My Other Christmas Gift!

It's Christmas morning. I get up, turn on the Christmas lights, and light the candles. I wake my wife up saying, "It's Christmas, lets get going." I know she will take a few moments to get out of bed.

I go to the computer and log on to my fantasy group. I am in a game I have every intention of losing at. The person I am playing is arrogant and cocky (he is also a good friend). The kind of person you take pleasure in defeating at a meaningless game. If I win, I go to the championship game. If I lose, I go to play in the Preparation H Bowl.

In my fantasy group, they have what they call "Smack Talk". A two sentence blurb that you can edit to, well, talk smack. I was relevied to log on and see his smack talk, "No profanity can express my anger right now. This is the worst Christmas ever."

I was winning 60-40! I have never enjoyed ruining someones day, much less Christmas, but dang that felt good.

I know that I most likely will lose in the final game against "The Meat Spinners". Mainly because we got into a huge who is gay insult contest. I feel I made him feel more gay than he made me feel. That's why I think I won't win this Sunday. But at the same time, I have beat "The Meat Spinners" every time I have played him this year. I got that going for me.

If I win, it will be the biggest sports achievement I have ever been a part of since I won back to back national titles in NCAA Football 2007 for the XBOX.

An Interview with Norton G. Francenstien

Hello, this is Alberto Richards with Book Readers Quarterly except in June when we release 8 Issues. We recently had the chance to sit down with not so famous blog author Norton G. Francenstien aka The Amazing Fedge. The reason we picked Norton as our subject for this issue of BRQEIJWWR8I, is because our sales and journalistic integrity have been dwindling, and he is the only one stupid enough to do an interview with us. So with out further ado here is our interview with Norton G. Francenstien.

AR:Thank you Norton for coming to talk with us.

NGF:No problem.

AR:Lets get to it. You have been writing your blog for over six months now. How do you feel about the public response so far?

NGF:Well that depends on who you ask. If you were to ask actual living people, their response would most likely be, "Who the hell is Norton G. Francenstien?" or "Why would I read something called Dumb Stuff I Wrote?" But, If you were to ask my imaginary hoard of readers the response would be very positive, indeed. I think I have changed the lives of many imaginary readers. A blog ceases to be a blog when you are restoring peace to an imaginary humanity.

(At this point, your humble interviewer realized what a mistake I was making interviewing this guy. I still needed my story, so despite what my brain was telling me, I pressed in further.)

AR:Wow! That really is something. Do you ever look back and wish that you had spent the time you spent on your blog, on something a little more productive than writing to a invisible audience?

NGF:Sometimes, I really think I could have gotten a good bit of Madden 07 in.

AR:And you think that is more productive than writing to no one?

NGF:Uh, winning the Super Bowl isn't a big deal to you?

AR:Lets move on. You often post negative reviews of restaurants you have been to. Are there any restaurants you like?

NGF:Oh yeah, I like Millhopper Cafe, Caraba's Italian Grill, Adam's Rib Co, and The Fresh Market. They all make my face melt off.

AR:And your face getting melted off is a good thing?

NGF:Usually. Sometimes, if you go into Taco Bell your face will melt off. But that is just because when they cook the "meat", it releases chemicals into the air, and they cause your flesh to be eaten away. Taco Bell has had to put in place a defense force to keep terrorist from finding out about their "Grade E" meat.

AR:Right. You also write a little bit about sports. How do you feel about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this season?

NGF:You might as well ask how I feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles.

AR:How do you feel about getting attacked by rabid French poodles?

NGF:It's OK, I guess.

AR:Who is going to win the Super Bowl this year, in real life, not in Madden?

NGF:I hope you are writing this down, because in February you can come back to me and congratulate me on being completely accurate. The winners of Super Bowl XLI will be:Not the Bucs.

AR:Let's move away from sports, since it seems to be getting us nowhere. You are a reader of Sci-Fi and Fantasy, do you have any plans to write a story in the future?

NGF:Yes, I am currently work on a story about what is going to happen if the Krystal's franchise is not brought to it's knees. It isn't really hard to write, since Krystal's has already started trying to weaken the defense of America. They have these things called combos at Krystal's. They often ask if you want to get the combo. A combo comes with fries. FRIES! The last thing anyone needs to eat after eating 3 Krystal burgers is deep fried carbohydrates. It is obvious to me they want to cause the world a great deal of harm. I just don't know why we haven't seen it yet.

AR:You really don't stray much from the food topic do you? Well, I am just going to wrap this up, because the longer this interviews goes, the less and less likely I feel that it will actually get published. Is there anything you would like to tell our audience before we go.

NGF:When life hands you lemons, pelt life in the face with those very same lemons.

AR:Words of truth if ever their were any.

BFTSOB 5: Living up to the name "Dumb Stuff I Wrote!"

I have received a number of complaints (well, one complaint, by Shane), saying I don't blog enough.

Have you read a blog by me that I did just because there was nothing else to do but blog.

It would sound a little a-like-a-dis...

So, me and Luke Wilson were hanging out at a Taco Bell talking about our theological views. I was on my second bean burrito and Luke was finishing up his double dump chalupa when Dick Clark came in the door counting down to the year 2007. Now, when this happened it was the middle of November, so you can imagine our surprise. He still had a lot of seconds to go. The last time I saw Dick Clark in a Taco Bell , he entered himself in the 2001 Taco Bell celebrity "Eat until you pass out" contest. If you remember correctly it was the event that Ben Affleck, Snoop Dogg, and John Tesh were all hospitalized at. Most of them on there third bag of cinnacrisp. But not Dick Clark, his iron stomach never gave in.

But I digress, I looked at Luke and gave him the code word, "Twinkie". He knew that this meant to lay down suppressive fire. Luke whipped out his Uzi and emptied his clip forcing all the taco bell workers to duck for cover. I took this moment to hop over the counter and into the grease laden kitchen where they make the "food". I snatched up all the toys that go in the kids meals. They were toys based on the movie Fast Getaway staring Corey Haim.

I heard a click. "I'm out!", Luke yelled at me.

AHHHHH!! OK, I am going to stop now. Do you see where this is going. I was trying to stop posting blogs like this. Me, writing about the first thing that comes to mind is a dangerous thing. Especially for Dick Clark.

Why can't I blog about normal things, like this sore in the back of my mouth. Have you ever had some one stab you in the mouth with a tooth pick covered in Texas Pete's Wing sauce. No? Well, I guess you don't hang out at Jimmy's House of Lacerations. Any who, that's what it feels like. I have been using that sore throat numbing spray. It helps, but the after taste leaves me feeling like I ate a rusty microwave.

I started reading Nobody Gets the Girl by James Maxey. It calls its self a comic book novel. The main characters name is Richard Rogers. After Dr. Know goes back in time and accidentally erases Richard from existence (kind of). Richard awakes in his own house and finds that he and his wife don't live there anymore, but in his place in another married couple. After repeated attempts to talk to the new tenets of the house, he soon finds out that he is invisible and is unable to be heard.

Dr. Know knows that he has erased Richards past. He takes him from his old house and brings him to a mansion. Dr. Know is able to see Richard because he believes he exist. Apparently this is genetic, because his two daughters also can see him as well.

I really like it so far.

Well, that's it I'm done blogging for today. I think some people just need to learn patience.

Best of 2006 1.5

In the books section of my Best of 2006 post I said I don't read that many books that come out in a given year.

Well, I just finished The Ghost Brigades by John Scalzi, and this is best book of 2006.

It is a stand alone follow up to his 2005 novel Old Man's War, which is also great.

So there. Go read it or know that you missed out on the book Norton G. Francenstien called the best book of the year.

Just so you know, John Scalzi also got the Hugo award for best new author, so you know it's not just me.

Empire and the Bad Book Bug

Even the best of authors can write bad stories.

Orson Scott Card is by far my favorite author, but Empire is bad. Card's writing is great. I have read more than twenty of his novels. I love Ender's Game, Ender's Shadow, The Alvin Maker Series, Treasure Box, and Lost Boys. Most everything I have ever read from Card was engrossing and fulfilling.

But not Empire. It is mostly uninteresting. The first two hundred pages are readable, but after that it slows down.

Empire is a new near future work of Science Fiction that has America in the second civil war. After the President is assassinated, the Protagonist Reuben becomes the prime suspect. For good reason too, his assignment for the pentagon had him looking for possible ways to assassinate the President. He quickly realizes that the report he filled has been leaked, and now the leader of the US is dead, as is the Vice President.

The Speaker of the House takes over a president, and it soon becomes clear to him and Reuben that these plans were leaked to place the blame on the US military and Reuben. When Reuben and his new assistant, Cole, go to visit New York City, they find them selves under attack. The city has been overtaken by Mechs (see the Hoth battle in Empire Strikes Back).

It turns out that these attacks are being planed by the extremist liberals. The next civil war is between the red states and the blue states.

Usually, I find my self agreeing with most of OSC political views. I don't dislike this book because of Card's viewpoints, but for the same reason I dislike most of the Christian Fiction that has come out as of late. There is something other than a great story that is getting across here.

This book is based on an upcoming video game. Which should be the first hint that this book wasn't going to be up to the level of Card's previous works. The publishers of the game had certain things that needed to happen in the story. I think one of the things was the mechs. But being under that requirement, being in the box, must have effected his writing. I found myself skimming the last hundred pages. I NEVER SKIM. I like eating up every morsel that a story has to offer. But, I could not wait to get this one over with.

Which leads me to the bad book bug. Anytime I read a bad book, I over analyze why a book is bad. Then, when I start a new book, I start analyzing it. Reading works better for me when I just sit back relax and enjoy the story. It usually takes a couple of days for me to get over the bad book bug.

Last month, I read a book by John Scalzi called Old Man's War. It was fantastic, reminded me a lot of Ender's Game. Probably because it's military fiction. I started The Ghost Brigades, the sequel to Old Man's War. I am enjoying it, but I would be enjoying it a lot more if I could just get over this bug. Argg!

The Fresh Market

Who knew going to the super market was so fun? I'm not talking about Super Target where you can buy groceries and a plasma television. I'm talking about a place that only sells food. NO, not Mickey D's. That place will cause you to crap out your gal bladder, even though their fries are awesome.

I am talking about a bona fide grocery store. The Fresh Market, fools!

Both me and my wife have started shopping at the new store in town, and we peed our pants all up and down that place with excitement. There is something for everyone. Like a meat section that will make a vegan convert. Produce that looks like, well, like it hasn't been sitting in the back for three weeks. A deli that has nice people working in it. Not to mention that what they make in the deli, like chicken and ribs, are great. I haven't tried the ribs but soon and very soon I will. Can you say bulk candy? Yeah, little gummy cola bottles here I come.

Oh, but I saved the best for last. They have a bakery that will melt your face. One look at their cakes, pies, and pastries and you will be saying, "Well, weighing 300 pounds can't be all that bad."

We bought many different things in the two time we have been there. But the bacon takes the cake. They have bacon that will melt your face. Oh... wait, I used that one. They have bacon that will shave you back for you. Yeah, it's good stuff. We cooked up some on Sunday morning and the house smelled like bacon the whole day. And that's not a bad thing when bacon smells like their bacon does. Which smells awesome. The smell will singe your nose hairs.

They have great atmosphere, customer service, and stuff you just can't find anywhere else. There is nothing quite like spending a Sunday afternoon drinking up their free wine and apple cider.

I love looking into the faces of my fellow shoppers and see a combination of glee and intoxication.

I felt like I was walking through Willie Wonka's Room where everything was edible.

The Best of 2006

I hate media. All of it, without exception. Movies, music, games, books, you name it, I can't stand.

Well, except for all the I thought was awesome that came out this year.

Music

Stadium Arcadium by Red Hot Chili Peppers, My Island by Starflyer 59, The Best-Worst Case Scenario by Fair, The Crane Wife by The Decemberist, Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes, ...and the Summertime Pool Party by Pigeon John.

Movies

Monster House, Walk the Line, Nanny McPhee, and Superman Returns

Thats about it on the movies this year. Kinda slow year.

Books

I don't read a lot of books on the year they came out. Most of the time I pick them up years down after their release. The books I did read that came out in 2006 were House and Saint by Ted Dekker, The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly, and The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor. The only one I would suggest to you is Looking Glass Wars. It's and alternate version of Alice and Wonderland, and it turned out pretty well.

Games

Year in and year out, my favorite game is usually a sports title, except for the year that Halo 2 came out, and this year. Although NCAA Football 07 is amazing and I still play it a couple times a week.

The best game that came out in 2006 is New Super Mario Bros. It was outselling all other games on all other systems for months. It plays like a dream.

The other great games game of 2006 I played were, Far Cry Instincts (XBox), Yoshi's Island (DS), Tetris (DS), and Club House Games (DS).

In Conclusion

Well, 2006 was awesome. I got married in 2006, what did you do?

The 50th Post

It's been a long a long hard road. This marks the fiftieth post on Dumb Stuff I Wrote.

While it is true that I wrote a few post that are no longer on the site and How to Run Someone Over and Not Get Caught, can hardly be considered a post. I still feel a sense of accomplishment. From here on out the blog should be looking up. I think I have learned a lot in the past 50 post. Like, not posting when you are drunk, and not putting icing on your wifes face when you know she normally wouldn't hit you in the face with cake in the first place. Otherwise you will just end up with nostrils full of dairy product.

In the past seven months I have written 49 post. Some of them good, others not so good. So, if you don't mind I would like to suggest some of my favorites.

I think the Mutant League Poker was my first good entry. I spent time on the other posts, but I feel that this one came off pretty well. It was one of the first post I wrote after thinking about it for a while, so it was written better than the post where I just sit down and start typing about any old crap.

Follow that up with Stealth! Who Needs Stealth?, which is me talking about playing a video game, but I still had fun writing it.

Then, there are the blogs about the restaurants I hate. Like, Letter To WHATABURGER, Calling In Sick, and Sackful o' Death. All of which were a blast to write. It's true that for the most part in these blogs I am just ripping off of Jim Gaffigan's comedy act, but I don't care.

One of my favorites is Who Would Win in a Fight? It is the epic tale of two classic gladiators duking it out.

If I had to narrow down the list of post you should never read down to three, I think they would be, For The Last Time, Let It Snow!, and Totally Dorky Complete. Really I am telling the truth, don't read them.

I feel that I have become a better writer since I stared this blog. When I go back and read the previous post I made here, I can really see the difference in the way I write. Granted, I am not an awesome word smith, by any stretch of the imagination. Some of my early posts really had some issues. I will also admit the some of the newer post have issues, but the new issues are just me not thinking before I sit down and write.

Where do we go from here? Well, I promise to continue to write post about any kind of crap that comes to mind. I also plan to continue pretending that there are thousands of people that read my blog. I swear I will live up to the standards that have been set in place here a Dumb Stuff I Wrote!, or my name isn't Norton G. Francenstiengulburgerhouse the third.

For the record, I would much rather eat at a place called "Francenstiengulburgerhouse" than Krystal's any day of the week.

How to Open a Pomegranate

Not the way I open one.

A couple of weeks ago my wife picked up a little information about how you pick out a pomegranate. They say you are supposed to look for the heaviest and reddest pomegranate you can find. But, the last time we did that, we ended up with one that was gray, not red, on the inside. Needless to say we didn't eat it.

So, last night we got another pomegranate home, not the heaviest or reddest in the store. I pulled out the instructions on how to open a pomegranate. I started by cutting off the top and bottom, then I quartered the middle parts. I grabbed a bowl of water, like they said to, and picked the seeds/fruit off and put them in the water. As I am doing this my wife tells me I am getting juice every where. And pomegranate juice is the same color as cranberry juice, and I would think stains in with the same potency.

There was juice on my shorts, on the walls, and on the floors. (Warning: Fedge is about to exaggerate, big time!) I mean, the kitchen looked like a scene from Friday the 13th. The cats had a red slimy layer, that they tracked all through out the house. I think pomegranates are best opened outside.

After 16 hours of clean up, I was ready to enjoy the Japaneses apple, as they call it. It's nothing like an apple. Except that it is tart... and has seeds in the middle. Well, its a fruit, like an apple. Whatever. But it is pretty tasty, and as tart as it is, I have had a sugar buzz all morning. Plus, there is a butt load of fruit in a pomegranate. I have enough to last me through the week. I just wonder how long the pomegranate fad will last. But while it's here, I plan on drinking everything in the store that says pomegranate on it.

The Pomegranate Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink (or PAGTED for short) is awesome.

Net Savvy and My Blog

OK, that last post sucked. The only reason I did that was because I wanted to prove to myself I had the know how to make a picture link.

It's not really that hard, it just makes me feel so net savvy.

I mean, have you looked at my myspace? I use the default settings. I have seen some web pages made by eight year olds that look better than anything I have ever made.

Do you ever think back to something you did in your past and shake your head in shame? You maybe the only one who knows about it, and it may make no difference in who you are today, but you can't help but feeling that you are an idiot when ever you think about that event.

Well, that's what it is like for me when I read my blog. If I ever want to be reminded myself of how dumb I can be, all I need to do is go back and read any one of my many entries.

Let it Snow!

Every snow flake is unique. Even the ones that say "Super Fedge" on them. I found out about this site through Orson Scott Card's website.

Snow Days is a website where you can make your own snow flake, save it to their database, and watch your snow flake fall on the website for all to see. I made two. One that said "Super Fedge" and one that said "Poop". One track mind I know.

Look, a banner ad for you to click!


Any who, you can search all the flakes that have been made or watch as new flakes fall. There are some really creative ones as well. I don't have enough time or energy to actually try to make something nice (Actually I have the time and energy, just not the talent).

Want to see the "Super Fedge" snowflake. Click the banner above and enter this flake ID number: 2825615, then witness the magesticnicity.

Soon to be Published

Hopefully, if he doesn't forget, I will be published in Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show. Granted, it will be in the letters to the editor section of the website, but still, it's pretty wicked awesome.

I e-mailed a letter to the editor a while ago to tell him how much I enjoyed the latest edition of the magazine. Being that it was the first issue he was editor of, and it turned out great, I felt the need to let him know he was doing a good job.

I got an e-mail back from him, telling me he appreciated my letter, and wanted to know if he could post it on the letters to the editor section of the site. I was like, "Yes, hurry up and post it."

This is the first step to becoming big time. Soon web sites from all over will want me to write them so they can publish my letters online. I bet they are going to get so many hits when my letter goes online.

On The Air and Sales People

Today was the store's official grand re-opening. We had a local radio station do a remote from the store. The manager and owner did an on air interview with the DJ. I was also interviewed.

The manager and the owner were both very professional and I was a total moron.

I had my DJ voice on. I was talking like a salesman, "We are stepping it up today, with big sales on music and books! So, come on down here and sign up for our card and get 10% off everything in the store."

Come to find out, I am going to be on the radio once a month. Doing what you ask? I will be telling people about new releases and trying to sell them stuff. I hope I can tone it down so I don't sound like an ass. I am not really a salesman, but I could easily become one if I am not careful.

My dad was a salesman, and I know how to act friendly to people. But, that's not who I want to be. I just want to be a genuine guy, who is real with people. I don't like being that over the top sales dude. I would rather be the guy who is trying to sell you something because I think you really would like it. I want to be nice to people because I am a nice person, not because I want to meet a quota.

When me and my wife were shopping for rings, we had some turd going all salesman on us. After we left, we both said we didn't want to give them our business. Just tell us what you have, and we will make our own decision. Don't pretend to be my buddy either, because all you really want is my money. You don't really like me, you didn't invite me to any barbecue's you had at your house. We haven't know each other for years, so stop acting like we are friends.

Sorry, but salespeople frustrate me. That's why becoming one scares me.

Sackful O' Death

This is such a successful blog. My readers come from all over the globe. I get e-mail after e-mail asking, "What other fast food joints make you sick?"

You know I hate WHATABURGER and Subway, but I have only hinted at the shrine of sickness in my blog. Krystal's is the worst fast food joint in the land. There is only one thing that makes me more sick that a bean burrito from Taco Bell, and that's a burger from Krystal's (or at least what they laughingly call a burger).

When the Krystal Burger was first made, it was a normal size burger. The first man to partake of the normal size Krystal Burger died as soon as the grease hit his stomach. It is the first recorded death caused by fast food. Many more followed as Krystal's grew in popularity.

After this tragedy, the maker of the Burger of Shame decided that in its original form, the Krystal Burger was too much for any normal person to handle. That is why they sized it down to a sliver of what looks nothing like meat and a bun that is four times the size of the "meat". Top it of with a substance they call mustard and mayo. Then, add one thin pickle. It's a good thing that pickle is so small, because it is the grossest pickle they could find. Has it been dropped on the ground? Was it found under the seat of the managers car? Who knows? It's just the worst pickle ever!

I think Krystal's is out to cause every one to have liver failure. If you drive by a Krystal's, they have a sign out front that says "Bring home a sackful!" WHY? Why would I want to bring home one of your sandwiches, much less twelve? TWELVE! If you buy a sackful you better have twelve friends at home to help you eat it, because your pancreas can only handle so much. You need to eat what you order from Krystal's as soon as you buy it. With Krystal's there is no such thing as left overs. If you let a "burger" sit for even one hour, the bacteria that they use to flavor the "meat" starts to grow and become an animated sentient life form. If you wait two hours you can see them starting to farm and build a bacteria strip mall. To eat one of these small Krystal villages would be murder, not just because you killed that small community, but also for your stomach lining.

Then, there is the chicken nugget sandwich. Now granted, I have never gotten sick from a Krystal chicken sandwich, but then again I have never eaten more than one of them at a time. They charge, what, a buck fifty for a chicken nugget on a bun. I can go to any other fast food place and get a five nuggets for that price, and I don't have to peel a nasty bun off of them to make it edible.

The next sentence I am going to write may scare my readers, but you must know about this.

KRYSTAL'S MAKES CHILI DOGS!

Chili dogs make everyone sick, no matter where you buy them from! This is a deadly alliance between two evils, to create the most dangerous food known to man. If you ever want to know what it is like to have hallucinations without buying illegal substances, go get yourself a Krystal's chili dog. I will not be held responsible for the mess your wife has to clean up in the bathroom afterwards. And no, I will not pay you for any missed work or doctor bills you get from eating the chili dog. You can eat one if you want, but eat at your own risk.

Poor Guy

I had the experience of taking a diabetic cat to the vet today, because he was having seizures.

It was very traumatizing for myself and my wife. Its one of those things, where you don't really know how much you enjoy having a cat around, until he is not around. We went back to the house briefly after word to calm down, and it was weird having the two cats there without him.

He is going to be OK and he is coming home tonight.

Drunk or Not Drunk?

My blog over the past few days has been really... strange. Some of the things I have said sound like the musings of a dunk vagrant.

Here are some examples,

"One of my favorite blogs to write was the one about the small town in Alabama that was completely over run by man eating late night Taco Bell managers."

Now I ask you, Drunk or Not Drunk?

How about this one,

"Then if I were a planet made out of butter pecan ice cream I would call myself 'Chester: The Planet made from Butter Pecan Ice Cream'. That would be so awesome."

Drunk or Not Drunk?

"So, when someone ask you 'Who would win in a fight, Neo or Obi Wan?', you can confidently say 'That Glove guy from Hamburger Helper."

Yep! DRUNK!

I started another blog, because it makes me feel special. It's called The Steaming Pile. If you go there now, before I wise up and delete it, there is a really stupid story. I mean REAL stupid! Just me acting drunk.

Update: Fedge finally woke up. The Steaming Pile is no more. Don't worry, he will most likely do something really stupid and start another blog that no one wants to read.

For The Last Time

So, this one time me and my friend Francesco went to Toy's R Us dressed up as Barbara Streisand and Fred Savage. People left and right were coming up to me asking for Fred Savage's autograph. Yet, no one came up to Barbara/Francesco and asked for hers. I think this proves beyond a shadow of doubt that Fred Savage is better than Barbara Streisand. So now you can stop asking me.

YA Novels

I have been reading two "YA" books.

The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor
and
Eragon by Christopher Paolini.

I finished The Looking Glass Wars this morning. It was very good and fun to read. The story moved at a fast pace, almost too fast. That's really my only complaint. There are parts of the story I wish he would have spent more time developing. The pace seemed to fluctuate between really fast and what I would consider a normal story pace. The character development was spot on though.

It is the first YA novel I have read in a while, which is fine by me. There is a lot of great young adult fiction out there.

I am trying to figure out what classifies a novel as YA. Is it young main characters, or the publisher saying, "This is appropriate for young readers"?

One of my favorite novels is Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. Ender is a boy, who by the end of the novel, is just a teenager. The book was not published as a YA novel, yet the YA edition of it out sells the "adult" edition. There are no textual differences, just a more cartoon like cover.

Ender's Game is violent in parts. It is a dark story. It has some vulgar language. Yet, it is a successful YA novel.

As I am writing this I realize that a YA novel is a YA novel because the publisher says so. So I guess I figured that out.

So uhh... now I am debating publishing this post. It's not really a well written post. I have some issues with it. Like, how I didn't go into greater detail about the book I read. What was I thinking? Then, I asked a question that I answered in a few paragraphs, and not really to my liking. There is nothing informative in this blog. Other than the fact I named the blog Dumb Stuff I Wrote, which appears to be appropriate. This is some really dumb stuff.

So since this is dumb stuff, and the blog is called Dumb Stuff, I will publish it.

Two questions I had answered by myself in one post. That has got to be a record.

BFTSOB 4: The Worst Blog Since The First Blog

One of my biggest imaginary fans asked me, "What is the best blog you ever wrote?"

Well that's a tough question. I have written so many blogs, it's hard to pick a favorite.

One of my favorite blogs to write was the one about the small town in Alabama that was completely over run by man eating late night Taco Bell managers.

Then there was the one about "How to Shave All the Animals at Your Local Zoo and Not Get Caught"

Writing blogs is a form of release. I pretend that people actually want to hear what I have to say. We all know that they don't, but that won't stop me. I will write a blog about anything and then swear it is based on actual fact. Just because you tried to hit someone with your car and got away with it, doesn't mean that I wanted you to try it. What were you thinking Fezner? (Just so you know, Fezner is my super fan I made up.)

So, yeah! This blog is the product of me sitting down and writing with nothing particular in mind. This might just be the worst blog to ever written. You must feel so honored to have been here for it. I have a feeling you might have enjoyed reading the results of a 5 year old banging away on the keyboard. So here is a mid-twenties male bang away on the keyboard. I got to give the people what they want.

Signing out,
agiwohoihagw940qq8yb0asjiopvji39q350i 0-[]\p[q-\q0\i

How to Run Someone Over and Not Get Caught

Drive really fast!

Christian Fiction

This may not come as a big surprise to you, but christian fiction is not that great.

When I first became a Christian, I didn't read anything but the bible for a year. After deciding that it is OK to read something else, I picked up a few fiction books a the Family Christian Store in Gainesville.

Deadline by Randy Alcorn
and
The Visitation by Frank Peretti

While I enjoyed both of them, but they still lacked something I wanted in my fiction.

Shortly after reading these two books, I bought Heavens Wager by Ted Dekker. A decent work of fiction in its own right, but the prequel When Heaven Weeps was the first Christian book I truly enjoyed whole hearted. It was graphic and challenging, with characters that stuck with me. I had found my new favorite author.

Dekker released great original stories novel after novel. Blessed Child, Blink, and my favorite Thr3e. He also wrote, his most creative fiction series, The Circle Trilogy, which consisted of Black, Red, and White. All of which had great characters, both heroes and villains. Ted usually has a problem with villains, they all seem to be developed in the same manner. His villain have no quality, they are all evil to the bone. They don't deal with an inner struggle over what they are doing. Killing is what they do, and there is no remorse. His villains are never doing what there doing for reasons other than greed and hatred. The Circle Trilogy is the only exception.

But ever since Ted wrote The Circle he seems to be in a slump. Not a slump in the sense of he isn't coming up with good ideas. The problem is in the way he tries to force a Christian message into his stories.

Take his newest novel Saint. The books starts of at a heart pounding pace. The protagonist, Carl, doesn't know who he is, other than that he is an assassin. He is given a mission, that turns out to be a farce, just a training exercise. The woman he thinks is his wife, is not.

As the story unravels the pace quickens, and you find out that Carl is really a character from a previous Dekker novel.

Now you feel like you are in for a wild ride. That is when the book comes to a stop. Now it's time for a good talking to. The message in Saint is about love. Which is fine, I love love. But, it is completely out of place here.

There it is, the problem with Christian fiction. That in the midst of a great story, you have to stop everything and add in a moral, that the reader probably already knows, and disrupts the whole story.

This can be done right, but, I think that your story should come from the moral, don't just throw one in so your christian publisher is happy. When Heaven Weeps was an influential book in my christian development. One of the reasons was because the moral was not forced, the lesson that Ted wanted to teach was in the context of the story. When you have to have an all wise teacher, stop in the middle of the story, and start preaching to the reader, you are doing it wrong. When Jesus told parables, the story was the lesson. None of the characters had to stop and give a sermon. If you have to tell readers what the moral is, then you are not telling the story right.

Come on Ted you can do better!

I will continue to read Dekker, at least for one more book. But, after reading Orson Scott Card, Tim Pratt, and other main stream authors, it is hard for me to settle for sub-par fiction, just so I can read works by Christian authors.

Calling in Sick

I haven't posted in a long time. I've had a lot of stuff going on, and didn't have time to get on the computer. But here is the recap in hyperfast instant replay!

In the past 2 weeks I meet my fiancees parents for the first time, got married, and started a new job today.

Wow that was a hyperfast recap!

I am married now, which is way better than not being married. It is good to know that I found the right woman and that I get to be with her forever. Plus, there are certain perks that come with being married. *wink wink*

Any who, at my new job I have access to the Internet, which means more blogs and more slacking off. I can't believe those turds at Publix wanted me to work when I was on the clock. Can you believe the nerve?

It made me want to call in sick! But, I am a honest man and would not call in sick unless it was so. Which gave me an idea. I figured out how to call in sick not be lying!

Lets say that you wake up in the morning and just can't cope with the fact that you have to work. You say to yourself "I wish I was sick and about to vomit, so I could call in sick." Well now you can be that sick whenever you want. Here is how it is done.

Get in your car and drive to you local KFC. Preferably one with the buffet. If they don't have the buffet, be sure to buy some original recipe for quicker more violent results.

But, for those of you who find a KFC with a buffet, you will want to eat from it. Stay around the "chicken" side of the buffet, and avoid the salad. Eat some original recipe, be sure to get some chicken livers too. I would say that two trips to the bar ought to be enough. Just don't go back for thirds, because you just want to call in sick, not get a hospital bill.

At this point you can choose to call in, or better yet, show up at work like your ready to work. While calling in would probably do, nothing is better than to have your employer actually see the sweat pouring down from your face. There is no way your boss can say you are faking after he sees the green hue your skin tone has now become. You may need someone to drive you home because you will have most likely lost most of the feeling in your legs by now.

Well, you did it. You are now home sick. Was it worth it you lazy bastard?

A Typical Post

I really like writing blogs. There is one problem though. I find it hard to think of stuff to write about week in and week out. Most of the blogs I read with any regularity consist of the authors updating us on the week or day they are having. So here it is, my attempt at a typical post.

Last night was date night. The first one in a while. We went to the Macaroni Grill, and stuffed our selves full of carbohydrates. Correction: I stuffed myself full, my fiancee didn't eat that much, on a count she had a gettin' married party at work and got to eat lots o' cake. Also, before we went to eat we picked out and bought temporary rings. We are planing on giving them to our kids after we get our "real" wedding bands. Oh yeah, and after we have kids of course.

We also got our wedding license this past Wednesday. I felt really good about that.

Just so you know how long it takes me to write a blog, it has now been 15 minutes since I started writing and all I have done is two paragraphs and one sentence excluding this paragraph. That's sad. Maybe once I get married and get my job situation figured out I will be able to think more clearly and write better blogs.

Maybe writing blogs in the morning isn't the best idea. For me, that's kind of like writing a blog when you are drunk.

"Ifin I were a planet that had it's own time zone, I would be Pluto. Oh, wait, that's not a planet anymore. Then if I were a planet made out of butter pecan ice cream I would call myself 'Chester: The Planet made from Butter Pecan Ice Cream'. That would be so awesome. Then I could make up my own laws and have my own butter pecan currency. You could either spend your paycheck or eat it. Hehe. I am so drunk" said intoxicated Fedge.

Well, so maybe writing in the morning is better than writing when your drunk. But, not by much.

It has now been 25 minutes since I started writing and I am done waisting my time on this not so typical post. Again, I feel as if I must apologize to those that are reading it. It was the morning when I wrote this, and my blog is called "Dumb Stuff I Wrote". If that isn't warning enough, then I don't know what is.

You've Got to Flow, Pancreatic Juice

I still remember the first non-christian music cassette I ever owned. Weird Al Yankovic's Polka Party! I mean who could forget such hits like "Toothless People" and "Living with a Hernia"? Clearly not me!

This past weekend I picked up Straight out of Lynwood the new CD/DVD from Weird Al, and it is everything I expected.

I am one of the biggest Weird Al fans I know. I don't know anyone else that owns all his records. But, I will be the first to admit, he recycles song ideas.


It seem that on every other album he has a song about what is popular on television at the time. "Couch Potato" and "The Brady Bunch" are filled with just references to TV shows. Frankly they aren't really funny. Except for the fact that the Brady theme song sounds really good when sung to the tune of "The Safety Dance".

Each album usually has a "love" song. The songs usually deal with how much he hates the woman he is with, or how much she hates him.

Then he throws in a food song like "Grapefruit Diet" or "Taco Grande".

Then a talk show song like, "Jerry Springer" or "Talk Soup"

There is one idea he keeps rehashing that is always enjoyable though. The polka covers! It doesn't get old, listening to recent hit songs redone polka style.

That being said, Mr. Yankovic also comes up with some new stuff on each album. One of my favorites is on the new CD. It's called "Pancreas". It's a song about, well, his pancreas, and how much he loves all the stuff it does for him. He loves the way it breaks down carbohydrates just for him.

Really, I don't know why I am writing a blog about this. I think it is just because I wanted to call it You've Got to Flow, Pancreatic Juice. I think I also wrote this because I haven't updated my blog in a while, and I feel I have an obligation to my imaginary fans. I do so hate disappointing them.

Two Weeks Notice 2: This Time it's Two Weeks in Advance

Guess who is getting married in 2 weeks. ME!

Just thought you would like to know.

Who Would Win in a Fight?

"Who do you think would win in a fight?" is one of the most asked questions ever. I have been in plenty of conversations with my friends about impossible dream match ups. The question is usually not asked about people that we actually know, often it's fictional characters. Like, Neo (The Matrix) vs. Obi Wan Kenobi (If you don't know who Obi Wan is, just move on to another blog).

It seems like such a simple question. You would think someone like me would just say "Neo" and be done with it. But no, I try to rationalize a clear and decisive winner.

Let us expound on the Neo/Kenobi fight.

The first thing I would ask is "Who's world are they fighting in?" Because Neo doesn't know how to use the force in the Star Wars world, and if they are in the Matrix, then there would be no force. So, I would rationalize that Obi Wan Kenobi is in the Matrix and when he uses the force what he is actually doing is manipulating the Matrix.

Now that we have established the venue, so to speak, I would look into the characters themselves.

Neo is from one good movie that people like, and two that everyone hates.

Obi Wan is in 3 movies that stand the test of time (even if you let George Lucas add in musical numbers) and 3 movies that are filled with poor dialog and crap acting.

So Neo has a 66% suck rating while Obi Wan has a 50% suck rating.

I don't really know what this has to do with anything but I will try to work it in somehow.

Now to the Fight

I guess I need to come up with a reason why they are fighting.

Obi Wan is walking around town and catches a glimpse of Neo out of the corner of his eye. Obi Wan recognizes him and taunts him saying "I liked you better in Bill and Ted." So, of course, this pisses Neo right off.

Wow, I'm really stretching it today!

Well, Obi Wan uses his infamous force foot in the ass maneuver. But Neo telegraphs it and attacks back with his Matrix foot square in yo ass maneuver. Both foot in ass maneuvers off-set and we go to a tie breaker.

The tie break is decided by who can eat the most Jello pudding pops.

That is when Neo says "There are no pudding pops." and demands another tie breaker. In the mean time, Obi Wan has consumed 87 pudding pops, sticks and all.

The judges go through 4 more additional attempts at ending this battle with an eating competition. Each ending in the same manner.

Finally, the Judges use the suck factor to decide, and Obi Wan Kenobi is declared the winner. While Obi Wan makes his way sluggishly to the podium to accept his trophy, Neo plants a second foot square in yo ass maneuver that leaves Obi Wan unable to accept his award.

The Judges are speechless. Who should they give the award to? Neo clearly sucks and Obi Wan has a foot in his ass. The judges elect to give the award to the Glove from the Hamburger Helper box.

I hope this finally puts the Obi Wan/Neo debate to rest. So, when someone ask you "Who would win in a fight, Neo or Obi Wan?", you can confidently say "That Glove guy from Hamburger Helper."

Blogging for the Sake of Blogging 3:Blogging with Avengence

It's a rainy Wednesday, and my ass is damp. "How is your ass damp, Fedge?" you might ask. Well the windows in my brothers car, don't go all the way up. Did I say windows? I meant window. The window on the front seat passenger side. We went to Adam's Ribs to eat lunch, which was great, their collard greens are usually awesome. Anyway, when we left my seat was soaked, and shortly afterwards, so was my butt.

A friend of my dad's business was eating there as well. There was some song on the radio that I don't know anything about. The friend of the business asked my brother if he knew who was singing the song. My reply was "Leonard Zeppelin."

Here at the office we are packing all kinds of crap up to sell. Most of which isn't working, and is covered in a dusty goo. Now that I think of it, I don't think there can be such a thing as a dusty goo. Wouldn't the dust get into the goo? The dust would then be stuck and it couldn't mess up my sinuses. I guess the phones are really covered in a goo that is filled with dust.

Our Secretary got back from Arizona today. She got me a nice shirt that says "Arizona" on it. I have never been to Arizona, but now I can pretend.

Now that I am think of it, I might not have put deodorant on today! Luckily it looks like the only place I will be stinking up before I get a chance to shower is the office. But, it often has a much worse smell coming from it long before I get there.

In conclusion, I really need to think harder before I sit down to write a blog.

What in the Name of Pete Sampras

That is what I said on Sunday!

The Tampa Bay Bucs got there ass kicked all up and down their own stadium yesterday. "What in the name of Pete Sampras is going on?" This was going to be Simms (QB) year. We didn't make any bad off-season changes that would effect us in such a negative manner, did we? The Ravens were slapping Chris Simms passes all over the field. Our defense did ok, but when your offense puts no points on the board and they allow the defense to return an interception for a touchdown, there is really nothing you can do. I think Simms had 3 INT's.

Even more bad news in my fantasy group. This week I played against Nesto, who is a major Atlanta Falcons fan. His first four draft picks were all Falcons. It is a well known fact that people who draft a lot of players from their favorite team don't do well. That is unless you are playing against me. Vick had a projected score of 6, and he posted 16. His WR Jenkins projected 2 and scored 9. The Atlanta defense projected 8 and posted 15.

All of this while my QB Carson Palmer was projected at 17 and scored -2. NEGATIVE! "What in the name of Pete Sampras?"

Next week doesn't look that great for the TB Bucs. We are on the road in Atlanta. A game that Nesto is going to. We better win because I don't want to feel the wrath of Nesto!

On the upside, in the Survival group I am in (you only pick one team to win, and if they lose you are out) Nesto picked the Bucs as his pick and is out, while myself and my sister are the only ones still alive. My thanks go out to Philly for not blowing their game against the Texans.

Tonight is the Night and Steve Irwin

Oh the unofficial holiday, how I do enjoy their existence.

Lets see, there is Super Bowl Sunday, Madden Day, and the first game of the NFL season (which happens to be tonight.)

I does not matter who plays, just that they play for a win or a loss that means something. Pre-Season is over, thank goodness, and the Dolphins will play the World Champion Steelers tonight as the NFL makes its return to NBC. It should be a great game. The Dolphins are much improved with Dante Culpepper under center now, it looks like they could be a big playoff contender.

I don't really know what else to say other than, "Hot Damn, I am ready for some football!"

Steve Irwin

As you may or may not know, the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin died on
Monday. There are not a lot of celebrities that I would really be sad
about should they meet a sudden and unexpected demise. I am not saying
that I don't care, but I usually don't concern myself with celebrities.
But, I grew up watching Steve Irwin attacking random reptiles. He is
easily my favorite nature show host. Steve would kickCorwin ass! How do you not like the Croc Hunter? He does all kinds of crazy stuff to entertain you and he will teach you stuff along the way.

I know that most people will say nice stuff about you when you die, but I
really think that Steve was the real deal when he was on TV. I bet he
got just as excited about lunch, as he did when he caught some rare
deadly snake. "Crikey, I love hummus." The other thing is he really
loved the work he was doing. He would risk his life for the animals at
his zoo, and I do not doubt he would do the same for his family. Being
a fan of the Florida Gators, I couldn't get enough of the Croc Hunter tackling Albert the Alligator on ESPN. Steve was over the top, and I loved every minute of it.

I am going to miss watching his show. My prayers are with his family.

Lazy Bones and Subway

Man I'm a slacker. I take so long to update my blog.

I can't eat at Subway, and I love sandwiches. When I worked in lawn maintenance the Foreman of the crew loved eating veggie subs from Subway. Needless to say we ate there multiple times a week. But that is not really why I can't eat there anymore. It has more to do with the smell that people get on themselves when they leave Subway.

I first noticed it when I was working at the bookstore. There was a Subway near by and my co-workers ate there often. After they took their lunch break, I would be working next to them, that is when I would ask "What is that smell?" It turns out every time someone I worked with ate at Subway, they would have an odor that followed them around, and it wasn't gas.

It got to the point I could tell if someone had eaten at Subway just by the smell they brought with them. I started noticing it in bookstores, library's, and restrooms across the city. The last time I ate at Subway, I had a low-carb wrap. When I left I had that "Eat Fresh" odor on me. That was the last straw. No more Subway for me.

Which leads me to this, unless there are no other sub restaurants in your town, there is no reason to eat at Subway. If you have a Publix, Larry's Giant Sub's, or a Hogan's Heroes near by, you will get a better sandwich and no extra odors.

Get Me to The Office on Time!

Right now it's 9:35 am in the morning on Thursday. I was told yesterday, by my brother and father, to be at the office by 9:00 am, "So, we can get an early start." Well, here I am, writing a blog with no one around to get me to do work. My brothers not here. My dad is not here. Its just me and my blog hanging out. This is not the first time this has happened. As a matter of fact, I can't recall a time when I was told to be at the office at a certian time, and the people who told me to be there were also on time. But thats O.K. becuase I have recieved 8 or so calls this morning from my brother, dad, and our secretary telling me "I'm on the way", "I'm running a little late", or "I be there in a bit". Yeah! Now, I am finishing this post, and it is 9:44 am, and my dad just pulled in.

Jolt n' Make Cook with the Furnace or Mute Material which I Wrote or Blogging for the Sake of Blogging 2

Wow long title today.

Just to let everyone know, "Jolt n' Make Cook with the Furnace" is "Shake n' Bake" translated to French translated back to English. Babel Fish is great!

It's raining like a freak today, but the sun is still outside and I'm feeling fine. I get to go on a date tonight with my fiancee, and it's going to be great. I am going to eat some spicy food that will leave my intestines in a jumble. The best part is that I get to go out to eat with a woman who does not care if I spend twenty minutes in the bath room leaving an odor that permeates the strongest of air fresheners.

I also just checked out the new TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) trailer. Oh so sweet. After watching it I realized the genius of doing a Ninja Turtle's Movie in CGI. Now the can make Leonardo do all kind of crazy crap, without the restriction of a heavy turtle outfit.

My A/C is broke in my van and it's unbelievably hot outside. After I get home, I look like I did a butt load of work. When all I really did was make phone calls. Hot mini-van makes me stink as well.

Well, this blog isn't going that great.

In conclusion, uhh... I got nothin'. Have a good day!

Madden NFL 07 and Babel Fish

Please stop e-mailing me, you imaginary people. I know it has been a week since I blogged for yo ace. So what? I'm busy!

But I'm back now, and just in time for Madden 07.

Usually, the first thing I do with my brand new copy of EA Sports annually pro football release is to play one game against my friend Nesto. He picks the Falcons, I play as the mighty Bucs. When Nesto and I play each other, I normally win 75% of the time. Most of the time by a slim margin.

This year was no exception.

I am getting ahead of myself. If you didn't guess already, Madden release at 12:01 this morning and Nesto was the first one in line to buy our copies. Last night/this morning makes my fourth midnight video game release I have been to (Halo2, NCAA Football 06, NCAA Football 07, and Madden 07.) Last night was by far the most fun I have had at one of these functions. It is a special thing to find a small store filled with video game/NFL dorks. I dorked out for an hour with other fellow Madden fans. That was great fun, but there was a woopin' that needed gettin' done... I think that was the worst sentence I have ever written.

After snatching up our games, we headed over to Nesto's, booted up the XBOX, and fired up the HDTV.

We picked our teams, and we were off.

The Falcons won the coin loss and elected to kick. That's when the Bucs did the unthinkable. They went three and out and punted away to the Falcons. Mike Vick was efficient and scored quickly through the air. After the extra point and ensuing kick-off, the Bucs learned from there first possession, and promptly went 3 and out again. The Falcons scored quickly again, making it 14-0. The Bucs were able to rebound and tie the game up before halftime. You know what? I'm just going to skip ahead, because I'm lazy and you don't really want to read a recap of two dudes playing a video game.

It was the 4th Quarter and the Bucs were down by 3 scores, Falcons had control of the football. Ronde Barber was quiet most of the game until he intercepted a pass that he returned for a touchdown. The Falcons had the ball after the kick-off. Vick made the mistake of throwing it in Barber's direction again, Ronde returned another INT for a TD. The teams were knotted up. Somehow, and I don't remember how, the Bucs scored another touchdown in the forth quarter to take the lead. Not to worry, because Vick came right out and tied it up with a scoring drive of his own. It was time for OT.

Now, I have never had a score like this in Madden, specifically against Nesto, but going in to OT it was 70-70.

The Bucs won the toss and elected to receive. Chris Simms added to his already huge 400 yard game and drove his team down for the winning touchdown. The Bucs retained the title.

Those of you who are still reading, I thank you for humoring me. I know what I wrote today was boring and dumb. But this is "DUMB STUFF I WROTE!" What did you think you were going to get? A Pulitzer Prize winning essay?

BABEL FISH

Babel Fish is a translation tool you can use for free. It is great fun to take a blog and translate it from English to German, then from German back to English. Below is the very same blog you just read, translated in such a fashion.

Stop please e-mail I, you conceited people. I know that it was one week, since I for yo As blogged. So which? I am busy! But I back now am, and straight quite-show to make you 07 moved. Normally annually profuse ball release a play friend Nesto mean approximately to play the first thing, which I do with my brand-new copy I/O of the sport, are. He selects the falcons, I plays as the powerful Bucs out. If Nesto and I play us, I normally win 75% of the time. Most the time by a thin side edge. This year was not an exception. I receive before me. If you not already estimated, make this morning moved for release with 12:01 and Nesto was first in the line to buy to our copies. Last night/this morning forms means fourth midnight video game release, which was I (Halo2, NCAA football 06, NCAA football 07 and make 07.) moved yesterday evening was by far most fun, which I had had with one of these functions. It is a special thing, to a small memory to find filled with videogame/NFL dorks. I dorked one hour long with other companion moved make out fans. That was large fun, but there was woopin ', the necessary getane gettin '... I think, which was the worst sentence, which, I had at all written. After we snatched up our plays, we precede more rueber to Nestos, loaded up the XBOX, and up the HDTV fired. We selected our crews and we were out. The falcons won the coin loss and select, in order to step. That is, when the Bucs did the inconceivable. They went to three and out and stocherten away to the falcons. Mike was efficiently and fast counted by air Vick. After the point of extra and the following Kick off the Bucs learned there from the first possession and went immediately to 3 and out again. The falcons fast again counted, it 14-0 forming. The BucsWAREN in the situation to recoil and the play before half time to bind above. They know, what? I am fair going jumping over in front because I am lazy and you would not like to really read a recapitulation of two Gecken, which played a video game. It was that 4. Quarter one and the Bucs were down by 3 notches, falcons had controlling of the football. Ronde gentleman hairdresser was calm at most of the play, until he intercepted a run, which he returned for a Touchdown. The falcons had the ball after the Kick off. Vick made the error of it in the direction of the gentleman hairdresser again throws, to ronde returned others, which are for a TD INTERNAL. The crews were geknotet above. Somehow and I remember as, did not count the Bucs another Touchdown in far quarters, in order to take the line. Do not worry themselves, because Vick came to the right out and with a counting drive of its bound it above. It was time for OT. Now I never had a notch, as this was going inside, specifically against Nesto moved to make, but, inside to OT, it 70-70. The Bucs won throws and selects, in order to receive. Chris Simms added its already very large 400-Yard-Spiel and drove its crew down for the attractive Touchdown. The Bucs kept the title. Of you, that are calm measured value, I thank you for the giving way I. I white that which I wrote today was boringly and mutely. But this is "MUTE MATERIAL, which I WROTE!" What did you think you were to be received? A Pulitzer Prize attractive attempt?

Totally Dorky Complete

It's no secret that I am a complete dork total. I like comic book movies and science fiction novels. If you were to ask me about any of the new superhero movies that are coming out in the near future, I could most likely tell you who is directing it, what films that director has made in the past, and who is staring in it. I know a lot of stuff about video games too. I read most of the game reviews that show up on Gamespot.com and IGN.com. I should really find something else to spend my time researching.

I could read up on astro-physics, computer networking, or the anatomy of Shake n' Bake. Does it do me any good to know this stuff about movies? I don't think so, it just makes me look like a complete dork total.

Most of my friends spend hours each week playing World of Warcraft. Then, they feel the need to let me know about all the boring stuff they did in the game. I don't care what level your paladin is. What the hell is a paladin anyway?

A couple of days ago, I was dorking out on the phone with my fiancee. Some how I got on the topic of my favorite video game, NCAA Football 07. I talked about all the stuff you could do in dynasty mode. How when your players graduate you can export them to your hard drive, (memory card if you don't own a XBOX) then draft them in that years copy of MADDEN. I just went on and on. That's when she pointed out to me that I was a dork. It's true, I am the type of guy who stays up till midnight the day before the release of MADDEN just to be one of the first to own a copy. I am a complete dork total. Who am I to make fun of World of Warcraft freaks?

You might find yourself wondering why I use the phrase "complete dork total". Well, that would be a reference to a thirty minute movie that only 7 people have seen (all of which were introduced to the movie by me) called The Blair Thumb.


What you haven't heard of it? I am not surprised.

As you could guess, it is a spoof of the film The Blair Witch. The Blair Thumb was created by a guy named Steve Oedekerk. Oedekerk is, in my opinion, the funniest comedy writer in Hollywood. Only a handful of people share my opinion.

Back to the reference. The three main characters are in a tent in the woods. When out of nowhere they are attacked by a shark. Thats right a shark in the woods. After the incident, Stressy (the girl in the group), tries to explain to Vic and Jish (such an odd name) that it was not a shark. To which Vic replies "It was totally sharky... complete". That is great comedy writing if I have ever heard it.

I mean, I am not even quoting the movie correctly. Totally Dorky Complete? You have to admit that is really lame. I can't hide from it, I am totally dorky complete.

Hitting the Pre-Season Slump

It happens every year in early August. Pre-Season Football!

As August was approaching, I found myself having, what I would call, a case of football withdrawal. When the season ends in February I get all sad and when the summer rolls around I get the shakes. "What am I going to watch on Sundays?" Lucky for me I met my fiancee this past football season. I was enjoying my time with her so much I forgot about not having football to watch.

But now it is August, and I have started looking into the Bucs rosters. I also started my fantasy football league. Well, needless to say, now I am looking forward to football season. It is just around the corner and I think we (the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) are going to have a great season. Not to mention the fact my fiancee likes football too. I love watching games with her, it just makes football season that much better!

I was really excited yesterday to watch a pre-season game between the Indianapolis Colts and the St. Louis Rams. Around this time of year I will take any football I can get. Except that every year I get reminded that pre-season football is boring.

Indianapolis kicked the ball first. Since pre-season games are meaningless, the Colts decide to kick an onside kick right off the bat (the Colts recovered the football). Peyton Manning only got one series, in which he drove down the field like he was playing against a high school team. But, after that it was a yawning good time. The Colts signed Shaun King this off season and I wanted to see him play, but it was halftime at 10 o'clock. That's my bed time! I don't gots time to watch a football game that nobody cares to win!

I got an idea! Why don't they give the winning team a free ice cream party after a pre-season game? Then they can force the losing team to eat WHATABURGER. I bet the teams would play hard then. I mean eating at WHATABURGER would keep your football team from playing at full strength for weeks.

There are still some teams I would really like to watch this pre-season. I don't know how much of Reggie Bush we are going to see this season. I would love to watch him play in an exhibition game. The same goes for Matt (that quarterback from USC who's name I can't spell) and Vince Young. Of course, a chance to watch the Bucs would be great as well.

Blogging about Blogging

I haven't been blogging very long, only just a few months. In the months that I have been blogging I've made some observations.

I write my blog through blogger.com. This site offers a much better blog composing system than myspace.com. It is pretty easy for me to get my blog to do what I want it to do. I just have a few little problems.

First, blogger.com will crash on occasion without notice. That is a problem for me. What if I am writing my life story and all of the sudden I can't save or publish my blog? That's when I have to copy and paste it into a word document. Ok, so it is not that big of a deal, easily worked around.

Secondly, not really a problem, more of a funny observation. I am addicted to spell check. I do it all the time. The spell checker on blogger.com is great, it catches all kinds of stuff I don't know how to spell correctly. But, there is one word it keeps telling me that I am spelling wrong. Frankly, blogger.com has no business telling me that the word "blog" is not a word.

"What 'blogging' isn't a word. Well fine blogger.com, that must make blogger not a word. You stupid web site. I hate you. No wait blogger.com, come back I didn't mean it."

Imaginary Audience

If you have read my blog at all you know that I write like I am talking to a large audience. It is not that I have a large group of people read my blog regularly, I just pretend that a lot of people like to read my blog. I imagine them being so disappointed on the days I don't update it. I mean they are so faithful, they write me imaginary e-mails saying "Hey, where is my daily dose of sarcasm and amazing humor."

Then I have to write them back saying "I'm sorry, I find it hard to sit down and write something new everyday, but check back tomorrow."

That's when I get e-mails from people saying "Who are you? I don't read your dumpy blog please stop send me messages like I do."

Yes, I enjoy having so many adoring imaginary readers.

Kid's Movies

I have been known to enjoy a good kid's movie.

This may come as a shock to most people, but I was once a kid myself. And as a kid I watched a lot of cartoons. When I was under the age of 10 I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Silver Hawks, Thundercats, Transformers, and all other kinds of great cartoons. I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, I even liked the one with Vanilla Ice.

I also enjoyed a great deal of the Disney movies, Sleeping Beauty, Lady and the Tramp, and my favorite Jungle Book.

Well, as it turns out, there is a slew of classic cartoons being remade into movies. The main 2 being Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers. And yes, I have every intention on seeing both of them.

The Ninja Turtles movie is going to be created in CGI. From what I have read online the creators are going back to the roots of the show, back to what made it great in the first place. I am really looking forward to what they are going to do with it.

On the other side, the Transformers movie looks like the makers are taking more of a gritty realistic approach. I would guess the Transformers themselves will be computer animated, but it seems like there will be live action actors. Most likely the real footage, mixed with CGI.

I don't know much more about these two movies right now, but I am believing that said films will bring a stop to the steaming piles of crap that have been coming out of the computer animated kid department as of late.

The last great kid's movie, I believe, was The Incredibles.

Not since then has there been a children's movie worth seeing.

The one saving grace for this summer may just be Monster House. I have read a few reviews, one by Orson Scott Card, all of them say Monster House is the best kid's movie to come along in recent memory. I am excited to see it.

But if you, the pretend faithful reader I have made up in my mind, are wanting to see a great kid's movie that both you and your kids will enjoy. Might I suggest Nanny McPhee? Me and my fiancee have seen it multiple times, and I enjoyed it every time. The kids are well casted, the screenplay is flawless, and the acting is top notch. And since it is not in theatres, you will most likely be watching it on DVD. In that case I would suggest you watch it twice, once as the film was shown in theatres, and once with the director and kids commentary. You won't be sorry.

Terry Bisson

In June of this year I started reading a lot more short fiction. The reason for this was the start of Orson Scott Card's online short fiction magazine, Intergalactic Medicine Show. It featured great stories from some established authors like David Farland and Card himself. IGMS also had a number of stories from upstart authors as well.

After finishing both issues of Card's magazine, I went in search of other sources of short fiction. I picked up the June 2006 issue of Fantasy & Science Fiction. Most of the stories were barely mediocre, a few gems here or there, but for the most part I was unimpressed with what I was reading.

My next purchase was the July 2006 issue of Asimov's Science Fiction. Asimov's proved to be a better magazine. Two stories stood out. One by an author named Tim Pratt called Impossible Dreams which I talked about in a previous blog, and Nanos Comes to Clifford Falls by Nancy Kress.

After making a trip to the library, I checked out a copy of Masterpieces: The Best Science Fiction of the Century, edited by Orson Scott Card. I didn't read most of the stories because a lot of them were in Future On Fire and Future on Ice, two short story anthologies also edited by Card. Oh by the way, if you didn't know, Orson Scott Card is my favorite author.

The story I did read from Masterpieces was Bears Discover Fire by Terry Bisson. A great story the won the Hugo and Nebula awards for Mr. Bisson. Later, I was looking through a short fiction anthology I bought used about 9 months before and read a Bisson story called Hole in a Hole.

Having enjoyed both of the stories I read from Terry Bisson, I got on Amazon.com, and bought 3 of Bisson's short fiction collections.

Currently, I am two thirds of the way through In The Upper Room and Other Likely Stories. I enjoyed nearly every story in the collection.

On a return trip to the library, I checked out The Pickup Artist by Bisson. Terry creates a future where the classic pieces of art (being film, fiction, paintings, and music) are being destroyed to make way for new artists to create art.

The protaganist becomes attached to a Hank Williams record and tries to find a way to listen to it. While he is doing so he gets caught up in some goverment stuff that I don't care to waist my time writing about. Anyway, Him and this teacher drive cross country running in to about 5 different clones named "Bob", get them selves shot at a bunch of times, and then go driving again.

Yeah, is it as boring as I am trying to make it sound? Good!

So, I made the desision to just read his excellent short fiction... uh... after... I read just one more of his novels called Talking Man.

Besides having some of the worst cover art I have ever seen, Talking Man also has just as thrilling of a story as The Pickup Artist.

So, this guy named Williams goes to a junk yard to get his windshield fixed on his Ford Mustang. Then Talking Man comes out and puts mud on Williams' windshield and the window is magically fixed. Then Talking Man's daughter Chrystal gets shot at, and Williams and her go driving for a long time.

Yep, in Terry Bisson novels there is a lot of driving.

I'm not going to say that I won't read another Terry Bisson novel, chances are I will. I am very loyal to the authors I like. Terry Bisson is a great writer, I just haven't read a good novel from him yet.

Alvin Maker

Over that past few months I have been reading the Alvin Maker series by Orson Scott Card. The fantasy series spans 7 books, one of which has yet to be released.

Seventh Son
Red Prophet
Prentice Alvin
Alvin Journeyman
Heartfire
The Crystal City
Master Alvin (not yet released)

I didn't read these straight through. I read a few books and short stories in between some of the volumes of the Alvin Maker series. Mainly because I didn't enjoy being stuck in the same world for that long, and me and my fiancee went to the library, and I checked out 4 other books. Plus, I have been reading those silly sci-fi magazines.

The Tales of Alvin Maker series is set in an America where the revolutionary war didn't happen. As you might have guessed, being a fantasy series, magic works in this America. A lot of the magic is wrapped up in gifts that people are born with called "knacks". Mostly "knacks" are really just people being unnaturally skilled at something. Some are great at building things, others have incredible memory, and Alvin Maker can do just about anything.

Alvin is a "Maker", a man who is gifted at making things. His main opposition is in the form of the "Unmaker", who is not really a man, but more of an entity. The Unmaker is the destroyer of all things. When Alvin makes something he sets the Unmaker back in his work for ultimate destruction.

Sounds good, right?

Ok, maybe I don't make it sound that good, but as with most of Cards books, the characters are really well developed. It is hard not to enjoy the world that has been created, and even harder not to relate with all the well drawn characters. Card leaves very few characters unexplored, and it seem as if all of them play some major role in the over all story.

When I was reading the series I found that after Red Prophet, the best of the series, the story slows way down. When Alvin is young he learns some basic things about himself and his knack, and is involved in a war between the Reds and the Whites. After the war he moves to the town of his birth to be come a prentice blacksmith.

From Prentice Alvin to Heartfire, Alvin spends most of his time searching for where to build the Crystal City (a city he saw in a prophecy that he must build), learning how to be a maker, or getting arrested.

If it were not for Card's excellent writing style and his top notch character development, I would have stopped reading it a while ago. Even though I am a little relieved to be done with the series, I am still looking forward to the final installment.

Mistakes

Just a quick note. In my Stealth! Who Needs Stealth? blog, I said that you played as Sam Fisher and a clone of Sam Fisher. Well that was a mistake. You actually play as two other spies that have no names. I don't feel like going back and correcting that blog just I will just tell you here.

It's Time for Fedge to Complain

"For serious this time" said Fedge.

I am getting all kinds of worn down. I need a break. I'm not talking about a break in the sense of taking time off or away. No, what I need is something to get me set on the right track. Every time I force something, or try to make something happen I get stuck. I simply just can't get the ball rolling.

You are probably wondering what the crap I am talking about.

My Job/Career.

Ever sense I was a kid, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I knew I wanted a wife and kids, and to make good money. But as to how I was going to make that money, I did not know.

Most of my dreams were of me in some sort of entertainment. It might be acting or writing, but something that was along the lines of story telling. I have story ideas, but I just haven't written any of them. I think I am passable as an actor, but I feel I have a lot more ability in voice acting.

I have been doing voices and playing with puppets and toys for a long while. It started on my computer with my sister making little shows with puppets on our PC video camera. I take that back, it started before that.

I remember being in high school playing around with a video recorder making short films. Most of the time it was just fun. But, some of the time I think a lot of the stuff we did was really funny.

This past Sunday I did a skit with a puppet and a friend of mine. It wasn't just for kids church this week. We did it in front of the whole congregation. I have been told that a lot of people there said it was really good. Not only that but I also was in a skit with 3 other guys. My buddy Mark stole that show. Mostly because he dressed up like a girl and wore lipstick.

After church that Sunday I felt really good. I couldn't wait to do it again.

I love doing this stuff, if I could do it professionally I will have found what I wanted to do when I grow up, and that is act like a kid.

Are these just hopeless dreams that everyone has, or is there something to this.

I don't want to be a huge Hollywood actor, I just want to love what I do. Or, at least have a job that gives me time to explore my dreams as possible means of income.

To sum it up, I just want to enjoy my work. I don't want to hate Mondays. If I just dislike them I think I can live with that.

Letter to WHATABURGER

"'Just like you like it?' More like 'Whether you like it or not!'" said Fedge.

Dear WHATABURGER,

Yesterday, before my lunch break, I was trying to decide where I was going to eat. Normally I go to a local BBQ rib restaurant near my place of work. They make very tasty food, with fast service, and always get my order right. You go Adams Rib Co! But, unfortunately I decided it was time for a change of pace. Me and my Fiancee had been talking about your establishment and how we never heard anything good about it. Except for my Dad, he likes your "Food" as you so laughingly call it. In my ignorance I wanted to give WHATABURGER the benefit of the doubt.

I pulled into your parking lot and walked inside to find an entire little league baseball team in line to order. I should have taken this as a sign from God that I was not supposed to eat there today. In my stubbornness, I got back into my van and went through the drive-thru.

Your employee ask if she could take my order, I said "Yes" in my ignorance. I should have taken this last opportunity and gotten out of this doomed venture and ended the Fedge/WHATABURGER disaster before it happened. My proper response should of been "No you can't take my order. I just wanted to let you know that you are going to cost that little league team a chance at a win by serving them your crappy slop!"

Anyway, I ordered a double meat/double cheese burger, again in my ignorance. Why would anyone want a double portion of WHATABURGER? I mean really! With no tomato/no onion. Then on top it all off, I wanted bacon on my burger.

Ok, so I was asking for it a little.

"Would you like to make that a combo?" she said.

"Hell Yeah! I want some greasy over salted fries!" I replied. I mean, to get the amount of salt that you put on your fries into my system, I could either eat your fries, or drink a bottle of soy sauce. In hind sight, I should have gone for the soy sauce.

I then paid, and was given a bag with, what I thought to be, my order inside.

I drove to find a shady spot to park. I was ready to see what WHATABURGER held for me.

The first thing I notice was how salty the fries were, which I already said were too salty. Then I notice what I got was not a double meat/double cheese, but a double meat/single cheese. Not really a big dea... hey where is my BACON, and... and is that onion all over this soggy bun? Oh great, the lettuce taste like a gym sock.

Just to let you know WHATABURGER, I'm going to tell everyone that your food taste like the Dallas Cowboy's locker room floor.

I have one thing to say to anyone else who may be reading this. Believe the hype WHATABURGER is terrible.

So, WHATABURGER, I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. It just seem that you have a lot of work to do. Your company has been around for over 50 years, and you could not have gotten this far with such terrible service. Please, take this as a constructive criticism and fix your food. At least your food isn't as bad a Krystals.

Regretfully Yours,
--Fedge

Stealth! Who Needs Stealth?

"Oops! I killed the Vice President!" said Fedge.

Me and my buddy Mark got together to play a little game called Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory. A stealth action espionage game were you play Sam Fisher, a master spy and ping pong player. The point of the game is to sneak around all professional like and complete goals while keeping the casualties to a minimum. They do give you some freedom in how you complete the goals. You can either sneak around, avoid cameras, and crawl through ventilation shafts to complete your mission, OR you can run in and shoot up the place. Needless to say I usually prefer the shoot first method.

There are just a few problems with this technique. One, most everyone on the level has guns, and... They don't think twice about shooting back. For the most part the enemies on this game adopt my "Shoot First" method as well. Two, on occasion there are a few enemies they don't want you to kill. So, that's when you would use the non-lethal attack over the lethal attack.

Splinter Cell also has a Co-Op mode, where one of you plays as Sam Fisher and the other as well... Sam Fisher. Uhh... they could have spent maybe a couple more minutes figuring out how that works. I guess maybe he is a clone.

In the Co-Op mode you can lift you partner up to reach high places, or distract enemies so your clone can pass by undetected. Or... you both could run into the room guns blazing. (wink wink)

In one mission we were running into some embassy to interrogate the Vice President of some country. Well someone, and I'm not saying any names, walk up behind the Vice President of Walla Walla, or where ever he is from, and accidentally pulled the lethal trigger. I didn't mean to, and if you didn't know it's really hard to question a dead Vice President.

Well, that means we had to do the entire level over again. It took us about two and a half hours of playing time to finish the first mission.

I think it is safe to say that I am not cut out for the espionage career. Too many missions for me to screw up. Too many VP could get caught by an inadvertent lethal attack.

Mutant League Poker

"Ref bashing on the Sixty Winers" said I.C. Nothing.

Have you ever noticed how online poker is free? Yeah so did I. There are a ton of free online poker rooms, all with Texas Hold em' and usually a few other poker variations available. There is never a shortage of people on most of the poker rooms. You can literally get on and be playing in under a minute.

You can go to:

PartyPoker.net
PokerStars.net
BoDog.net
ParadisePoker.net
and my favorite FullTiltPoker.net.

All of which have hundreds, if not thousands, of players online at anytime of day.

So, why would anyone buy a poker video game?

The only reason I can think of is to have the graphics upgrade. The problem with poker video games is that they do not offer anything, other than graphics, that would make me want to purchase a copy.

When you play the free online computer poker games it takes barely anytime at all to get a 18 player game started. While it takes upward of 15 minutes to get a 6 player game started on the XBOX Live version on World Championship Poker.

Well, that put me to thinkin'. What would make a poker video game really worth 50 bucks?

What if you could cheat at a poker game?

What if you could call you opponent a cheater?

What if by calling your opponent a cheater, if he was indeed cheating, you could get in a fist fight with him, maybe even shoot him with a grenade launcher?

What if you could bribe the dealer?

What if you could beat up a dealer who has been bribed?

What if you were playing as zombies?

This is beginning to sound like one of the best games I ever played growing up, Mutant League Football.

In Mutant League Football you could bribe the ref, beat up the ref, and throw dynamite at the other team. All while trying not to step on a land mine on your way to the end zone.

Why, this formula could work for just about any sport.

Try Mutant League Baseball, Mutant League Tennis, or Mutant League Golf.

You could even try it with Sports you hate, Mutant League NASCAR, Mutant League Soccer, or Mutant League Competative Eating.

I would play all of these games.

The only Mutant League game I could think of that would suck is Mutant Leage Chess. I'm sorry but you just can't make chess fun to watch, even with land mines.

Two Weeks Notice

"Will you marry me?" said Fedge.

"Yes" said Fedge's new fiancee.

As of tomorrow I will have been engaged 2 weeks. That's why I haven't updated my blog lately. But can you blame me? I didn't think so.

It's true, planning a wedding is a lot of work. All of the people in my life who told me that over the years were not pooping around the bush.

But, being engaged is great. I love having a fiancee. I love watching her show the ring off as she smiles real big. It makes me feel really great. When she said "Yes" it was the greatest feeling I can ever remember having. Joy and relief all rolled in to one. Now that she has said "Yes", I have asked her to marry me a couple more times. It's not as nerve racking the second and third time around.

It 's My Birthday

That's right, today is my birthday and I am at work. I am going out to dinner tonight with some friends and my fiance (saying that just doesn't get old). I am going to get a margarita and a burrito (not a shake n' bake burrito).