they belong to a blue planet that happens to be in the neighborhood. Before the aliens decide to make them selves know to the “half-haired” creatures, they watch.

They notice that the humans don’t save their poo. As a matter of fact they evacuate it from their homes as soon as it arrives. Fortunately for the humans, the Clowiuin’s are a race of tolerance, and they want to teach the humans how to properly deal with the holy goods. All I am going to say is that when humans get married they save a piece of cake for their first anniversary. Well, in The Putrid Crater, the humans adopt a new wedding tradition that is similar only in that they save something for a year, what that something is and what they do with it I will spare you from.

This book covers about every way a person could misuse human excrement. After the first three chapters I realized that John Scalzi has given up on coming up with anything new. I hope I am wrong, but it seems that gone are the days of books like Old Man’s War and The Androids Dream. Now all we have to look forward to are retellings of Beavis and Butt-head stories set in an already explored Sci-Fi universe.

Ghost Rider

There is just something about superhero movies. The plot can stink. They dialog can be on par with Star Wars Episode III. Yet when you first see one of your favorite heroes suit up or flame on or whatever, for the first time, it doesn't matter what crap has happened before. All is right in the world. Especially if the the superhero at hand has a flaming skull for a head and rides a motorcycle that's on fire! Why, with that kind of source material you could have crappy acting, one of the worst screenplays you could find, and a choppy storyline. And that's just what the makers of Ghost Rider went out and got.

Ghost Rider is so filled with cliches, it's... it's... well, it just sucks thats all. Jeez! All of the villains are over dramatic. Most of the time they can't make it to the end of a sentence with out using a noise filter to make them sound "really" evil. Apparently to be a villain you must wear a long trench coat, and get your makeup done up to look like a 5 year old that got in her mom stash.

The acting by the villains is amazing. I think I know where they got most of these guys from.

"Welcome have a seat. Now just relax, it's just an audition. First, tell us what acting you have done."

"Well, I never really had an acting job before. But, I have been rejected by numerous b-rate TV shows."

"Really, like who?"

"Let's see, there is Buffy, Walker Texas Ranger, The Power Rangers, and Walker Texas Power Ranger. Oh, but I was in the second Mortal Kombat movie."

"Fantastic! That is the caliber acting we are going for. You see we already blew our budget on Nick Cage. How does $5 bucks and a pack of Ho-Ho's sound?"

The dialog is the worst I have ever seen in a superhero movie. Picture this, Ghost Rider is meeting his enemy for the first time. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. You just witness Nick Cage make a dramatic transformation into Ghost Rider. That's when he is going to drop his first witty comment, "You're going down!"

Uhh... right. You're going down? WOW! Amazing! That is a moment in film history that you will never forget. "I'm talking to the fire that is in me, let me take control" is yet another poorly thought out sentence. It's a good thing they don't let this guy direct films.

Wait.

What?

OH CRAP! He is the director too! Ouch, when you said you were cutting the budget, you really meant it.

There really isn't much going right for this movie. Other than a guy on fire on a bike on fire.

This is the only superhero movie where the hero dispenses of all of his foes very quickly. There is a brief moment when Ghost Rider is challenged in this movie. But, luckily the main villain is an idiot and follows Ghost Rider right into and obvious trap.

There are a ton of movies I am looking forward to this year. Thankfully they can only get better.

February Finally Gets Some Bloggin' Love

February gets riped-off!

It's the shortest month of the year, no paid holidays, and we are 10 days in and I haven't updated my blog.

I have an excuse, kinda. I was on an impromptu vacation.

I either got fired, or laid off, or quit working at the store in January. I am really unclear on this, but all I know is I don't work there anymore. So, updating wasn't a problem.

I set off on the job hunting trail again, and ended up doing sales for a very large and well respected company. I gots mad benefits, DOG! It pays well and hooks yo homeboy up with da crazy insane plika plow.

Plika plow...? Uhh.. moving on.

Well, working where I am working, it is rather difficult to update my blog. Thus, no post in February until now. But, that's all going to change, sort of. I am going to try to update my blog at home now. There is a certain level of discipline that goes into maintaining this blog. Not much, but discipline none the less. You have to get off the couch. Go to the office. Log in. Then to top it off, I got to think of stuff and write it. Pshh... like I want to do that. It's easier to blog at work.

Digestion

Right now as I type this blog, many things are being set in motion. All of which are taking place in my lower intestine. Me and my wife went out to eat fish and chips last night. Well, I had fish and chips. She substituted her fries for broccoli, a decision I wish I had made. I don't think I am backed up, but plika plow, my junk hurts inside. As much as I blog about bad food, you think I would learn. I hate greasy food, but it taste SO GOOD! Fish and chips with malt vinegar...mmmm. (drool) Would it really hurt me to sub the fries, probably not. But they give you a whole lot a malt vinegar and so little fish. I gots to get that vinegar in my belly, and I can't just sit there and drink it. People would see me do it and try it. Then they would all get addicted and we would have a malt vinegar shortage. Then what the hell am I going to put on my fish. Nope, the best idea it to eat the fries with the vinegar. I mean, I can't let the vinegar go uneaten. So, my penalty for gluttony is having to grab my side like I ran 20 feet and needed to catch my breath. That didn't stop me from eating free cake from Kitchen and Spice, and a half a cinnamon roll from The Fresh Market. Sorry colon.

Plus, we didn't get no hush puppies! Plus, it took over a half hour to get our food. PLUS, when we complained to the manager he didn't try to make it right. "What do you want me to do to make this right for you?" Granted he probably was running around apologizing to everyone, but dang, your the manager, you tell me how your going to make it right. When we pay for food and wait a half hour and don't gets dem hushies! Alls I gots to say is PLIKA PLOW!

Funnel Cakes and Fair Food

This weekend was the medieval fair.

There is nothing quite like hanging out with a bunch of dorks dressed up like their favorite characters from Lord of the Rings. It's wonderful to hear them refer to themselves with their made up medieval names. "Sir Grubinground: Captain of the Rolariand Fleet."

Dorks will normally leave to alone in the real world, but once to step into their territory they get all cocky. They will yell at you and demand you play their ridiculous impossible to win games. "Throws some balls at some stuff, and if you can knock down all 54 targets with 3 balls we will give you this cheap nick-nack that we got for a quarter at the Food Lion. Don't miss out on this opportunity to waist your money."

Me and my family went on Saturday. My better half was trying to advise me to eat before we went. My response was, "Half the fun of going to the fair is eating the food." I am not the only one who thinks this way, my mother also shares my opinion. But once I got to the fair I realized that most of the food they serve is made by the shadiest of people. They don't wear hair nets at the fair. I didn't see any health inspectors coming through. I did see long haired ho-bo's making my french fries.

"So, what do you do when your not slinging overpriced grease?"

"Oh, I sit on the interstate on-ramp and try to bum a ride."

"Fantastic. By the way, your mullet is dipping into the funnel cake mix."

I had the "fish and chips." Which by its self, not that bad. My problem was the rabbit turds in the bottom of the malt vinegar. But hey, "When in Rome, eat and don't ask questions."

I think the only thing worse than a chili dog from Krystal's, is a funnel cake. I know they will make me sick, but when someone offers a bite, I can't help but to indulge myself. Funnel cake is like a sponge. When you cook fries in a deep fryer, you are usually left with oil in the fryer. Not funnel cakes. Drop a funnel cake in and all the grease that was in your cooker is now on the inside of that carbohydrate H-Bomb. Don't believe me! Ask your self this, what color was the powdered sugar on your last funnel cake? I know is wasn't white! Remember what they say about yellow snow? Well that applies here.

Funnel cakes aren't like Krystal's. You can get away with eating one bite of a Krystal burger and not get sick. With funnel cakes, one bite is enough.

"Honey, I am feeling a tingling down my arm."

"Me too, but my hair is also falling out by the handful, damn funnel cake!"

A funnel cake is like a pancake, inside a waffle, inside a doughnut.

Oh, I imagine the next time I go to a fair I will get some food from some shady vendor. I am just going to try and stay away from the turducken of pastries.