Fantasy Update

I have 2 fantasy hockey teams, 2 basketball teams, 2 football teams, and 3 Pick em' style teams.

You may ask, "How do you handle all that fantasy?"

Easy, I just do them at work. Well, that is until my management team decided we should be working at work and not surfing the internet. Whatever!

The problem isn't so much with Football teams, but the basketball and hockey I need to log on everyday and make sure I have my rosters set. That's easy when you have all the time in the world at work. But now I have to do it from home. It's not all that much worse, but it's easier to make sure that you fantasy team is running at it's fullest capabilities when you have time to do he research.

Oh well.

Last year I won my Fantasy football league. This year, I am overall first in my league going into the playoffs, which only means that I have a bye week in the first round. So I have to win two more games in a row, and I will repeat as champion. Good luck to me. Here's looking at you, ROMO!

Happy Thanksgiving

Hey look over here, I'm posting.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

My Thanksgiving featured turkey, homemade bread, sweet potato casserole, jell-o and strawberry soup, Stove Top stuffing, mashed potatoes, wine, water, green beans, dog bites, blood, Wii Bowling, and YouTube favorites.

Turkey was good, but I had to carve it. So, it ended up in a bunch of little pieces.

Homemade bread was also good. But I attempted to cut a slice for my sister. See comments about me carving turkey.

Sweet potato casserole was great. I was a little concerned about it considering that my sister made it and not my mom, but it turned out great.

Jell-o and Stawberry soup should have been a jell-o mold, but when I tried to take it out of the jell-o mold, well... once again see comments about me carving turkey. That's right little pieces.

You can't screw up Stove Top, it comes in little pieces!

Didn't eat the mashed potatoes.

Wine was so/so.

Water... don't really know what to add to that.

Green beans = Good

My sisters dog bit my brother.

Blood from the dog bite.

Wii Sports Bowling is still awesome.

And finally, me and my brother showed each other some of our favorite videos from YouTube.

That sums it up.

I would like to now say something off the topic of Thanksgiving. It has been a significant amount of time since I last posted. Me not blogging tends to be a bit of problem and I am tired of coming up with ways to insult myself about it. I don't know if I can keep this promise or not, but I will do my best to not mention my lack of blogging. I will just pretend that it is business as usual. Not that you care, being some one who doesn't actually exist. Unless your my wife, sister, or Von Urrich. You guys exist. J-Diggy Out!

End of Eternity

YES!!!

Baseball season is over! HELL YEAH! That crap takes for ever. All those crappy baseball highlights coming on when I am trying to get my nightly sports update. I am so glad.

Not only that, but NBA season starts tomorrow. I won't be getting the NBA league pass, just because I don't have enough time to watch it and the NHL Center Ice. My Sonics are going to suck. Then, once they are done sucking they are going to move to Oklahoma. Jerks!

Now is the best time to be a sports fan. My three favorite sports are going on all at the same time.

With that, I am in way too many fantasy leagues. Basketball, Hockey, Football, and er.. um.. nascar. I was just experimenting! Geez. Well if it makes you feel better I suck at Fantasy Nascar. I also guilt tripped my sister and my friend Mark in to playing Fantasy Nascar with me. I know when I look at my fantasy profile, and I see that Nascar on there, it makes me slightly embarrassed. Unfortunately it is on there for good now. Oh well, live and learn.

I HATE BASEBALL! I'm glad its over for now. WOOT!

Any Old Thing

Just to prove to you Dumb Stuff addicts that I am really back. I thought I would just write about the first thing that comes to my mind. We all know how dangerous that can be.

Watching the NHL!

I know it's like me and three other people watching, but it's still really fun. I also shelled out the money to get the NHL Center Ice package that gives me all the games. Let's face it, VS. airs about two games a week, and NBC airs about two games all season. So the only way I can get some games is to pay for it. Last season NBC cut away from a playoff game that was going to overtime, just to go to horse racing pregame. That's bullshonkey!

Bullshonkey!

Bullshonkey is my new curse word. Feel free to use it as much as you want. I want to see it in the dictionary. I also want to see kids get detention for using it. How awesome would it be to be the guy who coined a new curse word.

Not Going to the Theater

I haven't really gone to the movies in a while. The last movie I saw in a theater was Transformers, and that was in the dollar theater.

I have been watching movies on DVD.

Blades of Glory Sucked!

Pan's Labyrinth was awesome, but may be an acquired taste. Very violent and weird.

Office Season 3 is, as always, great.

Well, that's it for me... so go away. It may be another month before I post.

For being a random post, I think you got off easy.

Where the hell were you?

Dumb Stuff I Wrote: So, what is your malfuntion?

Norton G: What do you mean?

DSIW: You have not posted in more than a month. Where the hell were you?

NG: I was... doing stuff. I went on vacation, went to the book sale, and ate salmon. What were you up to?

DSIW: Well, let me think ass face. I sat on my butt and watched the same damn Flight of the Concords videos over and over. It was really... amazing. Thank you for abandoning me for a month with nothing but your poor taste in television programs to entertain myself with. THANKS!

NG: No Problem.

DSIW: That was sarcasm, you festering ball of dog snot.

NG: Hey, that reminds me Dumb Stuff, we got at cat!

DSIW: Oh... Sweet! When did you get him?

NG: About a month ago.

DSIW: $#*! A month ago. What the hell? You didn't even post a picture. That's what I am here for. TO POST CRAP LIKE THAT!

NG: Sorry. I have some pics I can upload.

DSIW: A bit late now crack head.

NG: How can I make this up to you?

DSIW: Well, posting would be a start. Update that currently reading thing. Finish it up with not being an idiot.

NG: I can to 2 out of 3.

DSIW: I guess you make being a moron... charming. Just post a picture of that cat and we will call it even.

NG: How about my new cat, Oliver, riding my older cat, Isaac?

DSIW: Perfect.

It's Not Like There is Nothing to Talk About!

I am just too lazy to say anything.

First off, we have a new cat, on accident. It was 10pm and my neighbor comes over and rings the door bell. He is standing there with the tiniest kitten I have seen.

"Did you lose something?"

"No, that's not my cat, but let me show my wife."

"OK, here is the cat, bye!"

So there you go. We have a new cat.

Fantasy football is back, and my draft is on Thursday, which is awesome. Gator football starts Saturday, and the pros kick-off in about a week. Life is good. Now if the endless baseball season would finish up everything would be dandy.

Yet Another Flight of The Conchords Post

MORE FOTC FOOL!










YEAH SON!

Challenge

Since I haven't blogged yet in the month of August, I thought I would try to see if I can make it through the entire month with out a post.

...hmmm

...uhhh...Oops!

So much for that!

Birthday Post

Being that today is my birthday and I haven't posted in a while, I thought it would be a good time to post something.

So... here is more FOTC. I'm too lazy to think of stuff to say.

My New Favorite Show

Now that I am done watching The Office on DVD till season three comes out, I thought it was time to find something else to watch. I just happened upon my new favorite show.

A TV show that gave us lines like "She so hot, She's making me sexist." Flight of the Concords on HBO. A show about a band. Here are some clips. Please ignore how the videos don't fit on my blog. Also, don't wait around for them to load, just hit play.

PUPdate

Well, we have had the old girl for a few days now. It has been a few days since she has pooped in her crate. It has been a few days since I have had a good nights rest.

She still barks through most of the night, but yesterday she went to the vet. We got some tranquilizers. Not is blow dart form. Bet I could have some fun with those when I teach kids church. They seem to zonk her for half of the night. She pees almost every time she is in her crate. I am starting to realize just how little work cats are. You just potty train then, tell them not to scratch every thing in the house and you are done.

If I tell people what the dog is putting me through they say, "She's just preparing you for parenthood."

Kids, let me tell you this now. I know your parents probably tell you this every time you ask for a puppy, but let me reassure you. Puppies are a lot of work and responsibility. We walk our dog nearly every hour. We get up at three in the morning to walk her so she won't poop in her crate. Tons of responsibility.

Part of the reason she went to the vet yesterday was because her sutures were coming undone and the cut on her belly where they did the neutering was gaping. Even worse, it was infected and they had to cut a lot of the flesh around the wound out and restitch it back up. So now she is groggy again. On top of that there is something wrong with her eye. We have to keep putting goop in it. She loves that.

I love this puppy, and I love sleep. I look forward to the day when I can enjoy both equally.

Hummna Hummna Hummna PUPPY!

This fine specimen is a female, part Labrador, part Leopard Hound. She is eight weeks old, and she is pissing off our cats, cause we just brought her home to live with us.

It's a good thing she is so cute, because she kept us up half the night last night. She also pissed on the carpet twice this morning. Her name is Georgiana, or Georgie, or Gigi.

Welcome home Georgie, now we got some work to do.

Evan Almighty

Evan Almighty is the best movie I have seen all year. It's funny and serious. It balances both perfectly.

I can easily say the Evan Almighty is better than Bruce Almighty. The story is better, the acting is better, and the emotion of the film is better. The only thing bad that can be said about it is it's not as funny as Bruce Almighty.

The biggest difference in the movie is, of course, the main character. Jim Carey is an over actor, a funny over actor. Steve Carell is a great actor. Funny, but subtly so. His comedy doesn't demand all of your attention. Thats why the movie isn't as funny as the first.

It is his great acting that takes a ridiculous situation and makes you care about what is going on. So, Evan is Moses. That concept is a hard one to work with, other than making it slap stick comedy. By the end of the movie, I was fully engrossed. I cared about what Evan had sacrificed to build the ark. I needed him to be right so the people who mocked him building the boat would be proven wrong.

I overheard a lady leaving the theater say that it was way better than the first one. "I was tearing up." The end of the movie is awesome. Great special effects help bring the movie to an awesome climax that is the icing for this sweet pastry of a movie.

Their is so much more so say, but dang, just go see it.

My Sister and Her Fascination with a Non-Existent Athlete

Who does your little sister have a crush on? Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Hedo Turkoglu?

Not my sister.

First off, I love sports video games. My favorite of which is NCAA Football. I remember one year I had a copy of NCAA Football that my sister got into. So much so, she would disappear in her room for a few hours. I would have to beg her to give me my game back.

My sister didn't play as the Gators, or the Buck Eyes, or even Hofstra. No, her team of choice was the Judah U. Buddhists.

Fred Savage: "Who the hell are the Judah U. Buddhists?"

Well Fred, they are the created university, named after a fake record label my sister made up. That's right fake record label! They had black and burgundy jerseys, and some weird shield thing for a logo.

She play with this team over and over. She play the same season multiple times. Never mind the fact that in this video game, as you played your players graduated and you recruited new players.

I think you could play up to 30 seasons. But my sister would only play the first three. Why? The reason for this is that she had a little thing for the fake, non-existent QB named D.D. Nix. Thats right! A QB that was named randomly by the computer. All I can do is shrug and shake my head. I don't really have much else to add to that. Thats my sister.

You see, after three seasons, D.D. Nix graduated. So she would just start the whole thing over again so she could play as Nix more.

To this day, if I bring up Mr. Nix, she will say stuff like, "I love D.D." or "I miss D.D. Nix."

She even tried recreating him on Madden NFL. "It's just not the same", she says.

That's my sister and I am not ashamed.

A Quick Word About Growing Older Terminology

What would happen if you, being a male, asked your male friend if he wanted to have a "sleep over?" My guess, assuming that you both are straight, you would be punched in the mouth.

"Hey dude, I just got Halo 14, you should come over and hang out!"

"Awesome! We could have a sleep over."

"Nevermind, I think I have to go... cheese shopping."

Oh, that didn't go so well. Let's try that again, with some different terminology.

"Hey dude, I just got Halo 14, you should come over and hang out!"

"Awesome! Hey would it be cool if I crashed at your place."

"Hell yeah man, we'll be pwning newbs all night long."

Ah, much better.

On a side note, how long do you think it will be before pwned is in the dictionary?

Swan, Tip, and Slash!

It started off like any other trip to the grocery store. We went up and down the isles picking out our items while looking around for free samples. Once the cart had enough weight in the basket, I started to ride the cart. I was weaving in and out of the isles. Gracefully knocking over the well organized displays. The casualties were at an all time low. My wife was complementing the easy with which I glided around the store.

We left the store, cart full of food. As we left, I approached the downhill ramp that lead out of the store. I looked left and looked right, then I rode down the ramp. One of my little brothers friends just happened to be around. He was so jealous of my skills.

We unloaded the cart. I was feeling pretty high. So I took one last ride on the cart. I was in the middle of my patented Swan Float (thats when you have just hands on the cart, no feet), when I realized that there wasn't anymore weight in the cart. The front of the cart jumped up, I fell to the ground, and the cart crashed with a loud clatter.

My pride wounded, I got up and dusted my self off. "Get in the car honey, lets get out of here."

Nearly the entire ride home, my wife laughed at me busting my ass. My elbow and my knee are both lightly skinned, but the big thing was there was an old lady and her granddaughter looking right at me when I fell.

You'd think a fall like this might discourage me. You'd be wrong.

I am reminded of Lance Armstrong and his little yellow bracelets. Now I am inspired. I have got to get back on that horse/racing bike/shopping cart. If Lance can come back, than I can get up from this mess and make something of myself.

I will make a come back! You'll see!

Summer Movies and Fantasy Football

Here we go!

Friday is the official start of the Summer blockbusters. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer!

This should be a great summer for movies. We already had Spiderman 3, which I liked. I know some people thought it sucked. Buy those people liked The English Patient. Sooo, their opinion doesn't effect me that much.

Lets run em' down,

Transformers
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Telli-Tubbies take Manhattan
Uhh... um, I thought there was more.

It might just be that I am writing this kind of late at night and my brain doesn't work.

How about some under the radar movies I want to see?

Eagle Vs Shark looks awesome, and so does Hot Rod.

Fantasy Football

Only a complete dork would have his fantasy football league started up in June!

Yes, I have started my next fantasy football group.

We are expanding, hopefully, from 6 to 10 teams this year. With a little bit of encouragement the smack talk will begin early and continue through the football season. I will be the returning champion. With that comes a lot of pressue. All of the Spoon User fans, or "Spoonies", will want to see a repeat performance. Plus Carson Palmer has been on my case about reworking his contract. Shoot, you only played half the year for me. I don't know that I will be bringing him back. As a GM, you need to take a stand once and a while. I can't let my players walk all over me.

Letter to my Mini-Van

Dear Mini-Van,

We have known each other a while now. We have been through a lot. You remember that time I ran over a curb and blew out that tire? That was awesome! Oh, the laughs we shared over that. I know you aren't the best looking van on the block. But, that never bothered me. I always ignored the glares from people wondering why some dude with wild hair is driving a beat up Mini-Van. I was just glad you got me from A to B. I'm proud of you.

Well, today you only got me to A and a half. Not that I am complaining, I know I haven't changed the oil in like 8 months. Needless to say I am thinking of moving on. Now you can retire in a Mini-Van retirement home. You can hit on all the Mini-Coopers that are way our of you league. Maybe your next owner will change the oil. I bet you'd like that.

Let's face it, your brakes are going, your timing chain is about to go, and you ain't got no A/C. We knew this was coming. I imagine I may drive you a few more times, but hey you had a good run. Now your going to be scrapped and parted out. Think of it this way, your sort of like an organ donor! How honorable of you.

Oh well take it easy,
--Norton G.

Happy Belated Birthday Dumb Stuff I Wrote!

I was so busy not updating my blog that I plum forgot it was your birthday on May 11th. You have grown so much in your first year of existence. Soon you will be able to write your own post. Then, maybe, you will actually be updated at a regular pace.

Some of our old friends have stopped by to say happy birthday.

Luke Wilson: Hey Dumb Stuff,
Wow what crazy year. After that show down with Dick Clark at Taco Bell, who'd da thunk we would make it here. Happy Birthday!








Dick Clark: I'll beat your ass Wilson, yours and "Dumb Stuff I Wrote's"










Fred Savage: What the hell is Dumb Stuff I Wrote?




Well, that's all we have time for. Hope you had a good belated birthday.

A Review of a Spiderman 3 Review

I saw Spiderman 3 on the Friday that it came out. I had already planed a bunch of crap to say about it. Well, time went by and I forgot all the stuff I wanted to say, so hence, no blog.

Yesterday I was on Orson Scott Card's web page, when I noticed he had posted his very short review of Spidey 3.

Anyone who has read my blog, all both of you, or knows me personally, all both of you, knows that OSC is my favorite author. By reading his reviews he has guided me toward great movies that I would have never seen otherwise. Most notably Spanglish and Finding Neverland. When it comes to book reviews he has suggested very dumpy reads. Most notably Mirror, Mirror by Gregory Maguire.

Any who, sometimes I agree with his views and other times I don't. And thats normal. I have never meet anyone who I agree with completely. Take my buddy Shane. He has great taste in music, but for some reason he really likes the Counting Crows. Eeeewwww!

In Card's review of Spidey 3, he says a couple of things that just annoyed me.

First of which, "[Spiderman 3 has] big special effects sequences designed to sell the videogames." Uhh, what? I thought big special effects sequences were designed to make you oohh, and ahhh. That's what these sequences do. At no point in watching the movie did I feel like I needed to buy the game. It may be because I am a gamer, and I know not to but video games based on movies. Here is a "Fedge" official rule for gaming and movie going. "Don't watch movies based on games, and don't play games based on movies." Follow this simple rule and you will save yourself time, movie, and most likely headaches.

Secondly, "Raimi cast terrific actors in all the leads, and they do a great job." Uhh, no complaints here. Right on. Then he follows it up with this, "I especially salute Topher Grace's entry into the villain category -- if he were in any more scenes he'd steal the movie." Pshh. Whatever? I though James Franco portrayed his character with more depth and believability than any other actor in the film. All Topher had to do was play a whiny little baby. Harry Osborn went through a lot more emotional changes in this film, and Franco played each part with great precision. Card does say in his review that Franco is at his best, which I obviously agree with, but Topher came no where close to stealing the show.

Then he says, "But time after time, the silliness undercut the serious storyline." I can see how you would feel this way, but I thought that it was all really well balanced. Then he said this movie was in the same class as Titanic and Back to the Future. He says that by having so much comedy that it will make Spiderman 3 become less watchable over time, like Titanic and Back to the Future. Which may be true about Spidey 3, but Back to the Future! Back to the Future is infinitely watchable. BTTF is an awesome classic film! GRRR! DON'T put Back to the Future in the same boat as Titanic. (pun intended)

Here is my review of Spiderman 3. It is a great final chapter to the Spiderman films. It is a story centered completely around Peter, Mary Jane, and Harry. The villains are disposable. And as a film about the core three characters, it is wonderful.

My Sister and Movies

I don't think I could sum my sister up in one blog. But, being that she is one of my three faithful readers, and the fact she has been bugging me to write a blog about her, I will give it a go.

My sister has the most incredible ability. She can pick a film that she wants to see, and no matter how terrible it looks, she can convince me to go watch it with her. Often times I pay for the tickets myself.

The first movie that comes to mind would be Birth staring Nicole Kidman and no one else of note. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. There are bad movies that are so bad that they become good. Then there are movies like Birth that are so bad, and take themselves so seriously, that they turn out worse.

Nicole Kidman plays a widow who is about to remarry. Then along comes this kid who claims to be her husband, only in the shape of a very annoying boy. She doesn't believe him at first, but over the course of several boring and painful hours she starts to become convinced that this is indeed her late husband.

Well, come to find out this kid was just joshin'. He found a bunch of love letters and other crap in a box that was written by her husband. So he took it upon himself to try to get in a tub with Nicole Kidman. A feat that he is able to pull off in a scene that will haunt me for the rest of my movie going lifetime. The final scene is Nicole Kidman getting in a big ol' fist fight with the ocean. At this point me and my sister could not contain our laughter. We were the only ones laughing in the room, and that made it all the more enjoyable.

So despite the fact that she can pick out the worst movies in the world and make me go see them, she is one of the best people in the world to go see a bad movie with.

That is of course if she can remember which theater the movie is at. On more that one occasion she would lead us to the wrong theater on the other end of town. It happened enough that we just started to leave early, so that we would have enough time to make it to the other theater if we went to the wrong one first.

To her credit, she did make us go see Napoleon Dynamite before it got all huge. Also, I did take her to go see Thr3e the movie. That was a laugh a minute. We also plan on going to see House, which promises to be worse than Birth. Because of that fact, we can't wait to watch it.

No, this blog doesn't do my sister justice. But it is a start.

Skin:Warning Spoilers! Like you care!

Moments ago, I did the unthinkable. I finished reading the novel Skin by Ted Dekker.

My current state of emotion:I never want to read another Dekker novel.

Should I tell you about it? Sure. I think I owe it to anyone who would actually think about reading this novel. I must warn them about what is found within its pages.

Skin starts off with a woman in her twenties named Wendy, being run off the road by an unmanned pick-up truck. She meets two people, one of whom was bitten by a snake, who also have been ran of the road by the same truck. They run in to the local authorities who are looking for a killer on the loose. A killer named Red.

Why is his name significant? Maybe because two of his previous novels feature killers by the name of Black and White. Black, Red, and White are the titles of a trilogy that Dekker wrote, that was actually good. So good, in fact, that Dekker started writing his own fan fiction. The last four novels that he has written are loosely tied in to the trilogy in some form or fashion.

This killer, Red, has a fondness for eating large quantities of mustard after a kill. Why? It calms his nerves. That's about all you get on that. But this leads to classic lines like "Pass the mustard". What context is this in? Well, Red is just thinking over his next move in the sick life or death game he is playing with the main characters, he smiles and says, "Pass the mustard." Now that is bad ass. Sends chills down my spine.

Oh, right. Characters! Very poorly developed. He gives a couple of them interesting backgrounds, but never delves into their issues in any meaningful way. In the end, you don't really care much for them either way. At least I didn't.

So you drone on and on through pages of stuff that you have experienced over and over before in other works by Dekker. The killer traps them in a house. He wants them to kill each other. The whole time the identity of the killer is unknown. But, when you find out who it is, even though you didn't see it coming, you really don't care. Woohoo, the killer is some turd that was never really developed and plays a very unimportant role in the story up until this point.

But wait, that isn't the big twist. Ever seen The Matrix? Then this twist will not shock you in any way. You will sit there thinking, "It was cool in The Matrix, but this is just a rip off."

Here comes the spoiler, if you haven't already seen The Matrix.

The world isn't real! "WHAT?" you say. That's so original. Why hasn't someone already thought of that and made it into a big budget film staring "Ted'' Theodore Logan?

So the whole time they have been playing this game, an experiment, that your unclear on. Now they are pulled out of a game that has gone horribly wrong. Three people are dead and for some weird unexplained reason they have to go back into the game to "Finish the game".

Did we miss the fact that three people have already died? Why the hell are you sending them back in? WHAT? This all leads up to the main characters looking at each other and smiling like they are one Three's Company and they say, "This time we will play the game together." WOW! George Lucas would be proud.

Now at the end of it all, let me say this. Unless my resolve waivers, I am done reading Ted Dekker. I have read every novel he has written to date. The last five have been mediocre at best. I have found new authors I would rather spend my time and money on. Tim Pratt, John Scalzi, and James Maxey. With my new job, time spent reading has gone down considerably. Frankly, I want to enjoy Dekker's work. But ever since he wrote that Trilogy, he seems to have lost his touch.

On to The Last Colony by John Scalzi. WOOT!

Foes Of The Library

Well, I got one book on my list from the friends of the library book sale. For the most part, I ended up getting books from my reading days as a teenager. Spiderman and X-men novels that were written in the 90's. I didn't end up getting Ghost Brigades, the one book that I really wanted, and would have alone made the trip worth while.

It is amazing how many books I bought that I admit I may never get to reading. Some of which will most likely end up in the Friends of the Library donation bin later on this year. Yet, it still was lots of fun and I got stains all over a pair of pants. (I will just leave it at that and let you guess how I got stains on my pants). I didn't have to hit anyone upside the head, which I guess is a good thing.

Another book I was looking for, Earthborn by Orson Scott Card, which has been there the last couple times. Often with multiple copies in great condition. But, of course, the time I want to buy it, none to be found.

Now, I look ahead to October when the sale rolls back around. I already have put in for the day off and look forward to getting all tense before hand, hoping the people who camped out won't buy up all the good stuff before I get inside. I found myself getting really pissed off when these two old people cut in front of about 100 people who were waiting patiently. Who do you thing you are old man? I better not see you in the Sci-fi section or I will... oh, forget it. You probably like Stephen King anyway. I don't have to worry about you buying up all the good stuff. Turd!

Friends of the Library Book Sale

This morning is the friends of the library books sale. I want a copy of The Ghost Brigades for a nickel. If you get in my way I will hit you upside the head with a copy of the latest Robert Jordan book.

Don't laugh. This isn't a game. I didn't get here a half hour early so some turd with a duffel bag could wipe all the books off the table in to his duffel bag, just to go sit in a corner and pick through them. Don't pull that crap. All I gots to say is Wheel of Time upside yo head.

Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Could Blog Like Me?

I was noticing while I was at work the other day, that I would much rather write a blog while I was on the clock and it is not in my job description. I did restrain myself, and that is a good thing. That blog would have ended up sounding like the me after I eat seven corn dogs at Sonic. I have a coupon 2 for $0.99. Mmmm, Tums.

One thing I have noticed about other peoples blogs is they like to use the word "muse" or "musings".

Dan's Ideological Oasis:Daily musings of a high school janitor.

Ladies Welcome:The musings of Leonard Nimoy.

Just because you think you know the definition of the word musing, doesn't mean I want to read your blog. Musings doesn't make your blog sound more appealing. To the contrary, if you put the word musing in the subtitle of your blog, I'm moving on. Because unless you are talking to an imaginary audience, you sad individual, then STOP IT. Musings is not cool.

Just call it what it is.

Captain Dan's Blog o' Crap:Some dude saying dull unimportant crap.

Ladies Welcome:Ladies don't know who Leonard Nimoy is, and that is a sad thing.

I live by this philosophy. Get their expectations low, and keep em' there. If they're reading your blog, great! But watch out should you actually write something witty or half way meaningful. Cause then they come to expect it.

Write about the time you and your frat buddy got drunk and puked all over this fly girl you was "takin' wit." Are you sure you want to call that musing?

A person who goes around looking for a blog to read with musing in the title, isn't going to want to hear about the McMuffin eating contest you won. But a guy who stops and sees BLOG O' CRAP, should be all over that kind of stuff.

I will leave you with this bit of wisdom. "Make an ass of yourself." That way, when people laugh at you, you will think it is because your funny.

Lack of Blog:Venom

I am sorry about the lack of blogging lately.

Hey there is a new Spiderman 3 Trailer at IGN.COM.

That is all. Will blog again soon. I hope.

TMNT

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for those of you who don't know. Although, the new ninja turtles movie takes place after the previous live action films. So, maybe the aren't teenage ninja anymore. I guess that's why they named the movie TMNT. Any who, TMNT is well worth the 10 bucks to get in the door, and I will most likely get it on DVD. It's not amazing, but there are a lot of things done right in TMNT.

After watching the movie, it felt like there were two writers working on this movie. One writing a story about the ongoing power struggle within the team between Leonardo and Raphael, which was written very well. Then a second writer telling the typical end of the world story, which ends up feeling like nothing more than what could have been squeezed into a half hour episode of Ninja Turtles. The Raph and Leo story is resolved about 15 minutes before the end of the movie. Which makes the whole experience feel very anticlimactic. Add in the fact that there was no big final showdown between the good guys and the bad guys, the big "Oh no. The world is in danger" story in the film was all to easily resolved, and the final villians were disposed of with great ease. Add it all together and you are left with disappointment.

It also felt like two different people were writing the puns and gags. Some of them were great. Others are the type of obvious humor you would find on Saturday morning.

Yet, I did say that I would probably buy this movie. That is because the story between Raph and Leo is really well done. Hope this isn't a spoiler, but the best, and most likely only, fight seen you may remember from this movie happens between Raph and Leo. I felt totally involved in what was happening between them. I really can't say more without giving much away. But I can say this, the fight seen in the rain between brothers, single handedly save TMNT.

The animation is really nice looking as well. Most of the human characters have that "Incredibles" look about them. While the Turtles have great detail in there animation but still don't look out of place with their human companions.

I will now reference you back to what I said about Expectations and Disappointment. The more I expect from a movie the easier it is to be left with disappointment. The less I expect from a movie, then I will be more likely I will be pleasantly surprised by it. TMNT falls under the latter. I watched a bunch of clips on IGN, and really thought this movie was going to suck. But, it was good. Which made it feel like it was really good.

It's always good to relive those childhood memories. It is hard to mess up a movie that had the ninja turtles at it's core. TMNT left me wanting more, not completely in a good way, not in a bad way either. Overall, I really think they can do better than this, and I hope they do.

One last thing, do you remember the ending to Batman Begins? You know the part where they lead you to believe that the Joker is going to be in the next movie? Well they have something like that in this movie. The big difference between the two is that the one in Batman made me say, "OH SWEET! THE JOKER!" The one in TMNT made me say, "Uh, they could have been a little more specific." If your a moron what I am about to say may be a spoiler for you.

They hint at Shredder being in the next movie. They do it in a way that isn't very exciting. Hey! At least they tried.

Not So Dreamy

Oh man blogger, I had the craziest dream last night. I had a dream that I had my very own blog. It was the best looking blog. I had a currently reading section and links to my favorite sites. It was great. Then I dreamed that I never updated it. I just let it sit there and grow mold. Even though there was tons of stuff to write about. Like how my new job is going, and my review of the Ninja Turtles movie. Even a blog on how I define the term "Man Crush".

That's when I realized it wasn't a dream. I have been neglecting you. I am so sorry blogger. Maybe I will update you next week, OK.

Worst Best Man Toast Ever!

I was the best man in a wedding today for the first time in my life. As far as the wedding goes it's easy stuff. Just stand there and give the pastor the ring, then smile like it wasn't you that just farted.

Then there is the matter of the toast.

My wife warned me, "Honey, you need to think about what you are going to say when you get up there."

"Naw, I can ad lib."

I got up in front of the mic, looked out to the crowd, and my mind said, "I got nothin!"

I was trying to say something to the tune of "put your wifes needs before your own." Which I did say. But, the statement I used when referring to "putting your wifes needs before your own", was "Doing it." So the speech sounded a lot more like this:

"When you do it, do it to your wife first. Because when you do it to your wife and your wife does it to you, you both get done. When your wife does it to you, don't forget her needs, do it back to her. Me and my wife do it all the time, and we love it. The feeling you will get can only come from one place, and that's when you do it together. So, don't not do it, it's better when you do it."

I hang my head in shame.

Future Scalzi Review

On John Scalzi's blog he is giving away a free copy of his new book to whoever writes that best review of a book he has yet to write. Here is my entry.

It was funny the first time. Yet, John Scalzi has found a way to convince TOR to release his new novel that can only be summed up as “The first chapter of The Androids Dream, only 300 pages long.”

John Scalzi’s “aliens that speak in odors” idea first popped up in his “not meant for mass consumption” novel Agent to the Stars. It worked then. It was new and it wasn’t the driving force behind the story. Then, in The Androids Dream, another alien race has the similar way of communicating. This leads to an assassination, with the assassin using a device in his rectum and farts his enemy to death. Again, this was only a fraction of the story. Both of these novels have great characters and are great reads. Not because of the flatulence, but because they were written before John ran out of ideas.

Now all we are left with is The Putrid Crater. A heart-warming tale of an alien race that finds their fecal matter to be a thing of worship. This species is also looking to the stars for the first signs of intelligent life. While sending out a “sniff rover” to every plant they come across, the Clowiuin aliens happen upon a red planet that has no intelligent life and broken rolling objects. The aliens quickly learn that they belong to a blue planet that happens to be in the neighborhood. Before the aliens decide to make them selves know to the “half-haired” creatures, they watch.

They notice that the humans don’t save their poo. As a matter of fact they evacuate it from their homes as soon as it arrives. Fortunately for the humans, the Clowiuin’s are a race of tolerance, and they want to teach the humans how to properly deal with the holy goods. All I am going to say is that when humans get married they save a piece of cake for their first anniversary. Well, in The Putrid Crater, the humans adopt a new wedding tradition that is similar only in that they save something for a year, what that something is and what they do with it I will spare you from.

This book covers about every way a person could misuse human excrement. After the first three chapters I realized that John Scalzi has given up on coming up with anything new. I hope I am wrong, but it seems that gone are the days of books like Old Man’s War and The Androids Dream. Now all we have to look forward to are retellings of Beavis and Butt-head stories set in an already explored Sci-Fi universe.

Ghost Rider

There is just something about superhero movies. The plot can stink. They dialog can be on par with Star Wars Episode III. Yet when you first see one of your favorite heroes suit up or flame on or whatever, for the first time, it doesn't matter what crap has happened before. All is right in the world. Especially if the the superhero at hand has a flaming skull for a head and rides a motorcycle that's on fire! Why, with that kind of source material you could have crappy acting, one of the worst screenplays you could find, and a choppy storyline. And that's just what the makers of Ghost Rider went out and got.

Ghost Rider is so filled with cliches, it's... it's... well, it just sucks thats all. Jeez! All of the villains are over dramatic. Most of the time they can't make it to the end of a sentence with out using a noise filter to make them sound "really" evil. Apparently to be a villain you must wear a long trench coat, and get your makeup done up to look like a 5 year old that got in her mom stash.

The acting by the villains is amazing. I think I know where they got most of these guys from.

"Welcome have a seat. Now just relax, it's just an audition. First, tell us what acting you have done."

"Well, I never really had an acting job before. But, I have been rejected by numerous b-rate TV shows."

"Really, like who?"

"Let's see, there is Buffy, Walker Texas Ranger, The Power Rangers, and Walker Texas Power Ranger. Oh, but I was in the second Mortal Kombat movie."

"Fantastic! That is the caliber acting we are going for. You see we already blew our budget on Nick Cage. How does $5 bucks and a pack of Ho-Ho's sound?"

The dialog is the worst I have ever seen in a superhero movie. Picture this, Ghost Rider is meeting his enemy for the first time. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. You just witness Nick Cage make a dramatic transformation into Ghost Rider. That's when he is going to drop his first witty comment, "You're going down!"

Uhh... right. You're going down? WOW! Amazing! That is a moment in film history that you will never forget. "I'm talking to the fire that is in me, let me take control" is yet another poorly thought out sentence. It's a good thing they don't let this guy direct films.

Wait.

What?

OH CRAP! He is the director too! Ouch, when you said you were cutting the budget, you really meant it.

There really isn't much going right for this movie. Other than a guy on fire on a bike on fire.

This is the only superhero movie where the hero dispenses of all of his foes very quickly. There is a brief moment when Ghost Rider is challenged in this movie. But, luckily the main villain is an idiot and follows Ghost Rider right into and obvious trap.

There are a ton of movies I am looking forward to this year. Thankfully they can only get better.

February Finally Gets Some Bloggin' Love

February gets riped-off!

It's the shortest month of the year, no paid holidays, and we are 10 days in and I haven't updated my blog.

I have an excuse, kinda. I was on an impromptu vacation.

I either got fired, or laid off, or quit working at the store in January. I am really unclear on this, but all I know is I don't work there anymore. So, updating wasn't a problem.

I set off on the job hunting trail again, and ended up doing sales for a very large and well respected company. I gots mad benefits, DOG! It pays well and hooks yo homeboy up with da crazy insane plika plow.

Plika plow...? Uhh.. moving on.

Well, working where I am working, it is rather difficult to update my blog. Thus, no post in February until now. But, that's all going to change, sort of. I am going to try to update my blog at home now. There is a certain level of discipline that goes into maintaining this blog. Not much, but discipline none the less. You have to get off the couch. Go to the office. Log in. Then to top it off, I got to think of stuff and write it. Pshh... like I want to do that. It's easier to blog at work.

Digestion

Right now as I type this blog, many things are being set in motion. All of which are taking place in my lower intestine. Me and my wife went out to eat fish and chips last night. Well, I had fish and chips. She substituted her fries for broccoli, a decision I wish I had made. I don't think I am backed up, but plika plow, my junk hurts inside. As much as I blog about bad food, you think I would learn. I hate greasy food, but it taste SO GOOD! Fish and chips with malt vinegar...mmmm. (drool) Would it really hurt me to sub the fries, probably not. But they give you a whole lot a malt vinegar and so little fish. I gots to get that vinegar in my belly, and I can't just sit there and drink it. People would see me do it and try it. Then they would all get addicted and we would have a malt vinegar shortage. Then what the hell am I going to put on my fish. Nope, the best idea it to eat the fries with the vinegar. I mean, I can't let the vinegar go uneaten. So, my penalty for gluttony is having to grab my side like I ran 20 feet and needed to catch my breath. That didn't stop me from eating free cake from Kitchen and Spice, and a half a cinnamon roll from The Fresh Market. Sorry colon.

Plus, we didn't get no hush puppies! Plus, it took over a half hour to get our food. PLUS, when we complained to the manager he didn't try to make it right. "What do you want me to do to make this right for you?" Granted he probably was running around apologizing to everyone, but dang, your the manager, you tell me how your going to make it right. When we pay for food and wait a half hour and don't gets dem hushies! Alls I gots to say is PLIKA PLOW!

Funnel Cakes and Fair Food

This weekend was the medieval fair.

There is nothing quite like hanging out with a bunch of dorks dressed up like their favorite characters from Lord of the Rings. It's wonderful to hear them refer to themselves with their made up medieval names. "Sir Grubinground: Captain of the Rolariand Fleet."

Dorks will normally leave to alone in the real world, but once to step into their territory they get all cocky. They will yell at you and demand you play their ridiculous impossible to win games. "Throws some balls at some stuff, and if you can knock down all 54 targets with 3 balls we will give you this cheap nick-nack that we got for a quarter at the Food Lion. Don't miss out on this opportunity to waist your money."

Me and my family went on Saturday. My better half was trying to advise me to eat before we went. My response was, "Half the fun of going to the fair is eating the food." I am not the only one who thinks this way, my mother also shares my opinion. But once I got to the fair I realized that most of the food they serve is made by the shadiest of people. They don't wear hair nets at the fair. I didn't see any health inspectors coming through. I did see long haired ho-bo's making my french fries.

"So, what do you do when your not slinging overpriced grease?"

"Oh, I sit on the interstate on-ramp and try to bum a ride."

"Fantastic. By the way, your mullet is dipping into the funnel cake mix."

I had the "fish and chips." Which by its self, not that bad. My problem was the rabbit turds in the bottom of the malt vinegar. But hey, "When in Rome, eat and don't ask questions."

I think the only thing worse than a chili dog from Krystal's, is a funnel cake. I know they will make me sick, but when someone offers a bite, I can't help but to indulge myself. Funnel cake is like a sponge. When you cook fries in a deep fryer, you are usually left with oil in the fryer. Not funnel cakes. Drop a funnel cake in and all the grease that was in your cooker is now on the inside of that carbohydrate H-Bomb. Don't believe me! Ask your self this, what color was the powdered sugar on your last funnel cake? I know is wasn't white! Remember what they say about yellow snow? Well that applies here.

Funnel cakes aren't like Krystal's. You can get away with eating one bite of a Krystal burger and not get sick. With funnel cakes, one bite is enough.

"Honey, I am feeling a tingling down my arm."

"Me too, but my hair is also falling out by the handful, damn funnel cake!"

A funnel cake is like a pancake, inside a waffle, inside a doughnut.

Oh, I imagine the next time I go to a fair I will get some food from some shady vendor. I am just going to try and stay away from the turducken of pastries.

All Kinds Of Stuff

I would like to apologize first off for the lack of blogging goodness. It has been a weird month. Plus, I have been watching 24, and that just means it's very difficult to get around to blogging.

Job

I got a new job... again. This time I think it is a good one. I will be sitting on my sweet cheeks and answering phones to talk people into buy stuff. It finally happened, I am a salesman. No, I am not a telemarketer, so just calm down.

I will be only fielding unsolicited calls. To those of you I will be talking to in a couple of weeks, I promise to do my job, without annoying the crap out of you.

I went to the companies job fair to get an interview. Little did I know that they would be testing me.

They gave me a personality test, which they say you can't fail. But, if it look like you fit the personality of an ass, you failed.

Then they gave me a vocabulary and math test. I did well on the vocab, but the math test was timed, and they took away my calculator. This is the year 2007, who uses their brain for math anymore? They gave me 3 minutes to do 40 problems, I got through 4. I HATE MATH!

Luckily, that didn't stop them from hiring me after my amazing interview. 5 minutes in a room with me, who could resist my charm and charisma?

Little Miss Sunshine

My wife borrowed a copy of Little Miss Sunshine from a work associate a few days ago. She knew I was going to try to rent it from Netflix.

It's hard for me to think of all the movies I saw that came out in the year 2006, but I think I can safely say, this was the best.

Hard Science Fiction

I love Sci-fi novels. On occasion, I enjoy a fantasy novel. I have always said, I hate Hard SF. I started reading a book by Jack McDevitt called Deepsix. It is Hard SF, but it is great! (so far)

I am starting to wonder if my problem isn't hard SF stories, by hard SF writers. My biggest problem with hard SF is that the writers are way too heady. They use big words, that I don't care to learn. I don't want to read about a bunch of scientist doing math. I HATE MATH!

About a month ago, I was talking to my friend, Shane, about fiction books. I told him, "I just don't like the hard sf."

He reminded me that Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card was hard SF.

Speaker is one of my favorite books, not because of the hard SF elements, but because of the incredibly well written characters. The story centers around a dysfunctional family. I remembered that most of the members of that family were scientist. I came to the realization that scientist are people too, and Jack McDevitt knows it too.

That's why I am enjoying Deepsix. I love SF, but if the characters aren't well drawn, then I have a hard time reading it.

I Will Try to Spare You

I feel like blogging. I just can't think of anything to sit down and write about.

Usually when I get like this, I end up writing something I regret.

So here are just some quick observations by me,

• I like the show 24.
• The weather here is weird.
  
• Sleep is great, I try to do it once a day.
• "Stool" is a weird word for poop.

There, I blogged and nobody got hurt.

Loss

I am not going to say much, other than we lost our cat Thursday morning. He had a heart attack and died in his sleep.

We miss him, but at least he is not in pain anymore.

The Greatest and Best School in College Sports

The Gators are national football champs once again. The University of Florida is the first school in NCAA history to hold both the men's basketball and football championships in the same year. We are the greatest university in all of college sports.

Gainesville is celebrating, but all I am reading on the sports sites is, "What if Boise State got a shot?"

Boise State didn't get a shot, and it's too late to sit around crying.

What about when Bowing Green went undefeated? What about when Utah went undefeated? They didn't get a shot.

BSU deserves a shot, but the Gators deserved it more. If Florida played BSU's schedule we would be unbeaten too. So would USC, Michigan, Auburn, LSU, and maybe even Kentucky. BSU played one game this year. Florida won the SEC, going through LSU, Arkansas, Georgia and Tennessee, all finishing ranked in the top 25. How many teams in the WAC finished in the top 25? BSU and that's it. Even the pancake teams of the SEC had good years. Not to mention that we spanked the "number one" team in the land.

On a good day, BSU can beat anyone. But can they do it all year against great teams? If they weren't in the MAC or the WAC or the BUTTCRACK... whatever that conference is called, then they would have a legitimate argument.

I want a playoff system. Then BSU would have to play 3 or more great teams straight. If they run the table and get there, great! Teams get hosed in the NCAA, but this year, I think they got it right.

Thr3e: A Movie & Book Review

Thr3e, as a book, awesome. Thr3e, as a movie, cheap.

If you are a Christian, like I am, then you have probably heard the phrase "Don't cast your pearls before swine." If you have something good, don't let some turd with a camera ruin it.

Book: Thr3e the book is fast paced, keeps you guessing, and leaves you satisfied at the end. It is a great story first. At no point during the book do you stop and say, "OK, this is unrealistic, that dialog is cheesy, what the crap was the author thinking." It is just a fantastic novel, regardless of your stance on Christianity. My sister doesn't claim to be a Christian and she thought Thr3e was great, she read it twice.

Movie:While the movie doesn't suffer from trying to be too "Christian", and it never really gets preachy, it just sucks as a movie. The movie was made by Fox Faith, the same people that made a train wreak of a film known as The Visitation (based on the novel by Frank Peretti). Robbie Henson directed both of these movies and is currently working on another movie called House, based on the novel by Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti. House will be a one of a kind film, but more on that later.

The movie suffers most of all from the makers and the actors trying too hard, and sometimes not hard enough. Pretty much every actor in this movie does a piss poor job of delivering a believable performance. If there were any good actors in this film, I couldn't find them. They must have been given bad lines and poor directing, there was certainly plenty of both going around. Not to mention the over acting on a character named Princess. The movie tries to portray Princess as she is in the book, but sometimes you have to tone that stuff down for movies. No matter how serious a moment in a movie, when a old women with too much make-up and a tiara bust on to the screen, it's going to get people to snicker. Then the actress drives it home with an overdone performance.

Most of the Dekker fans I talk to say that Thr3e is there favorite novel. I think it is the best piece of fiction he has done, just because I think anyone could read it and wouldn't have to try to get around a bunch of preachy digressions. It's is also just a great read from start to finish. That being said, why would you give it up to some low budget film makers? Christian movie studios are about 10 years behind in there technology and experience. They are a one way ticket to ruining your story.

Left Behind is the best selling Christian novel of all time. Don't quote me on that, but even if you are not a Christian, you most likely have heard of it. You might have even read it. It had the best chance of turning into a huge Hollywood production. After the success of Passion of the Christ and Narnia, movie studios are more open to doing Christian films. The problem is it is hard to get Christians to go to the movies. Fiction isn't a huge success in the Christian market as it is. There are a handful of novels that have the following that would allow them to be made into a mainstream film. Left Behind would be number one on the list of books that a movie would work for. But, there won't be a good Left Behind movie made. Why? Because the rights have already been sold to a small Christian film company, Cloud Ten Pictures, that put out three sub par films.

If the authors would have waited, and sold there movie rights to a major film maker they would have made a great deal of money. I think it would attract the same crowds that went to see Passion. Most likely not the same ticket sales, but it would be a successful film.

Honestly, Dekker would have probably not been approached by a major company. Even though his books sell well in the Christian market, he doesn't even make a blip on the secular radar. This may be the best version of a film version of Thr3e we could ever hope for. This is the state of Christian media. We write our stories for Christian publishers, we make our movies through Christian companies, and for the most part, the only ones that notice are Christians.

My sister was reading the user movie reviews that were on Fandango. All 15 or so users rated it a must see. I am willing to bet that they are all part of Dekkers "street team". What happens on these street teams is this, lets say Styrafoam releases a new album called "Disappointed Yet?". Then we would get on our myspace and tell all of our friends to go to Amazon.com, where we are selling it, and post a butt load of positive reviews. Now all of the sudden people who just happen upon our crap CD, see all these great reviews.

Granted, there are some people who genuinely like Thr3e the movie. That's cool, whatever. But, the people actually making these movies are convinced that they are producing films every bit as good as the stuff in Hollywood.

Now onto House. House is a book written by two of the premier Christian novelist, Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker. A recipe for a great novel. Only problem is that they have two completely different ways to approach writing a novel. Peretti likes to research his books for months before he even begins the actual writing of the story. Dekker, on the other hand, gets an idea, then he just starts writing, letting the ideas come to him as he writes. While Dekker said in Pages Magazine that he would love to do a sequel with Peretti, Frank said he would never do another collaboration. The fruit of their works ended up being an utterly confusing story that just left me dumbfounded. My sister compares the book to a Sci-fi original movie meets a competitive eating contest. Anyway, the story is weird, and would be very difficult to turn into a movie. But, why would you want to? House the movie is going to be like Baby Geniuses 2, but way more confusing. It will truly be a unique film if nothing else.

I can't wait to see it!

Quick Rapid Fire Updates Aimed at Your Head!

• Christmas was good.
• Our cat is sick, pray for him.
• We got a new king size bed!
• For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep before midnight on New Years Eve.
• I have no visible rashes.
• I won my fantasy football league.

That's it. Hope your face is OK!