It's Christmas morning. I get up, turn on the Christmas lights, and light the candles. I wake my wife up saying, "It's Christmas, lets get going." I know she will take a few moments to get out of bed.
I go to the computer and log on to my fantasy group. I am in a game I have every intention of losing at. The person I am playing is arrogant and cocky (he is also a good friend). The kind of person you take pleasure in defeating at a meaningless game. If I win, I go to the championship game. If I lose, I go to play in the Preparation H Bowl.
In my fantasy group, they have what they call "Smack Talk". A two sentence blurb that you can edit to, well, talk smack. I was relevied to log on and see his smack talk, "No profanity can express my anger right now. This is the worst Christmas ever."
I was winning 60-40! I have never enjoyed ruining someones day, much less Christmas, but dang that felt good.
I know that I most likely will lose in the final game against "The Meat Spinners". Mainly because we got into a huge who is gay insult contest. I feel I made him feel more gay than he made me feel. That's why I think I won't win this Sunday. But at the same time, I have beat "The Meat Spinners" every time I have played him this year. I got that going for me.
If I win, it will be the biggest sports achievement I have ever been a part of since I won back to back national titles in NCAA Football 2007 for the XBOX.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
An Interview with Norton G. Francenstien
Hello, this is Alberto Richards with Book Readers Quarterly except in June when we release 8 Issues. We recently had the chance to sit down with not so famous blog author Norton G. Francenstien aka The Amazing Fedge. The reason we picked Norton as our subject for this issue of BRQEIJWWR8I, is because our sales and journalistic integrity have been dwindling, and he is the only one stupid enough to do an interview with us. So with out further ado here is our interview with Norton G. Francenstien.
AR:Thank you Norton for coming to talk with us.
NGF:No problem.
AR:Lets get to it. You have been writing your blog for over six months now. How do you feel about the public response so far?
NGF:Well that depends on who you ask. If you were to ask actual living people, their response would most likely be, "Who the hell is Norton G. Francenstien?" or "Why would I read something called Dumb Stuff I Wrote?" But, If you were to ask my imaginary hoard of readers the response would be very positive, indeed. I think I have changed the lives of many imaginary readers. A blog ceases to be a blog when you are restoring peace to an imaginary humanity.
(At this point, your humble interviewer realized what a mistake I was making interviewing this guy. I still needed my story, so despite what my brain was telling me, I pressed in further.)
AR:Wow! That really is something. Do you ever look back and wish that you had spent the time you spent on your blog, on something a little more productive than writing to a invisible audience?
NGF:Sometimes, I really think I could have gotten a good bit of Madden 07 in.
AR:And you think that is more productive than writing to no one?
NGF:Uh, winning the Super Bowl isn't a big deal to you?
AR:Lets move on. You often post negative reviews of restaurants you have been to. Are there any restaurants you like?
NGF:Oh yeah, I like Millhopper Cafe, Caraba's Italian Grill, Adam's Rib Co, and The Fresh Market. They all make my face melt off.
AR:And your face getting melted off is a good thing?
NGF:Usually. Sometimes, if you go into Taco Bell your face will melt off. But that is just because when they cook the "meat", it releases chemicals into the air, and they cause your flesh to be eaten away. Taco Bell has had to put in place a defense force to keep terrorist from finding out about their "Grade E" meat.
AR:Right. You also write a little bit about sports. How do you feel about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this season?
NGF:You might as well ask how I feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles.
AR:How do you feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles?
NGF:It's OK, I guess.
AR:Who is going to win the Super Bowl this year, in real life, not in Madden?
NGF:I hope you are writing this down, because in February you can come back to me and congratulate me on being completely accurate. The winners of Super Bowl XLI will be:Not the Bucs.
AR:Let's move away from sports, since it seems to be getting us nowhere. You are a reader of Sci-Fi and Fantasy, do you have any plans to write a story in the future?
NGF:Yes, I am currently work on a story about what is going to happen if the Krystal's franchise is not brought to it's knees. It isn't really hard to write, since Krystal's has already started trying to weaken the defense of America. They have these things called combos at Krystal's. They often ask if you want to get the combo. A combo comes with fries. FRIES! The last thing anyone needs to eat after eating 3 Krystal burgers is deep fried carbohydrates. It is obvious to me they want to cause the world a great deal of harm. I just don't know why we haven't seen it yet.
AR:You really don't stray much from the food topic do you? Well, I am just going to wrap this up, because the longer this interviews goes, the less and less likely I feel that it will actually get published. Is there anything you would like to tell our audience before we go.
NGF:When life hands you lemons, pelt life in the face with those very same lemons.
AR:Words of truth if ever their were any.
AR:Thank you Norton for coming to talk with us.
NGF:No problem.
AR:Lets get to it. You have been writing your blog for over six months now. How do you feel about the public response so far?
NGF:Well that depends on who you ask. If you were to ask actual living people, their response would most likely be, "Who the hell is Norton G. Francenstien?" or "Why would I read something called Dumb Stuff I Wrote?" But, If you were to ask my imaginary hoard of readers the response would be very positive, indeed. I think I have changed the lives of many imaginary readers. A blog ceases to be a blog when you are restoring peace to an imaginary humanity.
(At this point, your humble interviewer realized what a mistake I was making interviewing this guy. I still needed my story, so despite what my brain was telling me, I pressed in further.)
AR:Wow! That really is something. Do you ever look back and wish that you had spent the time you spent on your blog, on something a little more productive than writing to a invisible audience?
NGF:Sometimes, I really think I could have gotten a good bit of Madden 07 in.
AR:And you think that is more productive than writing to no one?
NGF:Uh, winning the Super Bowl isn't a big deal to you?
AR:Lets move on. You often post negative reviews of restaurants you have been to. Are there any restaurants you like?
NGF:Oh yeah, I like Millhopper Cafe, Caraba's Italian Grill, Adam's Rib Co, and The Fresh Market. They all make my face melt off.
AR:And your face getting melted off is a good thing?
NGF:Usually. Sometimes, if you go into Taco Bell your face will melt off. But that is just because when they cook the "meat", it releases chemicals into the air, and they cause your flesh to be eaten away. Taco Bell has had to put in place a defense force to keep terrorist from finding out about their "Grade E" meat.
AR:Right. You also write a little bit about sports. How do you feel about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this season?
NGF:You might as well ask how I feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles.
AR:How do you feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles?
NGF:It's OK, I guess.
AR:Who is going to win the Super Bowl this year, in real life, not in Madden?
NGF:I hope you are writing this down, because in February you can come back to me and congratulate me on being completely accurate. The winners of Super Bowl XLI will be:Not the Bucs.
AR:Let's move away from sports, since it seems to be getting us nowhere. You are a reader of Sci-Fi and Fantasy, do you have any plans to write a story in the future?
NGF:Yes, I am currently work on a story about what is going to happen if the Krystal's franchise is not brought to it's knees. It isn't really hard to write, since Krystal's has already started trying to weaken the defense of America. They have these things called combos at Krystal's. They often ask if you want to get the combo. A combo comes with fries. FRIES! The last thing anyone needs to eat after eating 3 Krystal burgers is deep fried carbohydrates. It is obvious to me they want to cause the world a great deal of harm. I just don't know why we haven't seen it yet.
AR:You really don't stray much from the food topic do you? Well, I am just going to wrap this up, because the longer this interviews goes, the less and less likely I feel that it will actually get published. Is there anything you would like to tell our audience before we go.
NGF:When life hands you lemons, pelt life in the face with those very same lemons.
AR:Words of truth if ever their were any.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
BFTSOB 5: Living up to the name "Dumb Stuff I Wrote!"
I have received a number of complaints (well, one complaint, by Shane), saying I don't blog enough.
Have you read a blog by me that I did just because there was nothing else to do but blog.
It would sound a little a-like-a-dis...
So, me and Luke Wilson were hanging out at a Taco Bell talking about our theological views. I was on my second bean burrito and Luke was finishing up his double dump chalupa when Dick Clark came in the door counting down to the year 2007. Now, when this happened it was the middle of November, so you can imagine our surprise. He still had a lot of seconds to go. The last time I saw Dick Clark in a Taco Bell , he entered himself in the 2001 Taco Bell celebrity "Eat until you pass out" contest. If you remember correctly it was the event that Ben Affleck, Snoop Dogg, and John Tesh were all hospitalized at. Most of them on there third bag of cinnacrisp. But not Dick Clark, his iron stomach never gave in.
But I digress, I looked at Luke and gave him the code word, "Twinkie". He knew that this meant to lay down suppressive fire. Luke whipped out his Uzi and emptied his clip forcing all the taco bell workers to duck for cover. I took this moment to hop over the counter and into the grease laden kitchen where they make the "food". I snatched up all the toys that go in the kids meals. They were toys based on the movie Fast Getaway staring Corey Haim.
I heard a click. "I'm out!", Luke yelled at me.
AHHHHH!! OK, I am going to stop now. Do you see where this is going. I was trying to stop posting blogs like this. Me, writing about the first thing that comes to mind is a dangerous thing. Especially for Dick Clark.
Why can't I blog about normal things, like this sore in the back of my mouth. Have you ever had some one stab you in the mouth with a tooth pick covered in Texas Pete's Wing sauce. No? Well, I guess you don't hang out at Jimmy's House of Lacerations. Any who, that's what it feels like. I have been using that sore throat numbing spray. It helps, but the after taste leaves me feeling like I ate a rusty microwave.
I started reading Nobody Gets the Girl by James Maxey. It calls its self a comic book novel. The main characters name is Richard Rogers. After Dr. Know goes back in time and accidentally erases Richard from existence (kind of). Richard awakes in his own house and finds that he and his wife don't live there anymore, but in his place in another married couple. After repeated attempts to talk to the new tenets of the house, he soon finds out that he is invisible and is unable to be heard.
Dr. Know knows that he has erased Richards past. He takes him from his old house and brings him to a mansion. Dr. Know is able to see Richard because he believes he exist. Apparently this is genetic, because his two daughters also can see him as well.
I really like it so far.
Well, that's it I'm done blogging for today. I think some people just need to learn patience.
Have you read a blog by me that I did just because there was nothing else to do but blog.
It would sound a little a-like-a-dis...
So, me and Luke Wilson were hanging out at a Taco Bell talking about our theological views. I was on my second bean burrito and Luke was finishing up his double dump chalupa when Dick Clark came in the door counting down to the year 2007. Now, when this happened it was the middle of November, so you can imagine our surprise. He still had a lot of seconds to go. The last time I saw Dick Clark in a Taco Bell , he entered himself in the 2001 Taco Bell celebrity "Eat until you pass out" contest. If you remember correctly it was the event that Ben Affleck, Snoop Dogg, and John Tesh were all hospitalized at. Most of them on there third bag of cinnacrisp. But not Dick Clark, his iron stomach never gave in.
But I digress, I looked at Luke and gave him the code word, "Twinkie". He knew that this meant to lay down suppressive fire. Luke whipped out his Uzi and emptied his clip forcing all the taco bell workers to duck for cover. I took this moment to hop over the counter and into the grease laden kitchen where they make the "food". I snatched up all the toys that go in the kids meals. They were toys based on the movie Fast Getaway staring Corey Haim.
I heard a click. "I'm out!", Luke yelled at me.
AHHHHH!! OK, I am going to stop now. Do you see where this is going. I was trying to stop posting blogs like this. Me, writing about the first thing that comes to mind is a dangerous thing. Especially for Dick Clark.
Why can't I blog about normal things, like this sore in the back of my mouth. Have you ever had some one stab you in the mouth with a tooth pick covered in Texas Pete's Wing sauce. No? Well, I guess you don't hang out at Jimmy's House of Lacerations. Any who, that's what it feels like. I have been using that sore throat numbing spray. It helps, but the after taste leaves me feeling like I ate a rusty microwave.
I started reading Nobody Gets the Girl by James Maxey. It calls its self a comic book novel. The main characters name is Richard Rogers. After Dr. Know goes back in time and accidentally erases Richard from existence (kind of). Richard awakes in his own house and finds that he and his wife don't live there anymore, but in his place in another married couple. After repeated attempts to talk to the new tenets of the house, he soon finds out that he is invisible and is unable to be heard.
Dr. Know knows that he has erased Richards past. He takes him from his old house and brings him to a mansion. Dr. Know is able to see Richard because he believes he exist. Apparently this is genetic, because his two daughters also can see him as well.
I really like it so far.
Well, that's it I'm done blogging for today. I think some people just need to learn patience.
Best of 2006 1.5
In the books section of my Best of 2006 post I said I don't read that many books that come out in a given year.
Well, I just finished The Ghost Brigades by John Scalzi, and this is best book of 2006.
It is a stand alone follow up to his 2005 novel Old Man's War, which is also great.
So there. Go read it or know that you missed out on the book Norton G. Francenstien called the best book of the year.
Just so you know, John Scalzi also got the Hugo award for best new author, so you know it's not just me.
Well, I just finished The Ghost Brigades by John Scalzi, and this is best book of 2006.
It is a stand alone follow up to his 2005 novel Old Man's War, which is also great.
So there. Go read it or know that you missed out on the book Norton G. Francenstien called the best book of the year.
Just so you know, John Scalzi also got the Hugo award for best new author, so you know it's not just me.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Empire and the Bad Book Bug
Even the best of authors can write bad stories.
Orson Scott Card is by far my favorite author, but Empire is bad. Card's writing is great. I have read more than twenty of his novels. I love Ender's Game, Ender's Shadow, The Alvin Maker Series, Treasure Box, and Lost Boys. Most everything I have ever read from Card was engrossing and fulfilling.
But not Empire. It is mostly uninteresting. The first two hundred pages are readable, but after that it slows down.
Empire is a new near future work of Science Fiction that has America in the second civil war. After the President is assassinated, the Protagonist Reuben becomes the prime suspect. For good reason too, his assignment for the pentagon had him looking for possible ways to assassinate the President. He quickly realizes that the report he filled has been leaked, and now the leader of the US is dead, as is the Vice President.
The Speaker of the House takes over a president, and it soon becomes clear to him and Reuben that these plans were leaked to place the blame on the US military and Reuben. When Reuben and his new assistant, Cole, go to visit New York City, they find them selves under attack. The city has been overtaken by Mechs (see the Hoth battle in Empire Strikes Back).
It turns out that these attacks are being planed by the extremist liberals. The next civil war is between the red states and the blue states.
Usually, I find my self agreeing with most of OSC political views. I don't dislike this book because of Card's viewpoints, but for the same reason I dislike most of the Christian Fiction that has come out as of late. There is something other than a great story that is getting across here.
This book is based on an upcoming video game. Which should be the first hint that this book wasn't going to be up to the level of Card's previous works. The publishers of the game had certain things that needed to happen in the story. I think one of the things was the mechs. But being under that requirement, being in the box, must have effected his writing. I found myself skimming the last hundred pages. I NEVER SKIM. I like eating up every morsel that a story has to offer. But, I could not wait to get this one over with.
Which leads me to the bad book bug. Anytime I read a bad book, I over analyze why a book is bad. Then, when I start a new book, I start analyzing it. Reading works better for me when I just sit back relax and enjoy the story. It usually takes a couple of days for me to get over the bad book bug.
Last month, I read a book by John Scalzi called Old Man's War. It was fantastic, reminded me a lot of Ender's Game. Probably because it's military fiction. I started The Ghost Brigades, the sequel to Old Man's War. I am enjoying it, but I would be enjoying it a lot more if I could just get over this bug. Argg!
Orson Scott Card is by far my favorite author, but Empire is bad. Card's writing is great. I have read more than twenty of his novels. I love Ender's Game, Ender's Shadow, The Alvin Maker Series, Treasure Box, and Lost Boys. Most everything I have ever read from Card was engrossing and fulfilling.
But not Empire. It is mostly uninteresting. The first two hundred pages are readable, but after that it slows down.
Empire is a new near future work of Science Fiction that has America in the second civil war. After the President is assassinated, the Protagonist Reuben becomes the prime suspect. For good reason too, his assignment for the pentagon had him looking for possible ways to assassinate the President. He quickly realizes that the report he filled has been leaked, and now the leader of the US is dead, as is the Vice President.
The Speaker of the House takes over a president, and it soon becomes clear to him and Reuben that these plans were leaked to place the blame on the US military and Reuben. When Reuben and his new assistant, Cole, go to visit New York City, they find them selves under attack. The city has been overtaken by Mechs (see the Hoth battle in Empire Strikes Back).
It turns out that these attacks are being planed by the extremist liberals. The next civil war is between the red states and the blue states.
Usually, I find my self agreeing with most of OSC political views. I don't dislike this book because of Card's viewpoints, but for the same reason I dislike most of the Christian Fiction that has come out as of late. There is something other than a great story that is getting across here.
This book is based on an upcoming video game. Which should be the first hint that this book wasn't going to be up to the level of Card's previous works. The publishers of the game had certain things that needed to happen in the story. I think one of the things was the mechs. But being under that requirement, being in the box, must have effected his writing. I found myself skimming the last hundred pages. I NEVER SKIM. I like eating up every morsel that a story has to offer. But, I could not wait to get this one over with.
Which leads me to the bad book bug. Anytime I read a bad book, I over analyze why a book is bad. Then, when I start a new book, I start analyzing it. Reading works better for me when I just sit back relax and enjoy the story. It usually takes a couple of days for me to get over the bad book bug.
Last month, I read a book by John Scalzi called Old Man's War. It was fantastic, reminded me a lot of Ender's Game. Probably because it's military fiction. I started The Ghost Brigades, the sequel to Old Man's War. I am enjoying it, but I would be enjoying it a lot more if I could just get over this bug. Argg!
Monday, December 11, 2006
The Fresh Market
Who knew going to the super market was so fun? I'm not talking about Super Target where you can buy groceries and a plasma television. I'm talking about a place that only sells food. NO, not Mickey D's. That place will cause you to crap out your gal bladder, even though their fries are awesome.
I am talking about a bona fide grocery store. The Fresh Market, fools!
Both me and my wife have started shopping at the new store in town, and we peed our pants all up and down that place with excitement. There is something for everyone. Like a meat section that will make a vegan convert. Produce that looks like, well, like it hasn't been sitting in the back for three weeks. A deli that has nice people working in it. Not to mention that what they make in the deli, like chicken and ribs, are great. I haven't tried the ribs but soon and very soon I will. Can you say bulk candy? Yeah, little gummy cola bottles here I come.
Oh, but I saved the best for last. They have a bakery that will melt your face. One look at their cakes, pies, and pastries and you will be saying, "Well, weighing 300 pounds can't be all that bad."
We bought many different things in the two time we have been there. But the bacon takes the cake. They have bacon that will melt your face. Oh... wait, I used that one. They have bacon that will shave you back for you. Yeah, it's good stuff. We cooked up some on Sunday morning and the house smelled like bacon the whole day. And that's not a bad thing when bacon smells like their bacon does. Which smells awesome. The smell will singe your nose hairs.
They have great atmosphere, customer service, and stuff you just can't find anywhere else. There is nothing quite like spending a Sunday afternoon drinking up their free wine and apple cider.
I love looking into the faces of my fellow shoppers and see a combination of glee and intoxication.
I felt like I was walking through Willie Wonka's Room where everything was edible.
I am talking about a bona fide grocery store. The Fresh Market, fools!
Both me and my wife have started shopping at the new store in town, and we peed our pants all up and down that place with excitement. There is something for everyone. Like a meat section that will make a vegan convert. Produce that looks like, well, like it hasn't been sitting in the back for three weeks. A deli that has nice people working in it. Not to mention that what they make in the deli, like chicken and ribs, are great. I haven't tried the ribs but soon and very soon I will. Can you say bulk candy? Yeah, little gummy cola bottles here I come.
Oh, but I saved the best for last. They have a bakery that will melt your face. One look at their cakes, pies, and pastries and you will be saying, "Well, weighing 300 pounds can't be all that bad."
We bought many different things in the two time we have been there. But the bacon takes the cake. They have bacon that will melt your face. Oh... wait, I used that one. They have bacon that will shave you back for you. Yeah, it's good stuff. We cooked up some on Sunday morning and the house smelled like bacon the whole day. And that's not a bad thing when bacon smells like their bacon does. Which smells awesome. The smell will singe your nose hairs.
They have great atmosphere, customer service, and stuff you just can't find anywhere else. There is nothing quite like spending a Sunday afternoon drinking up their free wine and apple cider.
I love looking into the faces of my fellow shoppers and see a combination of glee and intoxication.
I felt like I was walking through Willie Wonka's Room where everything was edible.
Friday, December 08, 2006
The Best of 2006
I hate media. All of it, without exception. Movies, music, games, books, you name it, I can't stand.
Well, except for all the I thought was awesome that came out this year.
Music
Stadium Arcadium by Red Hot Chili Peppers, My Island by Starflyer 59, The Best-Worst Case Scenario by Fair, The Crane Wife by The Decemberist, Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes, ...and the Summertime Pool Party by Pigeon John.
Movies
Monster House, Walk the Line, Nanny McPhee, and Superman Returns
Thats about it on the movies this year. Kinda slow year.
Books
I don't read a lot of books on the year they came out. Most of the time I pick them up years down after their release. The books I did read that came out in 2006 were House and Saint by Ted Dekker, The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly, and The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor. The only one I would suggest to you is Looking Glass Wars. It's and alternate version of Alice and Wonderland, and it turned out pretty well.
Games
Year in and year out, my favorite game is usually a sports title, except for the year that Halo 2 came out, and this year. Although NCAA Football 07 is amazing and I still play it a couple times a week.
The best game that came out in 2006 is New Super Mario Bros. It was outselling all other games on all other systems for months. It plays like a dream.
The other great games game of 2006 I played were, Far Cry Instincts (XBox), Yoshi's Island (DS), Tetris (DS), and Club House Games (DS).
In Conclusion
Well, 2006 was awesome. I got married in 2006, what did you do?
Well, except for all the I thought was awesome that came out this year.
Music
Stadium Arcadium by Red Hot Chili Peppers, My Island by Starflyer 59, The Best-Worst Case Scenario by Fair, The Crane Wife by The Decemberist, Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes, ...and the Summertime Pool Party by Pigeon John.
Movies
Monster House, Walk the Line, Nanny McPhee, and Superman Returns
Thats about it on the movies this year. Kinda slow year.
Books
I don't read a lot of books on the year they came out. Most of the time I pick them up years down after their release. The books I did read that came out in 2006 were House and Saint by Ted Dekker, The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly, and The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor. The only one I would suggest to you is Looking Glass Wars. It's and alternate version of Alice and Wonderland, and it turned out pretty well.
Games
Year in and year out, my favorite game is usually a sports title, except for the year that Halo 2 came out, and this year. Although NCAA Football 07 is amazing and I still play it a couple times a week.
The best game that came out in 2006 is New Super Mario Bros. It was outselling all other games on all other systems for months. It plays like a dream.
The other great games game of 2006 I played were, Far Cry Instincts (XBox), Yoshi's Island (DS), Tetris (DS), and Club House Games (DS).
In Conclusion
Well, 2006 was awesome. I got married in 2006, what did you do?
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